When I told my mother I had a mental illness, I’m pretty sure she didn’t believe me. She didn’t come right out and say it, but it was pretty clear she was suspicious. Once she did feel something was wrong, she was sure it could be fixed with vitamins and herbs.
It couldn’t.
And this is a pretty common reaction from family members. You have one of the hardest conversations of your life and the family member responds with, “you’re not sick.”
Or, “you look fine to me.”
Or, “you’re just being dramatic.”
Or many other things that will tell you that they don’t believe anything is wrong.
So how do you approach a family member and explain to them that everything is not OK.
I’m Not OK
When you have a mental illness, you are most definitely not OK. The whole reason you sought a diagnosis is that you’re not OK. In fact, it tends to take a lot of not OK to bother going out to get a diagnosis.
You’re Fine
But not everyone is going to see that, for a few reasons. One, they don’t want to. They don’t want to think that someone they love is sick. They don’t want to believe that anything is wrong. They don’t want to believe they didn’t see it before. They don’t want to believe you need help. Some people are just plain in denial no matter how on fire your hair might be.
But also, we often act “fine” around other people. We forget that we’ve been working really hard to convince everyone else that we’re fine. The reason they don’t believe that we’re not is because we’ve done such a good job!
I’m Really Not OK
But if you’re telling your family you have a mental illness, things definitely aren’t OK. This is a very hard thing to admit. But consider this when talking to a family member who doesn’t believe you:
- You’ve just sprung something big on them. It took time for you to accept it; it’s going to take time for them too. And keep in mind, they may be dealing with their own issues of stigma or self-blame as well.
- Understand that you may have to be really up front about what you’ve been experiencing. It may not be enough to say, “I have depression.” You may have to give real life examples of your experience of depression for them to truly understand what you’re going through. This isn’t easy for you, but it may be required for their understanding.
- Knowledge brings about understanding. Once of the reasons my mother thought she could cure bipolar with vitamins is because she didn’t know any better and her bailiwick is alternative medicine. However, over the years she has read books and become much more educated on the subject of mental illness to the point where she understands that it is a real illness and a real medical problem.
- Bring the knowledge to them. Instead of waiting for them to pick up a book, bring them books, pamphlets, blog articles – anything that has reached you that you think might reach them. People have told me that they have printed off some of my articles and it helped their family’s understand a lot.
A more drastic approach might be to take the family member with you to a doctor’s appointment and have him explain the problem to the family member. Like I said, drastic, but some people’s denial is hard to break through.
They Still Don’t Understand
And after all that, maybe the family member will never believe that you’re not OK. But understand this, if this is the case, it isn’t about you, it’s about them. You’ve done everything in your power to make them understand reality and they refuse. At that point, their own issues are standing in the way of your relationship. But unfortunately a relationship is about two people, and sometimes the other one just doesn’t understand who we are no matter what we do.
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I have bi polar, anxiety, ptsd, panic attacks. I appreciate any information on.TY
At first, my wife didn’t believe it. She thought I was just depressed because “you don’t like your job.” Then she denied Bipolar Disorder even existed. And now? She doesn’t want to know when I’m not feeling well: “I have my own problems”, she says, referring to HER issues with her job. So, as best I can, I don’t talk about my illness at home, not anymore, and I certainly don’t say when I’m not feeling well.
Hi Debbie,
I recommend you look at the Communities section of this website (above). There is information on all those topics there.
- Natasha
Hi Graham,
I’m sorry to hear that’s the situation you’re in. Hopefully you’re getting therapy so you have a safe place in which to express all of yourself. Couples counselling might be something else to consider.
- Natasha
After struggling with severe depressive episodes for three decades I was finally accurately diagnosed with bipolar. When I told my mother I had bipolar disorder she said, “Oh thank God!! I thought you hated me.”
‘Nuff said
Hi Natasha,
Mental illness still holds negative stigma in our society. This stigma is a reason why it is difficult for some to express that they are suffering from mental illness. Posts like the above help with bringing an important topic to light. Thanks for sharing.
Since I’ve been diagnosed fairly recently (about a year ago), it is still really fresh. When I told my mother, she denied it entirely at first. Now she just denies that I have bipolar disorder. She says it’s temporary depression no matter what I tell her. I hide the hypomania well, and can mostly hide the depression from her. If she really saw who I am with it, she’d be scared to death. I’d rather have her deny that I am sick than for her to have to deal with another stressor.
Hi Natasha,
I am suffering from bipolar diorder-1 since November,2009.I got diagonised and am on medicines since July 2011.Now my husband has left me and is staying separate.He is suffering from headache which has become chronic since 5 months.He tells me that he wants to stay alone and might not come back.I feel very bad that my anger outbursts in maniac phase have devastated everything.I feel very alone and cry daily in evening and morning.I don’t know what will happen.I never did this knowingly and my husband is fully aware of BPD, still he has left me all alone.I am totally frustrated.Can you suggest me what to do in this situation.I have already taken my husband to a psychatrist and she has given some medicines.She will start his counselling after 2 weeks.
Hi Pushpa,
It sounds like you’re in a tough situation but you’re doing the best you can. You’re headed for counselling and I think that is the most important thing. Both you and your husband need a place where you can safely work out your feelings around the illness and treatment and counselling can help you do that.
While that is happening, you will have to be patient. Nothing happens overnight and counselling takes time to take effect. Try to be patient with your husband and understand that you and he both need time to heal. Hopefully you will be able to work out your differences through the counselling, but try to give it time.
- Natasha
Thanks Natasha.I really want to be patient but i never can be…but u know i am giving an honest try.I hope i suceed in that.Also my husband tells me that he has a headache like a tight rubber band in his head as well as the sides of his forehead , its like he feels something is punching so hard in his head.Earlier he took Ampitryline for 2 months, but has stopped taking it.Earlier(5 months ago), he had this headache sometimes in the day and night(suffered from insomnia too), but now he told me that this headache is there throughout the day and he faces a lot of problems while sleeping too, due to this headache.I told him to take a break from his job and relax but he is not doin that even.I am just worried about his headache….We did his Sinus-X-Ray and CT-Scan but everyhting is normal.Doctor said it is completely functional problem and not a structural problem.I just want that his headache is gone completely and am trying my best not to trigger it or increase it.But i am not sure what treatment should i go for him?Should i go for yoga or physiotherapy treatment for him along with counselling?Please suggest me some mode of treatment that might help him get rid of his tension-chronic-headache.
Hi Pushpa,
I’m sorry, but that’s not my area and I’m not in a position to offer advice on headaches. I’m sorry but you’ll have to talk to a doctor.
- Natasha
Good points. I’m lucky, my Mum has always supported me and for a long time. She’s made mistakes and said some hurtful things but they were said with the best of intentions.
A learning curve for all involved and it’s not easy for anyone. Even my Dad is coming round now! We all care in our own way.
That said, it was me who worked things out, despite the trauma in my brain.
But my Mum was always there for me and I’ll never forget that.