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Fear of Losing Someone You Love

Fear of losing someone you love is a common fear. (Or something happening to someone you love.) These fears comes from a great love. The fear is love. But once you realize the love, and take action on that, there is no point to the fear. Fear is immobilizing, love is energizing.

Remember, the biological reason for fear is to get us to act, after the action, the fear is pointless. (Worse than pointless, as it hurts you.)Fear of Losing Someone You Love

In this article, I am going to share something that will hopefully change this fear. At first, we fear losing something because everything is impermanent. Everything changes. But there is one thing important we neglect when we fear impermanence. Here it is:

Even Loss is Impermanent

This, too, passes.

Old friends reconnect, forgive. A late mother’s adages are remembered. Memories of connection come to our minds. And many of us believe in an afterlife where we will join our loved ones again.

In this tangled web of life, we are all connected. Our minds, hearts and souls are in sync with the world around us. When we are not connected to that world–when we feel separate–it is often expressed in mental health problems.

Anxiety, anger and depression come from a sense of disconnection. Anxiety makes us afraid of where we are are going; that we could lose something, miss an opportunity, or be inadequate. It makes us fear losing someone we love. We have to think we are separate, or different, to feel this way. Depression makes us feel bereft, isolated, left out, unloved and like we don’t belong anywhere–separate. Anger comes from a sense of injustice that happened to us–it stems from an “us-them” mentality.

All of these are in our mind. We create a world where we are separate and don’t belong, and victimized and then we feel worse and worse. Where, in reality, this makes us blind to the love we do have in our lives, blind to the people who care about us, and blind to our own contributions in life. This is lose-lose.

Take Action. Reduce Fear

There are many ways to take action instead of being immobilized by fear. For example: spend time with the person, tell them you love them, show them you love them, keep them company, offer them help, and thank them. All of these actions will help you feel more connected and lessen the fear.

Fear of Losing Someone You Love

If we remembered that we are connected, our hearts would warm and our grief would ease. When we bring to mind the unbreakable bonds between us and a loved one, as well as the influence those have had on our life, the fear of loving someone you love would decrease.

People are afraid it is too late. It is never too late. Even if someone dies–the relationship–the influence goes on, and so we can do something. As long as the “relationship” is there, we can mold it, and make new meaning around it. (Meaning that includes connection rather than loss. Meaning that includes positive self identity of love and caring.)

This makes all the difference in how we feel: bereft or connected.

Have you been immobilized by the fear of losing someone you love?

By Jodi Lobozzo Aman

I blog here: Heal Now and Forever Be In Peace
and here: Anxiety-Schmanxiety Blog,
share here: Twitter@JodiAmanGoogle+
inspire here: Facebook: Heal Now and Forever Be in Peace,
Get my free E-book: What Is UP In Your DOWN? Being Grateful in 7 Easy Steps.

This entry was posted in Anxiety Causes, Anxiety Treatments, GAD and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

53 Responses to Fear of Losing Someone You Love

  1. Nikky44 says:

    Thank you Jodi for this post. it helps a lot to think that when we are connected to a person, there is no loss. Loss for me was death, but now it is something else. I used to be afraid of the death of a loved one. Since i was a child and until maybe just 10 years ago, I used to visit everyone’s bed at night just to make sure they are breathing.The perception of loss has changed for me.Losing the one I love now became losing “the love” of the ones I love. Death is easier for me to handle as I feel the connection can get even stronger after death because it is not limited by time or subject to any influence. It’s only while reading the post that i realized that change in me. I realized that loss for me had nothing to do with death.

  2. Losing someone’s love is a fear that comes with a sense of unworthiness. You have nothing to be afraid of. The “love” you have lost lately (online “friends”) hasn’t really been love. Those relationships built around anxiety, misery, desperation. The real love is lasting now. See it. :)

  3. Pam E says:

    After 20 years of an unhappy marriage, and a few years of being VERY alone, I fell in love (quite unexpectedly) with the love of my life. We married a few months ago and things are fantastic. But the better they get the worse the panic inside me that something is going to go wrong; one of us will get hurt, get sick, etc. things don’t go smoothly like this for me, I feel like it can’t continue. And the assistance of friends who try to rationalize things doesn’t help, if it was rational it wouldn’t be called panic, right? No matter what I tell myself, to live in the moment, enjoy what I have, that I deserve this and it’s long overdue, I can’t seem to get a handle on it.

