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Fear of Losing Someone You Love

Fear of losing someone you love is a common fear. (Or something happening to someone you love.) These fears comes from a great love. The fear is love. But once you realize the love, and take action on that, there is no point to the fear. Fear is immobilizing, love is energizing.

Remember, the biological reason for fear is to get us to act, after the action, the fear is pointless. (Worse than pointless, as it hurts you.)Fear of Losing Someone You Love

In this article, I am going to share something that will hopefully change this fear. At first, we fear losing something because everything is impermanent. Everything changes. But there is one thing important we neglect when we fear impermanence. Here it is:

Even Loss is Impermanent

This, too, passes.

Old friends reconnect, forgive. A late mother’s adages are remembered. Memories of connection come to our minds. And many of us believe in an afterlife where we will join our loved ones again.

In this tangled web of life, we are all connected. Our minds, hearts and souls are in sync with the world around us. When we are not connected to that world–when we feel separate–it is often expressed in mental health problems.

Anxiety, anger and depression come from a sense of disconnection. Anxiety makes us afraid of where we are are going; that we could lose something, miss an opportunity, or be inadequate. It makes us fear losing someone we love. We have to think we are separate, or different, to feel this way. Depression makes us feel bereft, isolated, left out, unloved and like we don’t belong anywhere–separate. Anger comes from a sense of injustice that happened to us–it stems from an “us-them” mentality.

All of these are in our mind. We create a world where we are separate and don’t belong, and victimized and then we feel worse and worse. Where, in reality, this makes us blind to the love we do have in our lives, blind to the people who care about us, and blind to our own contributions in life. This is lose-lose.

Take Action. Reduce Fear

There are many ways to take action instead of being immobilized by fear. For example: spend time with the person, tell them you love them, show them you love them, keep them company, offer them help, and thank them. All of these actions will help you feel more connected and lessen the fear.

Fear of Losing Someone You Love

If we remembered that we are connected, our hearts would warm and our grief would ease. When we bring to mind the unbreakable bonds between us and a loved one, as well as the influence those have had on our life, the fear of loving someone you love would decrease.

People are afraid it is too late. It is never too late. Even if someone dies–the relationship–the influence goes on, and so we can do something. As long as the “relationship” is there, we can mold it, and make new meaning around it. (Meaning that includes connection rather than loss. Meaning that includes positive self identity of love and caring.)

This makes all the difference in how we feel: bereft or connected.

Have you been immobilized by the fear of losing someone you love?

By Jodi Lobozzo Aman

I blog here: Heal Now and Forever Be In Peace
and here: Anxiety-Schmanxiety Blog,
share here: Twitter@JodiAmanGoogle+
inspire here: Facebook: Heal Now and Forever Be in Peace,
Get my free E-book: What Is UP In Your DOWN? Being Grateful in 7 Easy Steps.

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94 Responses to Fear of Losing Someone You Love

  1. Nikky44 says:

    Thank you Jodi for this post. it helps a lot to think that when we are connected to a person, there is no loss. Loss for me was death, but now it is something else. I used to be afraid of the death of a loved one. Since i was a child and until maybe just 10 years ago, I used to visit everyone’s bed at night just to make sure they are breathing.The perception of loss has changed for me.Losing the one I love now became losing “the love” of the ones I love. Death is easier for me to handle as I feel the connection can get even stronger after death because it is not limited by time or subject to any influence. It’s only while reading the post that i realized that change in me. I realized that loss for me had nothing to do with death.

  2. Losing someone’s love is a fear that comes with a sense of unworthiness. You have nothing to be afraid of. The “love” you have lost lately (online “friends”) hasn’t really been love. Those relationships built around anxiety, misery, desperation. The real love is lasting now. See it. :)

  3. Pam E says:

    After 20 years of an unhappy marriage, and a few years of being VERY alone, I fell in love (quite unexpectedly) with the love of my life. We married a few months ago and things are fantastic. But the better they get the worse the panic inside me that something is going to go wrong; one of us will get hurt, get sick, etc. things don’t go smoothly like this for me, I feel like it can’t continue. And the assistance of friends who try to rationalize things doesn’t help, if it was rational it wouldn’t be called panic, right? No matter what I tell myself, to live in the moment, enjoy what I have, that I deserve this and it’s long overdue, I can’t seem to get a handle on it.

    • Pam, It is just the fear running away with your mind. You are right about it being irrational, but sometimes reason can help us talk ourselves out of it. I am sure your fear counters with “It could happen.” Try Tapping (EFT), Google it. It may help. Also face the fear. What if the worst happens, how will you be? Your fear want you to think you’ll go out of your mind, but you probably have had crisis before where you kept your head. Imagine this, use it as an affirmation. Picture yourself calm in a crisis. Think about spiritual questions like why we are here and what happen when we die, knowing this life is temporary, and there is eternity beyond, can be very helpful. These are just off the top of my head. I am available to meet over skype if you ever wanted to. xo Jodi

  4. Jennifer says:

    I love this website, I just found it and it has changed my life greatly. As I am going thru a transition of sorts. The man I love I became jealous of him, and the article that you wrote of Fear vs Love made me realize what I’ve been doing with trying to control him so I wouldn’t loose him. And I am afraid that I have lost him due to my jealousy as you called fear. I’m learnt alot just from reading these posts. I hope I can figure out the rest. Thank you so much for being so insightful. can you tell me any other articles that you have that I may read to assist me in learning about how to control my anger and jealous controlling nature for being in a relationship.

  5. Frank Foster says:

    This post lifted my soul.

    Cheers
    Frank Foster
    Queensland, Australia

  6. Pingback: Two Ways To Keep Calm In The Face Of Tragedy | Anxiety-Schmanxiety Blog

  7. Juliana says:

    Thank you Jodi for the post. I am now able to calm down and release myself from this anxiety! I appreciate it so much.

