Test with Image

March 28, 2017 Romina Avila

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APA Reference
Avila, R. (2017, March 28). Test with Image, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, April 26 from https://www.healthyplace.com/living-with-bipolar-blog/test-with-image-1

Author: Romina Avila

Bob Sanders

January, 22 2018 at 11:54 am

test comment by anonymous

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Recent Comments

I should also probably mention that the husband has told him that the reason for the problems in their marriage are all because of his bipolar diagnosis and has gaslit him into paying all their household bills. I honestly think the husband doesn’t want to help him get help because he could lose his sweet deal if he does. I really do love my bf and I just don’t know how to help him at this point.

Bipolar Disorder and Ghosting: It's a Big Problem

Two years ago I met a great guy from a dating site. We instantly connected and became very close very quickly. After about three months, he told me that he was Bipolar (not an issue for me) and that he was married (BIG PROBLEM FOR ME).

We continued talking and I learned a lot more. His husband had cheated on him and he was heartbroken. They live in the same condo in separate bedrooms and were basically married on paper only. Since I was already developing feelings for him, I allowed our relationship to continue. We’ve since spent a lot of time together on dates, he met my family at Christmas, etc.

In January, we chatted and I said, “Ok, what’s the plan?” and he freaked out. While he says he loves me, and does not love his husband, he’s stuck and doesn’t know how to move forward. His therapist says he needs to go to the doctor for new meds and hasn’t. And now it’s been three months of basic texting good morning and good night, and we don’t see each other and don’t talk on the phone.

Do I just move on at this point? Every time I try to talk about us and our relationship, he just shuts down or doesn’t respond.

Help! Thanks.

Bipolar Disorder and Ghosting: It's a Big Problem

Alex

Bingo! I myself have been disappointed time after time and time and time again, being codependent and trying to find my sense of self worth and validation by “loving “ someone out of their issues. This effectively distracted me from coming to terms with and facing my own. And sometimes trying to love someone out of hurtful behavior, is a actually control, it’s not a type of control that comes from an urge to dominate but a type of control that’s subtle to create emotional indebtedness. A type of control that allows us to avoid facing the fact that in some kind of way we ourselves feel vulnerable. So I think the unconscious premise is something like: “ If we love you really good, then in return you have to treat us well, and if you don’t then you have broken the social contract and we get to moan and complain”. I think when we’re like this we just set ourselves up to consistently get short changed. She may be the best stylist out there, she may be funny, attractive, witty sexy and all that. But the critical question is all that aside can she and would she consistently able to meet my needs? If the answer is no, then you gotta ask yourself is entering a vulnerable state with someone like that really going to bring you what you want and need? Why should I waste the most precious parts of myself that I have giving the most vulnerable and sacred parts of myself away to someone who could never return them in a way that fulfills me more than it hurts me? I think self love means realizing that I can’t love you or be loving towards you at the expense of not being loving to me. And far too often this becomes the outcome for the non-bipolar party. No one is saying they don’t deserve compassion. But who says compassion need be limitless or without contingencies? Sometimes, consciously or unconsciously that’s exactly what is being weaponized against us in these types of situations this conflating of love with with pervasive selflessness. This sort of thing is very attractive to the self consumed. And sometimes the only way these people will ever seek to confront Bipolar Disorder is if a strong set of contingencies are in place, otherwise all that funniness and charm, and charisma, will function as nothing more than the harbinger of heartbreak, worry, woe, betrayal and for all your trouble you might get very little or if anything and return. If they can’t help it, neither can you.