    • Pam, It is just the fear running away with your mind. You are right about it being irrational, but sometimes reason can help us talk ourselves out of it. I am sure your fear counters with “It could happen.” Try Tapping (EFT), Google it. It may help. Also face the fear. What if the worst happens, how will you be? Your fear want you to think you’ll go out of your mind, but you probably have had crisis before where you kept your head. Imagine this, use it as an affirmation. Picture yourself calm in a crisis. Think about spiritual questions like why we are here and what happen when we die, knowing this life is temporary, and there is eternity beyond, can be very helpful. These are just off the top of my head. I am available to meet over skype if you ever wanted to. xo Jodi

  4. Jennifer says:

    I love this website, I just found it and it has changed my life greatly. As I am going thru a transition of sorts. The man I love I became jealous of him, and the article that you wrote of Fear vs Love made me realize what I’ve been doing with trying to control him so I wouldn’t loose him. And I am afraid that I have lost him due to my jealousy as you called fear. I’m learnt alot just from reading these posts. I hope I can figure out the rest. Thank you so much for being so insightful. can you tell me any other articles that you have that I may read to assist me in learning about how to control my anger and jealous controlling nature for being in a relationship.

  5. Frank Foster says:

    This post lifted my soul.

    Cheers
    Frank Foster
    Queensland, Australia

  6. Pingback: Two Ways To Keep Calm In The Face Of Tragedy | Anxiety-Schmanxiety Blog

  7. Juliana says:

    Thank you Jodi for the post. I am now able to calm down and release myself from this anxiety! I appreciate it so much.

  8. Dixie says:

    I think sometimes the fear and anxiety may have a basis in reality. Example: last fall I had a persistent foreboding that something bad was going to happen to one of us – i.e. me, my husband, two cats, two dogs. It was a constant anxiety that I thought about nearly every day, and was very unusual for me to experience such a thing. Sure enough, one of the cats became ill, and died. I think I was picking up on subtle behavioural and/or physiological changes in him and didn’t realize it until it became very obvious. Saddest thing is that the anxiety and fear caused by his illness caused me to handle the situation badly.

    • Dear Dixie,
      I might say that the foreboding brought fear so immediately that it seemed to be combined as one. The fear then continued on, causing daily anxiety. Many people have the constant fear and nothing happens to their loved ones. I am so sorry about your sweet kitty. It is such a loss to you and your family.

      It is sometimes tricky to separate intuition from fear and people often worry that their fears are premonitions. This increases the fear. Which becomes it own animal, if you will. Premonitions feel quite different from fear, if you learn how to tell the difference.

      “Based in reality” is relative. By that logic we can be afraid constantly. We know everything must die, (death is “real”). Some assume it is “rational” to fear only when death is imminent, but then again we know it can happen even when we are not expecting it. This can paralyze us with fear ALL the time, and I wonder if this is a way to live. Now, I wonder, why fear death or loss at all? It can be painful to loose a loved one, but why be scared? We fear that we can’t handle it. Or we fear the pain of it. We can allow ourselves to feel the pain and love of loss without the fear attached. I hope this helps.
      Love,
      Jodi

  9. Sukeei says:

    Dear Jodi,

    I don’t know how to express but thing is like that. I married 5 years back and due to some differences my wife and me got separated..Though we remained in periodically contact and sometimes even also met but things have gone out of control..I would like to say that I had during this time always faced loneliness and missed my wife a lot…I totally dipped myself in alcohol but never cheated my wife by having an illicit relationship with any gal..but things went wrong few months back..I started to visit pros. and out of 24 hours most of the time I remained in influence of alcohol or dopes..I lost my job and again I came in contact with my wife…one day I confessed my sins to my wife..she accepted and said just focus and try to be something again so we can live again together..Now, Jodi one thing I would like to say is My wife is now behaving strangely she is not talking with me properly..I m really facing vivid mental stress beyond my capacity..and I don’t want to loose my wife..It has been 5 years since I last met to my wife..Is there any way I can cope with this situation?

  10. Lindsey says:

    this is absolutely amazing….i met my soul mate about a year ago and he is absolutely amazing…things are so good for us that the better they become, the worse my anxiety of losing him gets…if i ever lost him…i would lose myself….yes i believe in God and i am strong in my faith…but how do you continue with your soul missing? I am terrified of losing him and im becoming paranoid :( its painful thinking about it.

