Guidelines for Significant Others

Written by HealthyPlace.com Staff Writer

Family and Friends are Victims of Eating Disorders Too

Friends and family members are often the forgotten victims of eating disorders. If someone you care about has an eating disorder, it is difficult to know what to do for the person or for yourself. No matter what effort might be taken, such as helping find a therapist, sitting up all night talking, taking away laxatives, and so on, ultimately you have no power over another person's behavior.

You do have power over what you choose to do about the situation, and the more knowledgeable and prepared you are, the better chance you have for success. Even when you don't know how your friend or loved one will react to your concern, it is important that you express it and offer to help. Even if your concern or help is received poorly, don't give up. It is difficult but important that friends and family members keep trying to reach out to a suffering loved one in order to facilitate the person getting help and to support her during her struggle. Your efforts, love, and encouragement may be crucial to your loved one's recovery. People who have recovered from eating disorders often cite being loved, believed in, and not given up on as crucial factors in their getting help and getting well.

If you have observed behaviors in friends or loved ones and are concerned that they have a problem with food or weight, that is enough reason to say something to them. You do not need to wait until you have signs or proof of a full-blown eating disorder. The sooner you discuss things the better, for your sake and for theirs.

How to Approach and Talk to Someone You Suspect Has an Eating Disorder

You must allow for privacy and plenty of time for both you and your friend or loved one to say everything that needs to be said.

The first step, and most important thing to remember throughout your experience with a loved one who suffers from an eating disorder, is to have empathy. The best way to describe empathy is that it is like standing in someone else's shoes. Empathy is an effort to understand someone's experience as she experiences it and to convey that understanding. The only way to do this is to not be invested in changing the person or in getting her to change her perspective; that can come later. Before a loved one is going to be able to see another perspective, she will need to know that someone recognizes the legitimacy and importance of her own.

Don't worry that empathizing is not enough and that you need to do something or get your loved one to take action. It is true that if you stop at empathy you can "love and understand someone with an eating disorder to death," but empathy is a necessary first step and must be continually maintained. Once a person knows you understand and are not going to try and take over or take the eating disorder away, then you can begin helping in other ways, such as getting information, finding specialists, making appointments, reassuring, and even confronting. Just remember that all of this needs to take place after a person first feels understood and accepted.

Asking for help is usually one of the hardest things for those suffering from eating disorders to do. They need to learn that asking for and receiving help is not a weakness and they do not need to handle everything alone. Ultimately this helps them to learn that they can reach out to people instead of their eating disorder behaviors to escape from their pain. Even if there are limits to what you can do, they need to know you can help.

It is important to stay calm and keep to specific personal examples. It is best to use "I" statements rather than "You" statements. Using "I" statements means that it is only in your opinion or from your own perspective that you are speaking. Using "You" statements sounds judgmental and is apt to create a defensive reaction.

Instead of saying:

You're too thin, say, I look at you and see you wasting away and I'm scared.

You have to stop throwing up, say, I heard you throwing up and I'm worried about your health.

You are ruining our relationship, say, I'm concerned for you and felt like I had to say something or we would both run the risk of being dishonest with each other.

You must get help, say, I'd like to help you to find help.

Be careful not to use "You" statements that are disguised as "I" statements (e.g., "I think you are just trying to get attention"). Don't focus all of your discussion on food, weight, exercise, or other be-haviors. It is easy to get caught up and stuck in discussing your loved one's behaviors, such as eating too little, not weighing enough, bingeing too much, purging, and so on. These are valid concerns and important to comment on, but focusing on behaviors alone can be counterproductive.

For example, a person with anorexia nervosa will be pleased rather than alarmed to hear that she is painfully thin. Remember, the underlying issues, not just the behaviors, are important. Loved ones may be less defensive when approached with the idea that they seem sad, not "themselves," or unhappy. They are likely to be less threatened about discussing these problems.

It is wise to be prepared with helpful information and suggestions in case your friend or loved one is ready and willing to receive them. Try to have the name of a doctor and/or therapist, the fees they charge, and how to make an appointment. If a treatment program is needed, have that information as well. Ask your loved one to consider going to at least one appointment and offer to go together. Of course, if you are a parent of a minor you will have to go to the first appointment and you should be included on some level. It is important that your loved one feel safe and confident that his therapist is there for him.