  8. Dixie says:

    I think sometimes the fear and anxiety may have a basis in reality. Example: last fall I had a persistent foreboding that something bad was going to happen to one of us – i.e. me, my husband, two cats, two dogs. It was a constant anxiety that I thought about nearly every day, and was very unusual for me to experience such a thing. Sure enough, one of the cats became ill, and died. I think I was picking up on subtle behavioural and/or physiological changes in him and didn’t realize it until it became very obvious. Saddest thing is that the anxiety and fear caused by his illness caused me to handle the situation badly.

    • Dear Dixie,
      I might say that the foreboding brought fear so immediately that it seemed to be combined as one. The fear then continued on, causing daily anxiety. Many people have the constant fear and nothing happens to their loved ones. I am so sorry about your sweet kitty. It is such a loss to you and your family.

      It is sometimes tricky to separate intuition from fear and people often worry that their fears are premonitions. This increases the fear. Which becomes it own animal, if you will. Premonitions feel quite different from fear, if you learn how to tell the difference.

      “Based in reality” is relative. By that logic we can be afraid constantly. We know everything must die, (death is “real”). Some assume it is “rational” to fear only when death is imminent, but then again we know it can happen even when we are not expecting it. This can paralyze us with fear ALL the time, and I wonder if this is a way to live. Now, I wonder, why fear death or loss at all? It can be painful to loose a loved one, but why be scared? We fear that we can’t handle it. Or we fear the pain of it. We can allow ourselves to feel the pain and love of loss without the fear attached. I hope this helps.
      Love,
      Jodi

  9. Sukeei says:

    Dear Jodi,

    I don’t know how to express but thing is like that. I married 5 years back and due to some differences my wife and me got separated..Though we remained in periodically contact and sometimes even also met but things have gone out of control..I would like to say that I had during this time always faced loneliness and missed my wife a lot…I totally dipped myself in alcohol but never cheated my wife by having an illicit relationship with any gal..but things went wrong few months back..I started to visit pros. and out of 24 hours most of the time I remained in influence of alcohol or dopes..I lost my job and again I came in contact with my wife…one day I confessed my sins to my wife..she accepted and said just focus and try to be something again so we can live again together..Now, Jodi one thing I would like to say is My wife is now behaving strangely she is not talking with me properly..I m really facing vivid mental stress beyond my capacity..and I don’t want to loose my wife..It has been 5 years since I last met to my wife..Is there any way I can cope with this situation?

  10. Lindsey says:

    this is absolutely amazing….i met my soul mate about a year ago and he is absolutely amazing…things are so good for us that the better they become, the worse my anxiety of losing him gets…if i ever lost him…i would lose myself….yes i believe in God and i am strong in my faith…but how do you continue with your soul missing? I am terrified of losing him and im becoming paranoid :( its painful thinking about it.

  11. Lindsey says:

    its becoming so bad that if he doesn’t answer my calls in a certain amount of time i start panicking….i realize on a grand scale what’s going on…and I’ve tried so hard rationalizing with myself…truly this isn’t me….but I’ve never loved someone with this much power before…..he is my everything…and without him i will no longer have a purpose in life

    • He will be part of your soul whether you are together or not. You see, you were part of each of before you met, and you’ll be together after this lifetime. This is but a blip in your existence together. ‘Loss’ as we think of it isn’t real. The fear is just an anxiety hooking itself into something that you figure is a real thing to be afraid of. It gets you when you’re vulnerable. Treat it as any other fear, it means only the meaning you give it. Right now it’s hard to let go, but if you render it meaningless it’ll go. Hope this makes sense!
      Xo
      Jodi

  12. Sándor says:

    Hello! I am going through a rough period lately. A few weeks ago I started to realise, that time is going on, and we’ll not live forever. My dad is 65, my mom is 55. They don’t show signs of any health issues, but still I’mffeeling concerned about what will happen. In addition, I’m having a wonderful relationship with my dream girl, for almost 1 year and a half. So, please help me get rid of this. I have moments when I’m perfectly fine, but mostly I’m feeling this fear. Many thanks :-)

    • Sandor,
      Sometimes it helps to face this fear of losing people. Knowing that no matter what the relationship lives on, and that people get through unspeakable loss. Then basically take action to get closer, love more, be together so that you feel that connection fully! If you want to take more specifically let me know!
      Love,
      Jodi

  13. Jenneatte says:

    Recently my parent not in a good term and they are separated for a short period. The feel i have right now is it seem like the fear of losing someone i care. Then there is one fortune teller told me my marriage will only lasts for 20 years. I’m really afraid of it. The feel of missing someone and it makes me can’t love someone trully because of the fear. After that, the fear of losing my sister and others that close. It makes me all alone and when the feel conquer my mind andheart my heartbeat increases and my sleeping hour reduce.

    • Jenneatte,

      In this turbulant time, it is common to get anxious about lots of things. It will pass and you get used to things. You can’t tell the future, we have free will and we can do so much to change things, that it is not written in the cards yet. You and your husband can make your relationship what you want. YOu will feel better if you love more, express more, not less. Fear spearating you from those you love will just make you more afraid!

