The hypomanic mind isn’t like a single life happening all at once, it’s like every life happening all at once in a tiny, tinny, echoing room. Hypomania is like having ball-bearings bouncing around inside my skull faster and harder and fast and hard and faster and harder. Hitting each other, making divots on the inside of my skull, becoming interior decorators. Fragmented, distracted thoughts. Sentence fragments. Problem grammar. No capital letters. No punctuation.
Hypomanic On the Street
Walking down the street, I look down to see gum blotches rubbed into the pavement from disrespectful teens and people showing malice at having to sit at the bus stop for so long. I’m walking on them, but I’m sure they remind me of something else. They remind me of constellations. Are stars made of gum ground into the sky? Is gum made of stars? Why doesn’t it glow beneath my feet like it does in the sky?
“Your love is like, a rollercoaster baby, baby, I wanna ride…”
I have to take these checks to the bank. I have to transfers money from one account to the other. I look at the check over and over to make sure each part is filled in correctly. I put numbers where letters should be. I cross is out, initial and put the letters in. I hope they don’t reject it for the mistake. I can’t afford for them to do that. I check my pockets I have my phone and check and keys. I have no bank card. I was taking the check to the back but I couldn’t think of what to do once I got it there. It’s so much effort to get my bank card. I can’t add numbers.
I’m dizzy.
There’s free wifi at the Cactus Club. Why would there be free wifi there? It’s always so busy, you can’t go into write or get work done. Only useful on my iPhone as I walk by on the constellations. I am sure that skateboarder is following me. I can tell because of his shirt: its dangerous green with a bird on it.
Hypomanic Word Play
Proliferation of properties with room for only Park Place or Boardwalk. I use alliteration too much in my writing. Never got enough when I was young. Never got enough poetry. I don’t like poetry. I didn’t know the meaning of the word assonance and now I make up for it with silly or satisfying syllogisms. I just like the way the words sound when you say them in your head and when you see them painted in the air in front of you. Words are rolled around over and over on my tongue like a wine tasting and then swished and swirled into existence forming ethereal clouds in front of my eyes. It’s like make o-rings with smoke but I make ideas appear out of nowhere.
What Hypomania is Like
What was I saying? What is hypomania like? Hypomania is like hypomania, hypomania, hypomania, hypomania, it’s like repeating a word over and over and a song over and over until it has been ground into your brain and makes no sense. It’s speed without destination or purpose. It’s Prince’s I Will Die For You repeating in your consciousness until you feel like you want to track Prince down and kill him just for writing the song. It’s like a million cups of coffee plus an inability to count, a hampered memory, creativity bordering on delusion, no sleep, no food, no sense, slippery sex, insistence, persistence and confusion. And a few other things I’m probably forgetting. Yes, hypomania, is something, like that.
Only bigger.
You can find Natasha Tracy on Facebook or @Natasha_Tracy on Twitter.
Oh Natasha, very well put. Will you marry me.
(Oh, and by the way, I never use emoticons.)
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Great piece!
I forget how to tell time, count change, and the alliteration thing……oh man! made my day, Natasha!
~sm
Hi Buzz,
Sorry, I have so many pending proposals, I’ll have to just add you to the list…
- Natasha
Hi Shannon,
I love when I make someone’s day.
Thanks.
- Natasha
Often times while I’m experiencing hypomania I’ll end up thinking and speaking in rhyme. It’s good for when I’m writing, but it freaks the people around me out. And if I had a nickel for every f-ed-up idea that I came up with while hypomanic, I’d be rich! Not to mention the internal record skipping… just hearing one line of a song over and over and over…
Your description of hypomania is dead on. Well done!
Ash,
Rhyme, I must say, is a new one, but interesting. It would make me giggle, but perhaps that’s the point.
And yes, many of my hypomanic ideas aren’t the best. But that’s ideas for you, the trick is knowing which ones don’t suck.
I’m glad it resonates for you. Thanks.
- Natasha
@ Ash,
I do the song thing too! I have to sing it out loud to get rid of it, but it doesn’t always work. They will be random lines too, that I didn’t know I knew…..so odd.
my oddest hypo moments are when I try to cross the street and forget which color means go…..this one has also been a bit dangerous. It’s my thoughts running too fast. I hold someone’s hand now!
Ah yes hypomania… Running on a tread mill, trying to catch the thoughts, rolling by like credits from movie on high speed. Oh wait there is thought opps wait there is another dam almost had that one. I just disappeared for two days from an episode, and I dig how you. your words Have to stop can’t concentrate nove.
The irony about my ideas is that I tended to believe all of them were exceptional. I didn’t rhyme but I was constantly looking for patterns in colour, numbers, words and shapes (I’m a designer) so I was completely overstimulated by any form of media and I was compulsively documenting every pattern in my journal. I believed that my journal was the next Bible by the way….I was manic not hypomanic in fact….sigh. Its exhausting just remembering it.
Shannon,
Green means Go. Alliteration. GG. Maybe that will help.
- Natasha
Lesa,
Ah yes, the idea that every precious breath is pure genius. It’s nice to be even falsely brilliant for a while.