Bipolar Disorder and Ghosting: It's a Big Problem

Alex

Consider letting go. During all this time that has passed you can be sure she hasn’t been spending it alone. For all you know she could be feeding you a bunch of malarkey. It may be true that she is seeing a psychiatrist but don’t take that to mean she is not seeing or dating during your period of separation. Bipolar people have serious impulse control issues, heightened reward sensitivity. Moreover, many of them are manipulative and sometimes even outright deceitful. So unless you can be sure that all she is doing is taking some time to try to treat and heal some of her challenges and nothing more, I think holding on is a mistake. She may come back, and she may not but how long are you willing to stay in limbo? Don’t forget you have a duty to YOURSELF too. Not just to her. I think far too often we confuse self sacrifice as some kind of hallmark of our virtue. It’s not. It’s emotionally infused martyrdom. It’s often a subtle way to feed our own wounded egos and our round about way of attempting to get our own needs met by sacrificing ourselves. But what happens if our “sacrifice” is not rewarded? As a hypothetical would you feel if you found that during your separation she had been out and about and dating and having sex with others, while you’re sitting at home looking at her stuff missing her and pining for her return? What if she never does? Her Bipolar Disorder is her problem to grapple with. All this “love” and “support” talk, might be real or it could also be a sign of a trauma bond, how can you cut these through the fog to tell the difference? Remember, you matter too and that shouldn’t change no matter how much you were into one another at one time, how great the emotional exchanges might have been. Be careful that your sense of well being does not deep into being dependent on what she does or does not do. I encourage you to Google the myth of the Greek Sirens. Sometimes what we hear as an ethereally beautiful and enchanting song, is illusory. And in fact is actually more like a wail of despair, if you’re a rescuer and it sounds like you could be and need to play hero to find a sense of self validation, a damsel in distress can be a real turn on both sexually and emotionally. Their vulnerability can be most alluring, but it would be a shame for you to be lead astray and miss out on all life has to offer you, abandoning the fulfillment of your own needs hoping for this girl’s return. If she doesn’t, then what?

Bipolar Disorder and Ghosting: It's a Big Problem

Alex

The first thing I think you need to understand is that this sort of behavior is common in Bipolar Disorder. You didn’t do anything wrong and her behavior is not a reflection of some deficiency in you. You may have very much loved her. The reality is feelings aside, is that you can’t love someone out of Bipolar Disorder, many have tried and found out as I did, to their disappointment and maybe even dismay is that it just can’t be done. Before they have a shot any “normal” kind of relationship they have to first accept that Bipolar Disorder is genuinely problematic. That takes a lot of courage as denial about the negative impacts of their condition is common. That said, the emotional bond was likely real, but she couldn’t sustain it. It's very likely that you aren’t the first guy she has treated this way and you won’t be the last. Remember, Bipolar Disorder is a life long condition, without some sort of commitment from her to addressing and managing it, all the hurtful push-pull, the cheating, the lies, the sucking you in just to turn around and reject you to playing up to you so hard while at the same time having a whole secret life of fun and excitement without you, and at the same time trying to get you to feel sorry for her while she was out concert hopping, or partying with everyone would have likely continued and for a long time, leaving you feeling seriously in the dumps, lonely and lovelorn. You could waste a lot years denying yourself love, pleasure, joy, happiness, and satiated fulfillment, longing for her. Read the story of the Greek Sirens it may help you understand and release your self from her spell. Also remember that Bipolar Persons suffer from heightened impulsivity, they are usually quite sexually charged, and flirtatious and if they’re good looking with a nice body watch out! They also tend to have drug and or alcohol dependency issues and a lot of shameful secret behaviors including sexual ones. So, as exciting as all that can seem, in the end you might be devastated, she would never be able to offer you, consistency, safety, reciprocity or even clarity. It’s tough though when you don’t really see all of this until AFTER they have wormed their way into your hearts to make the break. But nevertheless, you should still try not for her sake, but for yours, you deserve to have love, and thrills, but hopefully with someone who is able to TRULY and CONSISTENTLY fill your cup. Consider getting into deeper touch with yourself, doing so is not selfish but is critical to you living YOUR best life and if you find someone who can give you at least most of what you need, when that happens you just might very well look back on things and wonder what you ever saw in her I the first place.

Bipolar Disorder and Ghosting: It's a Big Problem

Test with Image

Author: Romina Avila

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