      Love,
      Jodi
      xo

  14. niki says:

    dear jodi am in love with a guy he also loves me very much bt am scared. of loosing him.. he always reasures me that it is not going to happen but am still scared it maybe cause of ex who cheated me and left me without even telling me why? now am scared that my bf is abt to leave me i always have this fears dat he is cheatng on me or leaving me or trying to get rid of me.. bt he says he is not doing that.. i really love this guy and dont want to loose him in amy circumstances and stay happily with him pls help me before its tol late.. i cant take it if he leaves me am gonna collapse pls reply

    • Niki,
      Just relax and feel his love, this is just fear. And the fear will only spearate you. Believe in yourself. It is not a lack of trust in him, but in yourself. Work on trusting yourself. That you can handle everything.
      love,
      Jodi

  15. niki says:

    am scared maybe our relationship is already in the brink of break up or maybe not.. i love him am crazy for him.. i ask him daily whether if he is going to leave me and he is almost fed up by my questions.. he is sweet lovable amazing and takes great care of me but now what should i do i dont wanna loose him pls i dont want him to thiml am insane.and all that. but i care for him really i do.. i di

    • Maybe you can see a counselor. It is not him making you anxious but you. A counselor can help you help each other through this!
      xo
      Jodi

      • VK says:

        Hi Jodi,

        I had a gf and because of family pressures she has started behaving very rudely and arrogantly with me all of a sudden. Previously she used to like each and everything I used to do. I used to care for her, I used to love her and she used to love it, appreciate it. But its been more than 2 months now when she finds my mistakes in everything I do and fights with me forever. I begged of her not to behave in this way, I asked forgiveness from her 100s of times but she is just not ready to listen and the extremity is that she has blocked me from everywhere stating she hates me. I have gone paranoid and I just dont understand what do I do to bring her back in my life. I have gone breathless, I just can’t imagine my life without her and she is least bothered about me. It’s all because of family pressures on her but I am suffering like hell of having a fear of losing her. I will die of this fear and pain I am going through. Please help.

        • VK,
          Does she want to stay together? Why is she still your girlfriend if she has this big of a problem. If she is still with you, I would ask her what is going on? Why the change and what happened. Maybe there is something you don’t know. Broken hearts feel like we can’t get over them, but we can! Sending a hug! You won’t die if you choose to live! <3 Jodi

          • VK says:

            I like the way you replied Jodi but she is no more in relationship with me and we have got separated though not officially but yes she has stopped communicating totally with me wherein we used to be in touch every hour and now its been lot many days we haven’t been in touch. I have lost all hopes in this relationship cz whenever I ping her she gets irritated so I have left her on her own. But the mental pain I am going through is hell. Thanks for your healing reply Jodi, hope it helps.

            Best Rgds,
            VK :)

  16. JO says:

    I came across your post while trying to read up on the loss of my cat and dealing with it. I always have an intense fear of losing a loved one and today it actually happened and it’s just as terrible as I imagined. I am not a religious person so I have trouble believing in the afterlife, soul etc. This loss of my cat has now made me want to stop loving everything b/c what is the point if your just going to feel like this when its gone? I would rather not ever have felt the love than to have felt such a happy feeling as love and then loose part of it and I mean part of it – physical being, touch, speech, LIFE! If the love never existed than you don’t have to deal with the intense pain when its gone.

    • JO,
      I am so sorry about yout kitty! It is common to feel like you want to never love after a heartbreak of loss. This is grief. Let it come, when you get more space you might realize you were better off having your kitty rather than never having her. If the love never exists you would have no joy ever at all. I wish I could give you a big hug and take away all of your pain. I’m so sorry! xo

  17. Sarah says:

    I have both anxiety and depression. Last week my mom had a seizure which has never happend before. I handled the situation well, called 911 and was calm, then this week it hit me. I’ve been crying every night before bed because I think about all the people I love and I don’t want to not be able to talk to them when they’re gone, it’s hard to except the fact that they won’t exist anymore. I know there will be times when they’re gone that ill wish I could just talk to them and that makes me so sad. It brings back the anxieties and fears of when I was a kid I was always scared something would happen to my mom. She’s my best friend and someone I love taking with. I just hurt so badly thinking about it

    • We’d all be going crazy if we thought about losing our loved ones all the time. Most people cope by not thinking about it. After an event like this it is in your face, but with time, it’ll help you appreciate her more (it already is) and you won’t be quite so anxious! I promise. Your response is normal!

  18. Rebecca says:

    This Blog is amazing! I’m coming “off” of what has been extreme anxiety / panic attacks for the last week or so. Ive been in therapy gkr 3 years and doing really well. My mom is a cancer survivor but this year had breasted cancer go to the bone
    . Overall she is doing well but fell ill yo her stomach last week and my body reacted as though it was the end of the world. That fear kicked in and I was catastrophizing every possible outcome. Nothing relieved it. It felt “premonition ” like…
    She went to the Dr. Today and learned she has diverticulitis. Instantly the anxiety subsided. I often feel silly after such a spell.
    I have had my worst fears realized when I lost my first husband to cancer at 25. Then 2 years ago my dad dropped dead. You would think I could rationalize knowing I survived both but my mind and body aren’t rational.
    Lots of great stuff here. Thank you so much for all you do!

  19. reena says:

    I had a painful relationship for 4 years which was filled with tension and nothing else. I loved him and did everything i could. But he didnt realize it the right time. I told my bfrnd that i wanted to end it for which he wasnt ready. He took an extreme step and ended his life. Now my condition is even more worst. Living life coz it has to be lived. Each minute I die thinking of him.

  20. John says:

    I know its unhealthy being worried all the time but its difficult to change. I have constant anxiety and thoughts in my head about losing someone close to me. I have a few days where im ok but then it comes back. It starts by getting anxiety, having “what if” scenerios, thinking about what would i do if this person dies, etc… its depressing living with anxiety.

    • Change, no matter the type, is always difficult. It seems like you have a desire to overcome your worry, which is an important first step. It seems, too, that you recognize that there are distorted thoughts at the root of the worry. This is very perceptive! Have you heard of cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT)? It helps people examine their thought patterns and change the way they think about things. It’s a very effective approach to overcoming many things, including various forms of anxiety and depression. Many counselors and therapists are experts at CBT, and there are also numerous books and articles available about it. Perhaps you might find benefits in exploring this.

  21. zaima says:

    hi ..i am 20 year old…and a few month before .i went to a friends house for vacations and their i saw a sudden death..and after that i m toooo much depressed and like,,i cant tell u how helpless i m feeling all the time…m not getting..what s happening with me..