Thinking that you’re writing the next bible does sound exhausting even to think of. Thanks for coming back.
- Natasha
Thanks Natasha,
I’m gaining a lot of insight by reading a lot of your blogs. Fascinating and frightening and comforting all at the same time. I was diagnosed with BP1 a few months ago and am still reeling a bit from the knowledge of it. Knowing I will have to ‘manage’ myself and my stress levels, sleep, meds etc for the rest of my life is pretty overwhelming. Still a bit of denial going on from time to time both for me and my family, but am starting to educate myself as much as possible these days. It really does help to exchange with those who understand and relate, because the sense of lonliness I sometimes feel is very debilatating. Thank you for giving us all a voice and helping in the process – its very reassuring and helpful. Keep up the good work and thanks again, Be Well
Lesa
Hi Lisa,
I’m glad you’re finding my writings helpful. I’m sort of fascinated, frightened and comforted by them too.
It takes time to accept a diagnosis and everything that comes with it. The fact that you’re working at it is a great step forward. I’m glad to help in what small way I can. You are not alone.
- Natasha
I was diagnosed as bipolar just a few months ago by a “therapist,” and I use that word loosely, who then proceeded to treat me only with neurofeedback and meds and did nothing to try to educate me about what was actually wrong with me. The meds have helped some, but I’ve since left that office and am now looking for a psychiatrist. I’ve spent the intervening months searching the internet, trying to educate myself about bipolar. I have been blown away by reading stories and blogs from others with bipolar because I swear someone is inside my head recording everything I think and feel. That’s how I feel reading your description of hypomania. I swear we’ve looked at the same piece of gum on the sidewalk, seen the same bus bench. I don’t know how often I’ve had these streams of thought, sometimes they seem to last for hours, and thought later, where the hell did that come from. And now I know I’m not the only one; there are people out there who do understand what I’m going through. So thank you for this post.
that definitely rings true for me. i always describe hypomania (at least as it is for me) as like having a radio in your head, all the buttons have been taken off, there’s no off switch, and someone else is changing station every few seconds – total lack of focus, no coherence between thoughts, random stuff popping in from nowhere, and no control over it at all.
Hi Lisa,
Well, neurofeedback is a type of therapy although there isn’t really evidence for it’s use in bipolar and there’s a fair amount of skepticism regarding it’s use in depression: http://www.isnr.org/uploads/EvidenceBasedYuchaMontgomeryW.pdf
Regardless, if that doesn’t work for you, then you can move onto many other types of therapy that may work better. Keep in mind that (in North America) psychiatrists generally only prescribe meds and do not do therapy. You need to go to a psychologist for that.
And keep in mind that therapy plus meds has the best success rate.
I’m glad you’ve found the information helpful. Make sure wherever you get your information from it’s a trusted source and you discuss any concerns with a professional.
No, you are not alone.
- Natasha
TalkingtoCactus,
yup, that seems about right. Good analogy. I might steal it.
- Natasha
Lisa,
After years of going to many different Psychiatrists (for meds) and Therapists (with widely varying degrees of ability) I convinced myself I should seek out a Psychiatrist that also provided therapy. I should mention that by this time I had also been deemed treatment resistant (meaning no meds or combos of meds had been successful for me).
That turned out to be the most damaging decision I could have made. I might have survived it better if my insurance wasn’t close to running out. He ended up coerceing me into having ECT which left me with brain damage. I take responsibility for not having done LOTS of research before hand, but really my mind was not in a place to accomplish that.
It’s my opinion that some of the big problems most of us are stuck with is 1) it’s a crap shoot whether we’re going to get mental health care providers that we “click” with AND that have a skill set that actually helps us, and 2) because of the way most health insurance is structured there is rarely continuity of care. I always felt like I was starting at square one every time I had to change therapists. That became a major source of frustration and, in retrospect, an obsession which kind of sabotaged any progress.
SallyT
Hi Sally,
I’m sorry to hear you had a bad experience. It’s rare to find a psychiatrist that does therapy, and normally I would consider one that does, a good thing, but obviously you didn’t have that experience.
ECT is a complex issue and depending on many variables one may see greater or fewer side effects. It is undoubtedly risky, but it’s also the most successful known treatment. I’m sorry that it turned out so badly for you.
Yes, continuity of care is a big issue. A doctor has to get to know you to treat you effectively. All I can say to that is to be as empowered as possible to get the treatment you need and to be open and honest, but of course you’re right, our brains aren’t always in a position to act in our best interest.
I hope you are finding more success now.
- Natasha
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I was wondering if anybody actually gets to put their heightened imagination and creativity or obsessive repetition to good use. For instance, if you see images, maybe you can paint. Or if you tend to repeat songs or words in your head, maybe you can memorize a poem (even if it’s just for the sake of knowing it by heart), study for some course or learn a language. If you are not doing that, can you try? If you tried, did it help, or at least did you get good results in your endeavours (nice painting, good grades, learning the language really well, etc.)? Can you control what songs or words are repeated in your head so that at least you are learning something you want to memorize? Or replace the actual lyrics with whatever you actually need to memorize and then allow the song to play in your head? If so, can you actually recall that information when you actually need it (for instance, if it’s on a test)? If you can use any such techniques, are you actually performing better or worse than when you are perfectly normal and don’t use them?