  11. Lindsey says:

    its becoming so bad that if he doesn’t answer my calls in a certain amount of time i start panicking….i realize on a grand scale what’s going on…and I’ve tried so hard rationalizing with myself…truly this isn’t me….but I’ve never loved someone with this much power before…..he is my everything…and without him i will no longer have a purpose in life

    • He will be part of your soul whether you are together or not. You see, you were part of each of before you met, and you’ll be together after this lifetime. This is but a blip in your existence together. ‘Loss’ as we think of it isn’t real. The fear is just an anxiety hooking itself into something that you figure is a real thing to be afraid of. It gets you when you’re vulnerable. Treat it as any other fear, it means only the meaning you give it. Right now it’s hard to let go, but if you render it meaningless it’ll go. Hope this makes sense!
      Xo
      Jodi

  12. Sándor says:

    Hello! I am going through a rough period lately. A few weeks ago I started to realise, that time is going on, and we’ll not live forever. My dad is 65, my mom is 55. They don’t show signs of any health issues, but still I’mffeeling concerned about what will happen. In addition, I’m having a wonderful relationship with my dream girl, for almost 1 year and a half. So, please help me get rid of this. I have moments when I’m perfectly fine, but mostly I’m feeling this fear. Many thanks :-)

    • Sandor,
      Sometimes it helps to face this fear of losing people. Knowing that no matter what the relationship lives on, and that people get through unspeakable loss. Then basically take action to get closer, love more, be together so that you feel that connection fully! If you want to take more specifically let me know!
      Love,
      Jodi

  13. Jenneatte says:

    Recently my parent not in a good term and they are separated for a short period. The feel i have right now is it seem like the fear of losing someone i care. Then there is one fortune teller told me my marriage will only lasts for 20 years. I’m really afraid of it. The feel of missing someone and it makes me can’t love someone trully because of the fear. After that, the fear of losing my sister and others that close. It makes me all alone and when the feel conquer my mind andheart my heartbeat increases and my sleeping hour reduce.

    • Jenneatte,

      In this turbulant time, it is common to get anxious about lots of things. It will pass and you get used to things. You can’t tell the future, we have free will and we can do so much to change things, that it is not written in the cards yet. You and your husband can make your relationship what you want. YOu will feel better if you love more, express more, not less. Fear spearating you from those you love will just make you more afraid!

      Love,
      Jodi
      xo

  14. niki says:

    dear jodi am in love with a guy he also loves me very much bt am scared. of loosing him.. he always reasures me that it is not going to happen but am still scared it maybe cause of ex who cheated me and left me without even telling me why? now am scared that my bf is abt to leave me i always have this fears dat he is cheatng on me or leaving me or trying to get rid of me.. bt he says he is not doing that.. i really love this guy and dont want to loose him in amy circumstances and stay happily with him pls help me before its tol late.. i cant take it if he leaves me am gonna collapse pls reply

    • Niki,
      Just relax and feel his love, this is just fear. And the fear will only spearate you. Believe in yourself. It is not a lack of trust in him, but in yourself. Work on trusting yourself. That you can handle everything.
      love,
      Jodi

  15. niki says:

    am scared maybe our relationship is already in the brink of break up or maybe not.. i love him am crazy for him.. i ask him daily whether if he is going to leave me and he is almost fed up by my questions.. he is sweet lovable amazing and takes great care of me but now what should i do i dont wanna loose him pls i dont want him to thiml am insane.and all that. but i care for him really i do.. i di

    • Maybe you can see a counselor. It is not him making you anxious but you. A counselor can help you help each other through this!
      xo
      Jodi

      • VK says:

        Hi Jodi,

        I had a gf and because of family pressures she has started behaving very rudely and arrogantly with me all of a sudden. Previously she used to like each and everything I used to do. I used to care for her, I used to love her and she used to love it, appreciate it. But its been more than 2 months now when she finds my mistakes in everything I do and fights with me forever. I begged of her not to behave in this way, I asked forgiveness from her 100s of times but she is just not ready to listen and the extremity is that she has blocked me from everywhere stating she hates me. I have gone paranoid and I just dont understand what do I do to bring her back in my life. I have gone breathless, I just can’t imagine my life without her and she is least bothered about me. It’s all because of family pressures on her but I am suffering like hell of having a fear of losing her. I will die of this fear and pain I am going through. Please help.