    • Zaima, witnessing a death is very traumatic, and what you describe is a normal reaction. While I of course I don’t know you and so am not in a position to tell you what is going on, I will say that in general, witnessing a death can lead to post-traumatic stress disorder. Only a professional (a therapist/counselor/doctor) can make this diagnosis, and whether or not they conclude that you are experiencing PTSD, they can help you sort out what is going on. You won’t always feel the way you do. I do encourage you to find help and support.

  22. JOHN/JCS says:

    Thank you for your Good Guidance very much

  23. alice says:

    I was reading comments and im going through the same thing that jennifer did back in feb 27, 2013. I would love to read the blog she was talking about Fear Vs Love but couldnt find it.

    • Hi Alice,
      Jodi is no longer writing the Anxiety-Schmanxeity blog for HealthyPlace, so she is unable to respond to comments. I’m Tanya, one of the new authors of Anxiety-Schmanxiety. I did a little digging, and I was unable to find the Fear Vs Love article. Perhaps someone reading these comments knows the exact article to which you are referring and can provide a link. Sorry I was unable to find it.

  24. nidhi says:

    I have a constant fear that I’ll lose my father
    He is my only parent
    My mom has left me and my dad
    I fear he will die
    I will be alone
    I don’t know why I get these thoughts
    I really cannot lose him

    • Hello nidhi,
      The fear of loss is very real and very scary. It’s also common. You’re not alone. Like Jodi mentioned in her article, it comes from love. It also comes from a sense of loss. I imagine that it was likely very difficult when your mother left (I don’t want to put words in your mouth or to assume that I know what it felt like for you, of course.) While your dad might not just leave you the way your mom did, you fear that he might leave you by dying. Have you talked to him about this fear? It might be helpful for the two of you to talk about your love for each other, the odds of either of you dying soon, and how to focus on love in life rather than fear of death. There are never guarantees in life, but if you process this with him and think of ways to enjoy him and life, you might be able to reduce anxiety and move fear of loss to the background.

  25. Wouter says:

    Hi there,

    my situation is a little bit more difficult. I love someone, but there are 4 reasons why fear demolishes everything.
    1) She loves someone else. She has a boyfriend for over 3 years.
    2) She’s in my class in school, making it so painful to see her every day but not a single moment for just the two of us.
    3) She knows that I love her, but I think she still doesn’t understand how serious my problems are. I’m pretty emotional myself. I get carried away by her beauty, her intelligence, her humor, her compassion,… She cares about others and want them to be happy too. I don’t know what exactly the cause of it is, but I think she started to leave me be. Maybe because I can’t live a day without her. Or she’s just tired of listening to my problems.
    4) The fact that she’s in my class is the hardest. I’m graduating in 3 months. We will all go our separate ways. I love her and my friends too much. I care too much = I lose too much. The fear is too strong and I can’t handle it anymore. Getting more and more the feeling of loneliness.

    • Hello Wouter,
      The increased feeling of loneliness that you describe is quite common as people approach major transitions, such as graduation from school. It can be overwhelming to think of you and your friends going on separate paths. It’s very anxiety provoking, and it can feel like loss. But while your friendships are changing, they aren’t erased. This next stage of life is about further discovering yourself, your interests, your passions, and forming new relationships as you go. And it might be especially painful at first to be away from the girl you feel strongly about, perhaps having a bit of space and distance will make room for you to be yourself. Schools often have counselors who are expert in helping people transition as graduation approaches. Is there a counselor there with whom you could meet to talk about things and plan for ways to both keep your old friends and prepare for new ones? Talking with someone and actively making a plan often helps people feel more in control of their changing lives.

      • Wouter says:

        I don’t think my school has one. Maybe it does, but I don’t know if I want to tell my dilemma to them… That girl and 2 other friends of mine (all in my class) are the only people who know everything of this problem. They were/are there for me and I know it. But still, even if it’s not about losing them forever, I don’t think I can handle it. You could say I got separation phobia. I’m used to see my friends every day in school, etc. But seeing them so often, makes it more painful to be without them. Taking distance is apparently too painful for me. And many people said that there’s a “new life” starting for me after secondary school. I can be someone else, start fresh and make new connections. But who says I want that? I never want to say goodbye to them. Wish this year would go on forever. I don’t want a fresh start, but a life with my current friends close to me.

        • Hi Wouter,
          Separation is often painful, and separation anxiety is real. You don’t have to have a completely fresh start with a blank slate. Even if your current friends aren’t nearby next year, in what ways can you stay in contact with them? Perhaps you could all make a plan or a pact for contact (either through social media, e-mail, texting, or phone calls/skype) at regular times so you know you can count on having some time with them consistently. It’s not the same, but it would continue the connection. Also, think in terms of little things you can do to adjust to the change rather than looking it as one huge picture that is difficult to deal with. Finally, keep cherishing your friendships! While they do change, they won’t suddenly cease to exist. That’s good!

          • Wouter says:

            Mmmh, thank you for the advide. And for caring, even if this is a blog for questions. Thank you.

  26. Laetitia says:

    It’s been two years since I’m withe my boyfriend and I have this constant fear that something is going to happen to him.
    It all begins with him loosing his phone so I was unable to contact him and now when he is taking to long to reply, I have those thoughts that something bad happened to him.
    I have anxiety and I’m seeing a counsellor but it’s hard for me and even if he is trying to understand and support, I’m sure it’s hard for my boyfriend as well.

    • Hi Laetitia,
      Jodi is the one who wrote this article, but because she is not longer writing for HealthyPlace, she is unable to respond to comments. I’m Tanya, one of the current authors of the Anxiety-Schmaxiety column. Anxiety about something happening to someone you care about is very unpleasant, to say the least. It seems that you feel that this is something you don’t want to do, and that is a good thing. Awareness of an anxiety is the first step in growing past it. And seeking treatment is a way of taking control — even though the progress can seem slow. I’m glad you shared your story here, and I think that many people will be able to relate to it and thus know that they’re not alone (you’re not alone, either).

