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My Irrational Bipolar Brain Makes Me Hate Myself

My Irrational Bipolar Brain Makes Me Hate Myself

Kate White, our anxiety blogger here at HealthyPlace asked the question: what does a mental illness feel like? Well, that’s a big question. I’ve been writing for years to answer it. In today’s bipolar video though, I expose one facet of crazy that really ruins my day.

I Hate Myself

Depression makes you hate yourself. Not for everyone, I suppose, but for me, it does. So I’m constantly trying to convince myself I’m not the awful disgusting creature my bipolar brain, my crazy, keeps telling me I am.

Here I talk about how a tiny interaction with my friend inflames the crazy, and even though I can see the fire, it still burns.

My Irrational Bipolar Brain

You can find Natasha Tracy on Facebook or follow @Natasha_Tracy on Twitter.

Author: Natasha Tracy

Natasha Tracy is a renowned speaker, award-winning advocate and author of Lost Marbles: Insights into My Life with Depression & Bipolar.

Find Natasha Tracy on her blog, Bipolar Burble, Twitter, Google+ and Facebook.

28 thoughts on “My Irrational Bipolar Brain Makes Me Hate Myself”

  1. I hate myself so much. My bipolar self has completely destroyed me, it makes me feel so depressed and i hate being mean to people for no reason. They put me in a mental hospital and i am not mental, i just wasn’t able to control my anger. Then i became a nice guy, then depressed, then started lying to people and eventually telling the truth. I am so depressed, i need to die, my life isn’t worth all the bad things i done, i know one day, i will be in a insane asylum, thinking about my terrible actions. Anyone else feel this way? Am i the only one?

  2. Just like everyone else I find my self high and low mostly low, then high but I have to be on my xanax to pull that one off and be well rested with a ton of make up on to get my self nice and tan. I’m 24 with Hiv was on atripla then doc switch me to travada and isentress and 30mg twice a day of adderall and ability twice a day 2mg. I also was exposed to TB so I also take pyridoxine 50mg and isoniazid300mg my cd4 count is at 595 at 30% and undetectable. I have had major trust issue with friends, family, co-workers, I find my self judging my self way to much and makes me sick to were I just wish i could just die pain free. I had a doc who had me on 30 mg of adderall three times a day and 30mg xr of aderall twice a day and I stop because I was having all these crazy toughts so i switch doc and now just taking 30mg of adderall xr twice a day. I’m never happy unless i am shopping or having some around me reminding me that it not me it the people i surround myself with who bring me down. well Now that I moved far away and only live with family I don’t have any friends witch makes me even more moody but i noticed my mood has been less drama free being away from the old friends. But I feel like a jury or bitch because i don’t return calls or stay in contact and they make me feel bad because they say i only call when i need something but is that not what a friend is for someone to just here me or is that why they have doc. I am goo at problem solving and i love a challenge but I tend to give up alway on my self I am in debt of 85,000 I live with my family and I make 11.00 a hour at a hotel working 3 to 11 and love it a lot I just wish I did not have so much work stress with people talking about my pill bottles or eating habits or them just trying to make my day even harder but not updating me and passing things on to me so i have a ruff day or make mistakes so i can get fired. I just don’t know anymore I don’t wanted to go to a phi. because i am scared they may tell me i am crazy and end up in a mental hospital….

  3. Hi Sandy, I’m sorry to hear that. But I must say in your defense, people _are_ very annoying.

    😉

    There is still time to overcome. Give yourself a break.

    – Natasha

  4. Jake, your last comment was me in a nutshell, literally.
    Now I can’t work, on disability AND 61 y.o. Approaching “retirement” ?
    My problem was:
    “distnguishing between realistic expectations of people and unrealistic expectations. We can create all sorts of scenarios about what goes on inside the minds of others The best bet is probably to ask.”
    If you ask you may reach a more realistic understnding.
    Wish I had been able to overcome this. Really like people, but when in very close proximity, as bank taller, they get on my nerves big time, and I stress, go into anxiety attck mode. As in get away from me, I’m getting out of here. Fight or flight.
    This applies to all social situations.

  5. Jake,

    You should have worked at the Empire, their expectations are _all_ unreasonable 🙂

    I agree, asking is the best idea. No one can read minds.

    – Natasha

  6. I can absolutely relate to this one. I have started and quit 12 jobs in 10 years and only actually worked about 4 of those years. My biggest personal challenge is distnguishing between realistic expectations of people and unrealistic expectations. We can create all sorts of scenarios about what goes on inside the minds of others The best bet is probably to ask.

  7. @Jay, I think you need to read a few more blog pages….

    Thank you for putting this up here, hearing other people talk about the crazy somehow normalizes it a little!

  8. Natasha, If you can battle the mind with your spirit, the mind will yeild.
    Try this when the negative thought comes speak out loud: bless ______
    lord. May good things come to _______ and let peace be with _______ and me. I forgive myself for harbaring negative thoughts about ______ or myself. I forgive ________ for shutting down our friendship.
    In the blank space put your friend name. Do this every time you get that negative thought and it will stop tormenting you.

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