My psychiatrist just suggested that I may have Bipolar II…I’ve lived with ADHD my whole life. I’ve never really experienced anything that extreme, per say…well, it was more like, “Look at the vegetables on my plate. I bet I could make them into a pretty garden. I’m a freaking genius. The brocolli will be the tree and the corn will be the rocks and the…oh…gardens need flowers. Well, that’s what spaghetti is for!” …O.o To this day, I have no idea what I was thinking.
I read somewhere that Bipolar disorder is often characterized by aggression. Is that true? I experience mild irritability, but I’ve been on Adderral(sp) for so long that I don’t remember what my more aggressive spells felt like.
They also say that children with ADHD wake up in the morning and are alert within seconds, whereas children with Bipolar are irritable. I experience both. Is it possible to have both at the same time?
It sucks having to think about this at 15. My mother’s been acting like I’m psychotic since the psychiatrist suggested it. Any information you can give me would be very much appreciated.
The literacy in the piece was beautiful, by the way:)
Hi Emaera,
Well thank-you for the compliment. It’s always nice to start there.
Regarding ADHD and bipolar. Yes, you could have both of those things. Myself, I’m wary of multiple diagnoses and you might consider getting a second opinion, just to make sure the diagnosis is correct. The worst thing you can do is treat for a disease you don’t have.
I’ve got some other suggestions here: http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/breakingbipolar/2010/08/what-to-do-if-youe28099ve-just-been-diagnosed-as-bipolar/
Bipolar is not characterized by aggression. Some people in a manic or hypomanic state can be aggressive, irritable or angry but that is one of many possible symptoms.
Regarding waking up in the morning, that’s not generally the thinking. Kids with ADHD are often extremely difficult to wake and as for kids with bipolar, I can’t say. But again, this is individual.
I’m sorry your mom is acting differently, but rest assured, you are not psychotic or any different now than the day before the diagnosis.
I recommend you (and your mom) read about bipolar disorder. Mental illness is much less scary when you know the facts.
My very favorite bipolar II site is: http://psycheducation.org/ (click on the Mood Swings link to see intro information)
Bipolar information in general can be found in many places.
Here: http://www.healthyplace.com/bipolar-disorder/main/symptoms-of-bipolar-disorder/menu-id-67/
Here: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/bipolar-disorder/DS00356
Here: http://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/default.htm
There is also a Bipolar for Dummies book and many others.
It absolutely sucks that you have to think about this at 15, you’re right. But you’re asking good questions and now you can do some learning and figure out your next steps.
Good luck.
- Natasha
Natasha, there’s this one episode of King of the Hill called “Just another Manic Khan-Day”. Wondering if you’ve seen that episode, and if so, if it hits close to home or not.
I’m just OCD. With good meds. But problems with self-injury involving my nails/teeth and either dry/broken skin to pick at, old wounds, or sometimes old scars that I attack. I am 42, a computer programmer, mother of a 3 year old toddler diagnosed with mild autism, and part-time caregiver to elderly parents. I take care of my 81 year-old mom’s medication. She suffered a stroke over a year ago. I also pay my parent’s bills. Not in a very timely manner, however.
I have the stress of being “in the sandwich generation” to point fingers at for bad behavior. But honestly, before having a son as toddler #1, then my parents as elderly toddlers #2 and #3, I have been in a self-destructive orbit around the drain of a toilet bowl for years.
I don’t understand why. I just know I keep doing the same thing, the same bad habits, over and over again, and expecting a different outcome. Yep, crazy as a loon.
I am incredibly grateful my husband puts up with me. And incredibly grateful for his love, my toddler’s love, and the love of our silly 80+ and 100+ pound lap dogs, aka our German Shepherds.
Anyway, I hope you are doing well. I’m sorry your brain is broken. I know there are things your bipolar gives you, creativity-wise. I know it takes you down paths most “normals” wouldn’t have thought of taking. But I know it also takes away a great deal from your life.
My OCD has given me some interesting abilities, but has also taken alot away from me. Sometimes I think I want it completely gone, and other times it’s like it defines me, and I wouldn’t know who to be without it.
Oh. My. God.
You’re singin’ my song, sister. I’m hypomanic right now and can’t tell you how much everything you just said resonates. (And then the REVERB!!!) See what I mean? I say crazy-ass things and speak in fragmented sentences because my mouth simply can’t keep up… and yet I’m totally confident that everything I say is right, and charming, and true, and absolutely has to be heard. It’s starting to drive me crazy (haha.) how my environment and the people I come into contact with can’t keep up with me and I don’t even really know what I’m chasing, running so damn fast, but whatever it is I need it and crave it and even though it’s counter-intuitive and unhealthy I just. can’t. stop.
Thanks for being so candid, and keep doing what you’re doing.