  27. Taylor S says:

    Hello. I have this really bad anxiety that has been taking over my life the past month all I do is worry about losing my loved ones 2 daughters 8months and 4months and my fiancé I love them so much it sickens me to my stomach the thought of ever losing them it makes me question my faith with god lately which is something I have never done before. I’m a stay at home mom now so it seems like ll I do is drive myself crazy I’m scared I’ll go nuts if I don’t get a hold on this fear of mine. I even have these irrational thoughts of what the afterlife will be like and if we will ever meet again after this life and will they be safe. I don’t even like to go out much because of it, I’m really trying to keep it together but it’s hard

    • Hi Taylor,
      Jodi is the one who wrote this article, but because she is no longer writing for HealthyPlace, she is unable to respond to comments. I’m Tanya, one of the current authors of Anxiety-Schmanxiety. I’m happy that you found HealthyPlace, and specifically the article about the fear of losing someone you love. You’re not alone; it’s a common anxiety that, as you probably know, can take over thoughts and can become an obsession. I hope you found some tips and common experiences in the comments. This is a healthy way of getting out and connecting to others. Doing so can help pull us out of the isolation that can accompany extreme anxiety. It’s also beneficial to get out in person to make connections in your community. It can feel very difficult at first, so consider taking little steps. Take regular walks or trips to a park where you might eventually meet other mothers, join a parenting group (M.O.P.S. groups are common nation-wide), connect with an old friend, etc. These won’t immediately solve the problem, but they can help you reconnect, and connection really does tame fear — especially a fear of losing those close to you.

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    • Hello there,
      Jodi is the one who wrote this terrific article, but because she’s no longer writing for HealthyPlace, she is unable to respond to comments. I’m Tanya, one of the current writers of the Anxiety-Schmanxiety blog. On behalf of all of HealthyPlace, I’ll say that we’re glad that you discovered this place and find it both enjoyable and informative. I hope you continue to visit, read, and interact, and I look forward to more comments from you.

  29. Violet says:

    Hi,

    I really like the name of this site. I am hoping to get some help here-before it’s too late.

    I fear I am losing something/someone really special, and I don’t know quite what to do.

    Oh dear, I guess I should start from the top.
    I will be short so I hope I don’t leave anything important out.

    My guy and I met late in life. We connected via an
    online dating site. We had both been through some really painful experiences. I was married for a number of years. He has never been wed, we are both in our mid 40′s.

    I was the one to initiate the relationship. He did not mail me back for over a month- so I thought he was not interested. But he did, and we seemed to be a great match. I felt I had finally started living.
    We met at an area resort over Labor Day w/e of 2012. Upon our first meeting, I did something I should not have, and brought up some topics that were of interest to see how he felt. One of those discussions was about weight/ and fitness. I made the mistake of asking him if I was his match physically. To which he told me in brutal honesty that I was not. Weight was an issue for him. He told me that he wished he could be unconditional but was not. I kept the hurt to myself. We ended up having a fabulous time. But I remember thinking to myself on the long ride home that it was over before it started. To my shock he contacted me right away. I was still mulling over what he had said to me and so I was not convinced I wanted to enter into another dead-end relationship.So I told him how he had made me feel. To which he got really angry and told me that he felt I had misrepresented myself on my profile. I am 5’4 and i weigh 118 lbs. (this is below the BMI for my height) Anyway- somehow we got past that when he admitted that he feels self-conscience if the girl is in his mind bigger. He is 5’5 and weighs about 135??? So he has height issues.

    Okay, to the point. We started off shaky but we began to develop what I thought were strong feelings for one another. Great, we made the move in last fall. I moved across 2 states for him.
    I was happy to do it, I am very much in love with him. At first it was nice- we had some issues, but a lot to deal with pets we each had.

    The problem is, he does not tell me he loves me, he barely looks at me when I am talking to him.
    He gets irritated with me easily, he tells me that I am trying to control him if I complain that he never initiates intimacy. If he does it is when he is wanting something in return.

    If I try to bring the subject up he gets defensive and angry. He tells me your lying and it’s all BS. I was beginning to think I am going crazy. I am not a person who needs the other’s attention all the time- I like to do my own thing too; and have my own life. However I am beginning to feel sad, lonely, invisible and unloved. My fear is that he is not really all that interested in me physically and that he doesn’t really not how to tell me.
    Did I mention that he has roaming eyes as well (usually right in front of me).

    I don’t want to waste another year on loving someone who will probably never love me, and who will at some point want out. What do I do? Please help.

    sincerely,
    Violet

    • Hi Violet,
      I’m so glad that you found HealthyPlace and that you think it will be helpful for you. Jodi is the one who wrote this article, but as she is no longer writing for HealthyPlace, she is unable to respond to comments. I’m Tanya, one of the current writers of Anxiety-Schmanxiety. I think what you describe, an unbalance of love and power and communication in a relationship, is something that so many people will relate to. One thing to ponder, and it might take some time to come to a conclusion, is whether you want to be with this man specifically or if you like the idea of having a relationship. It’s very easy to get those tangled up because we naturally want relationships to work. When they don’t, it’s very anxiety-provoking. I have a feeling that other readers will be able to share their experiences to help you sort this out.

  30. Chloe says:

    I really appreciated this post. I am 16 and have suffered from my anxiety disorder since I was 7. It is entirely linked to separation, when I was younger it was the irrational fear of my parents dying. However the anxiety wasn’t so much about irrational instances of their death but the irrational feeling of needing to worry about how I could ever possibly cope without them, so it made to difficult to just say “oh that won’t happen, because it will. It was just about getting my mind to stop attacking me about it. I have had a really great two years with maybe 5 anxiety attacks total. However recently I have developed a new source for my anxiety to latch on to. I have been dating a boy for two years now and we have very strong intentions of being married. (Not the sappy normal teenager love, more of a Christ centered love where we found more love for each other through our morals and Christ like characterizations. However he has type 1 diabetes, and I have had anxiety attacks every night for the past 3 months about him dying and how I could ever love without him. These are much stronger than the old ones and it seems no matter what I do I can’t shake them. My medicine (Xanax) is set to the lowest possible dosage and my body used to be extremely sensitive to it, but now it doesn’t even work. I know we have eternity after life, I know he’s going to go to heaven, but my anxiety is absolutely refusing to just let me be. I get images of him dying, having to watch him die, what I’ll do the second after I find out that hes dead. Can anyone help me? It’s starting to make me scared of being with him, for fear that these attacks will keep making me sick every night for the rest of my life.

    • Hi Chloe,
      Thank you for commenting and sharing your experiences. Jodi is the one who wrote this article, but as she is no longer writing for HealthyPlace, she is unable to comment. I’m Tanya, one of the current authors of Anxiety-Schmanxiety. It sounds like you have very strong feelings of love and caring — for your parents, for your boyfriend, etc. That is a very wonderful character strength, but it definitely can be anywhere from frustrating to downright debilitating when it is so powerful that it interferes in the very relationships you cherish. You mentioned that when this happened with your parents, you had to get your mind to stop attacking you. That’s a really great way to put this! Our minds can most definitely attack us. I understand that this situation is different than the one with your parents, but the same principles of love, caring, attachment, and separation anxiety are at work. Back then, how did you get your mind to stop playing those tricks (whatever you did must have been effective — your panic attacks became few and far between)? Perhaps start there. Even though this love is different, it can be effective to go back to what worked for you then. Then build off it. Perhaps others here can comment and share their own techniques for calming this very real fear.

      • Chloe says:

        Ms.Tanya thank you so much for replying!
        I have gone through the same process of trying to rid myself from this anxiety as I did when I was younger. However, much of that involved having my mom sleep with me every night to get me to relax. Then we decided on seeing a psychologist. She’s amazing and has helped me a great deal, however it was through processes like writing in a journal and breathing techniques. These worked then but are barely of any help now, and obviously my mom can’t come sleep with me or I’d be reversing my success. Are there any medicines I could take to keep the anxiety away? Preferably one that doesn’t cause and addiction, I took myself off of lexapro a year ago because it wasn’t working but still gave me frustrating side effects. Are there any known daily medicines that actually keep the anxiety away? Yes I love deeply, and it’s seeming to be more of a curse than a gift. I’m sorry to bother you with all these questions. Soon I will be going to college and my dream would be to minor in health missions and major in nursing and then continue on to specializing in ICU care and specializing again in ICU pediatric care. However at night (my anxiety trigger) the thought of caring for so many makes me sick. This is my dream, and I don’t want to give it up, but I can’t spend the rest of my life going to bed with all these thoughts forcing themselves into my head without me having ANY control over stopping them.

        • Hello again Chloe,
          Please don’t apologize! HealthyPlace is a resource and a forum, and it is our hope that people come here to find some answers to their mental health questions. Unfortunately, because I don’t have a medical degree and because HealthyPlace isn’t a medical site, I can’t give advice on prescriptions. Medication is so complex, as are people, and something that works wonders for one person could be horrible for someone else. You have great questions, though, and I encourage you to talk to a doctor you are comfortable with. Reading your comments, I think you should truly feel confident in yourself that you can overcome this (journeys of recovery aren’t always quick and easy, but they are possible). I say this because you have both goals and insight. You are aware of your anxiety, what causes it, and when it is at its worst, you know that the thing that would ease your anxiety (having your mother lie down with you) will be a setback so you’re resisting because you want to move forward, and you have goals for your future — plus you are wise in recognizing that the goal of caring for so many might be overwhelming for you, and that means that you can make adjustments so your goals are healthy for you. These are all great things that you can build on as you move forward. Perhaps it might be helpful to identify just one thing that is the most problematic for you right now and focus on reducing that. How can you calm your anxious thoughts about that one thing? Just let the other anxieties hang out in the background while you work on the first thing. When you have that minimized to a degree that you’re comfortable with, identify the next anxiety to work on, and so forth. You’re not doomed to this for life!

  31. Jasmaine says:

    I have been unable to sleep at night since I was a toddler. All day long there was a deep rooted pent up stress. It was something I could not comprehend even as a child when I told myself why I could be so stressed up for. Last year I met a psychic at a party. The people aroound me asked for good luck in relationship, work n studies etc but I only had one question. I wanted to know who I was in a past life. The psychic said it was an interesting question, why did I ask. I said cos I felt that my past life still has a connection with my present life and I wanted to know what it was.

    The psychic replied that I was working for the govt. I had a lot of changes in my life so there was this stress I couldn let go of. At that moment it all made sense. Why I couldn sleep, and not jus why I couldn sleep, i understood why i couldn look for good relationships or a good job. Both were things I deserved but neither is what I have. I am content with shitty situations cos I dont want to hurt too much when things go away.

    Before I acquire something, my past life haa already taught me the fear of losing something i really love and cant bear to let go of. How can I self heal when I cant experience the hurt now that I had experienced in a past life?

    • Hi Jasmaine,
      Jodi is the one who wrote this post, but because she is no longer writing for HealthyPlace, she’s unable to respond to comments. I’m Tanya, one of the current writers of Anxiety-Schmanxiety. Thank you for your comment. I’m not familiar with bridging past and current lives as part of the healing process. I do know that coming to accept ourselves for who we are is an important component of mental health and well-being. When people come to terms with their past and embrace the strengths they have now, anxiety and depression are often reduced. The principles are likely similar in your situation. Also, have you looked into resources that exist in this area? There might be books written about this subject. Whatever you do, don’t give up on yourself and your ability to heal.

  32. Chloe says:

    Last time I promise! (:
    I would love to pinpoint just one source of the anxiety and work on it. This is something I’ve tried. I said this anxiety was different and stronger right? The thing about it is when the anxiety comes it seems to have no reason, it gives me all the symptoms (shaking,nausea,headaches,throwing up, uncontrollable thoughts, complete misery etc.) but it’s as though the anxiety makes me search for a reason to be nervous if that makes any sense? It’s just there. All the time. Sitting in the back of my head waiting for it to get dark. Like right now for instance, I’m at a lockin with the youth group at my church, and the anxiety is just sitting there and when people say random comments about death it comes out of nowhere fluctuates, makes me feel like I’m gonna pile and then goes back down but it’s still there like it’s waiting for something else to be said. I hate the thought of having to go through this for the rest of my life. And while yes some nights I’m just too exhausted to do anything but pass out, I miss nights where I could stay up and watch movies with my family. Or go to a youth event at church and actually feel good enough to participate. Is there such thing as an anxiety disorder that has no real subject, but many and it waits to make me sick? Does any of this make sense?

    • Hi again!
      Yes, all of this definitely makes sense. While I’m not in a position to make a diagnosis, I will say that what you are describing sounds like features of panic disorder. The symptoms you mention as well as an unidentifiable cause are part of panic disorder, a specific type of anxiety disorder. With panic disorder, panic attacks come on seemingly at random, anywhere at any time, and don’t appear to have a single cause. You do have some specific things behind yours (the fear of having someone you love die, and a stronger intensity at night). Still, that doesn’t rule out panic disorder and can actually be a good thing (well, anxiety isn’t “good” of course) because they can give you a focus for improvement. A psychologist/psychiatrist can make an official diagnosis and be able to help you work through this. I’m sure it doesn’t feel like it now, but this won’t last forever. It will get better, and working with a professional therapist can help a lot. Hang in there!

  33. Chloe says:

    Tanya, I don’t know if you believe this or if it will offend you, but everytime you’ve replied to me your words have been something I needed to read desperately. I personally believe that some of those words came from God through you. Thankyou so much for all of your help. I really do mean it when I say you have helped me immensely! Whether you’re an official doctor or not. Keep doing what you’re doing.(:

    • Thank you so much, Chloe! Your words mean a great deal to me. I want use what I know (from graduate school, experience as a counselor, and experience as a patient myself–I’ve even been hospitalized) to help others help themselves. I always hope that I provide helpful information, but I never quite know. (Such is life, right — we never quite know!). Truly, thank you for your words. I sincerely wish you all the best and I know that you’ll do well as you go forward. Keep visiting HealthyPlace! :)

  34. Mary says:

    My husband I never had any kids. In July 1986 I was asked to babysit for a newborn whose parent was going to back to work after maternity leave.I agreed and June 22 he arrived at my house at the age of 6 weeks old. In May 1988 the mother had another little boy so now I had 2 to watch. In December 1989 the mother had a Christmas Eve little girl. My husband and myself did everything with the kids either with or without the parents going along. We were called their God-parents and remained so when they grew older. In March 2010 the young lady then 20 called me and wanted me to pick her up cause her and her boyfriend had been in a fight ( she was in a Domestic Violence relationship) so I went right down and brought her to our house. The next day she decided to stay with us and not go back. Other things happened during the time she was living with us which I am not going to go into detail about, but May 28 she went to stay with a friend overnight out of town. May 29th at 10 in the morning our life changed for the most terrible thing a parent and yes a parent we felt like to all of them a cop knocked on our door to inform us she had been found deceased. The friend she had stayed with came afterwards and informed us of what had happened to her and how she passed away which I am also going to keep that quiet also, but I will say it’s not the truth and her friend knows this, but her parents are blaming us for her death, the oldest son now 29 hasn’t talked with us in the 4 years she has been gone and the now the other son now 27 has stopped talking with us a year ago. I have tried so hard to talk with both brothers and neither one will have anything to with me or my husband. This was always a fear of mine that someday I would loose these kids which were and still are a huge part of my life. I love them so much and with them not wanting anything to do with us is breaking my heart. I don’t understand where is the love that was once there, the feelings we once had. I understand the parents reasoning cause there has to be blame somewhere and we are the target for that. I just want my family back and don’t know how to deal with all of this. I have PTSD from her death which I have under control better now then before, but I am so lost without them in my life. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated, but I still know I have to make the choice whatever that may be. Thank you

    • Mary says:

      I was asked to watch him in June not July

    • Hi Mary,
      Thank you so much for reading and for commenting with your story. Jodi is the one who wrote this article, but as she is no longer writing for HealthyPlace, she is unable to respond to comments. I’m sorry to hear of your struggles. There may be readers here who have experienced something similar and can share with you things that they did to work through it. It sounds like it’s important to you to have this family back in your life. It can be not only difficult but sometimes even harmful to try to provide suggestions online. Have you considered consulting a family therapist who might offer suggestions or at least suggest readings and resources that could be helpful for you. Good luck as you work to reunite.

  35. Mary says:

    I have been to counseling and I don’t really feel this would be a reason to go back. I thank you for response but this is something I feel just needs to be done with without that.

  36. Lauren says:

    I met a man 4 years ago. We became very very good friends, but there was always something more between us and we both knew it and so did everyone else. We finally started dating a year ago. I could not be more in love, and was too. I became so afraid of losing him that I tried to control him. He is a very independent man. I would try to control him in ways so that he would not be able to find a reason to leave me. We were extremely happy despite my problems. Everyone expected us to get engaged soon and so did i. But my fear consumed me and has turned him bitter towards me. He says he still loves me but if afraid that we cannot be happy. In all reality all of our problems are rooted with my fear of losing him. In me doing this, I think I have lost him. We got in an argument (which was a silly one but his anger towards me because of the way I acted made it escalade) I am afraid I pushed him to the breaking point. I explained my fear and how it is the root of our problems and asked for a change to fix my problems. I know he loves me, he shows me, I see it, I feel it and he tells me. I just was so concerned with not losing him I did not have trust in it. I have asked to have a change to fix myself, he said he is not sure. I am giving him time to think about it. Since my fear has already gotten me to this point, how do I show him (without interfering with his time alone to think) that I will change, and I see my faults and how important he is to me. How can I fix what I have already done. I know he still loves me he is just afraid this characteristic will make us have continuous problems. I feel so helpless and like I have ruined what I have dreamed of since I met him.

    • Hi Lauren,
      Fear is very strong and very real and can cause us to do things we otherwise wouldn’t. While none of us can ever change what is in the past (I think everyone, myself included, has things in their past that they’d like to undo!) we can focus on what is going on now and what lies ahead. What would you like your relationship to be like? Once you really know what that would look like, you can begin taking steps to achieve it. Do you think that he and you would be willing to see a couples counselor? Such counselors (also called marriage and family therapists) can help couples learn how to interact and communicate, and they can help work on the fear of losing someone you love. I hope that your relationship moves forward the way you want it to.

      • Lauren says:

        Thank you for the reply. I do not think he would. Its not become a back and forth emotional battle for me. today, I am angry and do not see why he needs time to think about if he wants the relationship or not.

  37. With something this powerful, it’s normal for emotions to swing back and forth. Pay attention both to his behavior and where your emotions tend to hover more. As you become aware of yourself and of his behavior, things might become more clear. It’s not easy to be where you are, and I wish you strength as you move through this.

  38. Teen J says:

    Im an early teen, I have fears of my future like loosing my mom or loosing my wife, every night I can’t sleep thinking about this i worry deeply. I really don’t know what to do, sometimes that I can’t wake up I get in trouble and it makes me feel worthless like if I am worthless, I can’t stop thinking about this can anyone help?

    • Hello Teen J,
      Jodi is the one who wrote this article, but as she is no longer writing for HealthyPlace, she’s unable to respond to comments. I’m Tanya, one of the current writers of the column. I’m glad you found this topic, and I hope the article as well as other comments will be helpful to you. One very important thing to realize is that you are not worthless. Having difficulties or struggling with something that feels overwhelming has nothing to do with your worth as a person! If that were the case, no one would be worth anything. We all have value, including you, and that value isn’t dependent upon our lives going smoothly. Sometimes it’s helpful to write out your fears. When you see them on paper, you can take a step back from them, and you can start to analyze them and pick them apart. You can list things that could happen other than what you are worried about. Also, it’s sometimes very helpful to talk about your fears with a counselor/therapist. He/she can help you understand your thoughts and work through them. It is possible to overcome anxieties like this.

  39. Allison says:

    Jodi,
    I have been fearing the loss of a loved one for quite some time now. It began when a family I know lost their son suddenly. I began to fear the pain that comes with loosing someone I love. It tends to be one specific person that I fear of loosing the most, and I’ve noticed the person changes as time goes on. Reading your post gave me hope. I have been feeling like I am alone in this fear which has made it worst. I believe God led me to your post. I have been feeling weary in praying for freedom from fear, but your post has given me hope and a want to persevere in my prayer.

    Thank you so much for your wisdom.

    God bless,
    Allison

    • Hello Allison,
      Jodi is no longer writing for HealthyPlace so is unable to respond to comments. I’m sure she would be very happy to know that her post was helpful. She is wise, and what she wrote is true. I’m glad that you know that you are not the only one who feels the way you do. Loss is difficult to deal with. Do persevere!

  40. Joe says:

    When I was nine I met a girl at a mountain resort and we loved each other. A week later she left and we had not exchanged any contact details. 6 years later it still hearts a lot more than most people can emagine physically and mentally. I now have Philophobia- Fear of falling in love or being in love and the fear of losing someone.

  41. Adrianna says:

    Thank you so much for this!! I went searching for how to overcome fear of losing another loved one and ran across your article. I like your perspective and by just by reading it, I already feel that much better and are more at ease. I also appreciate some of the other comments as well. All have helped me Thank you:)

  42. Jerry says:

    It helped me ….I am feeling helped by someone ,thank you soooo much

  43. Caroline says:

    I’m feel my fear of being left is completely rational , my mother was murdered by my father when I was 1 , I was raised by my paternal grandparents whilst my father served 14 years in prison , we visited him in prison regularly until he was released when he then came home to us ,he stayed with us only for a short time until he met a woman and moved out and didn’t then have any contact with me , this was his doing not mine , my gran who raised me then died suddenly when I was 19 , this made my feeling of everyone I love will leave me a lot worse , since then I have feared those closest to me are going to leave one day and I feel I have barriers up and not sure I do love properly

  44. JJ says:

    I started having bad anxiety at age 25, it usually comes about every time there is a big change which isn’t unusual. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years with one break up period of 6 months. During that time I was riddled with anxiety and depression. Two months ago his younger brother died in an accident and since then he does not communicate with me and has pulled away. I understand it I do and I’m just being there for him in any way that I can but when I don’t speak with him for what is sometimes days I am crippled with anxiety and fear that he is going to leave. I love this person very very much but the guessing game is slowly destroying me.

  45. JL says:

    I am 67 and my fear of losing those I love came on when my mother died. Suddenly the next one is me. I have a wonderful husband and a wonderful best friend. I love them both probably too much. I am scared my friend will die – she is a lot older than me, but we are like sisters. When we are all together I am fine, but as soon as we are apart I am scared something will happen to her, or I’m scared something will happen to my husband. It’s not totally irrational as we are all getting older. Most people see me as a confident person, but inside I’m like jelly.

  46. tutai says:

    I lost someone that I love she was every think to me she was my big fat sister and she past away and I am alone and empty and so sad and I go and sometime lock my self in the bedroom and cry I still love her so so so much we will always love you in our life……love from your little sister

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