        • VK,
          Does she want to stay together? Why is she still your girlfriend if she has this big of a problem. If she is still with you, I would ask her what is going on? Why the change and what happened. Maybe there is something you don’t know. Broken hearts feel like we can’t get over them, but we can! Sending a hug! You won’t die if you choose to live! <3 Jodi

          • VK says:

            I like the way you replied Jodi but she is no more in relationship with me and we have got separated though not officially but yes she has stopped communicating totally with me wherein we used to be in touch every hour and now its been lot many days we haven’t been in touch. I have lost all hopes in this relationship cz whenever I ping her she gets irritated so I have left her on her own. But the mental pain I am going through is hell. Thanks for your healing reply Jodi, hope it helps.

            Best Rgds,
            VK :)

  16. JO says:

    I came across your post while trying to read up on the loss of my cat and dealing with it. I always have an intense fear of losing a loved one and today it actually happened and it’s just as terrible as I imagined. I am not a religious person so I have trouble believing in the afterlife, soul etc. This loss of my cat has now made me want to stop loving everything b/c what is the point if your just going to feel like this when its gone? I would rather not ever have felt the love than to have felt such a happy feeling as love and then loose part of it and I mean part of it – physical being, touch, speech, LIFE! If the love never existed than you don’t have to deal with the intense pain when its gone.

    • JO,
      I am so sorry about yout kitty! It is common to feel like you want to never love after a heartbreak of loss. This is grief. Let it come, when you get more space you might realize you were better off having your kitty rather than never having her. If the love never exists you would have no joy ever at all. I wish I could give you a big hug and take away all of your pain. I’m so sorry! xo

  17. Sarah says:

    I have both anxiety and depression. Last week my mom had a seizure which has never happend before. I handled the situation well, called 911 and was calm, then this week it hit me. I’ve been crying every night before bed because I think about all the people I love and I don’t want to not be able to talk to them when they’re gone, it’s hard to except the fact that they won’t exist anymore. I know there will be times when they’re gone that ill wish I could just talk to them and that makes me so sad. It brings back the anxieties and fears of when I was a kid I was always scared something would happen to my mom. She’s my best friend and someone I love taking with. I just hurt so badly thinking about it

    • We’d all be going crazy if we thought about losing our loved ones all the time. Most people cope by not thinking about it. After an event like this it is in your face, but with time, it’ll help you appreciate her more (it already is) and you won’t be quite so anxious! I promise. Your response is normal!

  18. Rebecca says:

    This Blog is amazing! I’m coming “off” of what has been extreme anxiety / panic attacks for the last week or so. Ive been in therapy gkr 3 years and doing really well. My mom is a cancer survivor but this year had breasted cancer go to the bone
    . Overall she is doing well but fell ill yo her stomach last week and my body reacted as though it was the end of the world. That fear kicked in and I was catastrophizing every possible outcome. Nothing relieved it. It felt “premonition ” like…
    She went to the Dr. Today and learned she has diverticulitis. Instantly the anxiety subsided. I often feel silly after such a spell.
    I have had my worst fears realized when I lost my first husband to cancer at 25. Then 2 years ago my dad dropped dead. You would think I could rationalize knowing I survived both but my mind and body aren’t rational.
    Lots of great stuff here. Thank you so much for all you do!

  19. reena says:

    I had a painful relationship for 4 years which was filled with tension and nothing else. I loved him and did everything i could. But he didnt realize it the right time. I told my bfrnd that i wanted to end it for which he wasnt ready. He took an extreme step and ended his life. Now my condition is even more worst. Living life coz it has to be lived. Each minute I die thinking of him.

  20. John says:

    I know its unhealthy being worried all the time but its difficult to change. I have constant anxiety and thoughts in my head about losing someone close to me. I have a few days where im ok but then it comes back. It starts by getting anxiety, having “what if” scenerios, thinking about what would i do if this person dies, etc… its depressing living with anxiety.

    • Change, no matter the type, is always difficult. It seems like you have a desire to overcome your worry, which is an important first step. It seems, too, that you recognize that there are distorted thoughts at the root of the worry. This is very perceptive! Have you heard of cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT)? It helps people examine their thought patterns and change the way they think about things. It’s a very effective approach to overcoming many things, including various forms of anxiety and depression. Many counselors and therapists are experts at CBT, and there are also numerous books and articles available about it. Perhaps you might find benefits in exploring this.

  21. zaima says:

    hi ..i am 20 year old…and a few month before .i went to a friends house for vacations and their i saw a sudden death..and after that i m toooo much depressed and like,,i cant tell u how helpless i m feeling all the time…m not getting..what s happening with me..

    • Zaima, witnessing a death is very traumatic, and what you describe is a normal reaction. While I of course I don’t know you and so am not in a position to tell you what is going on, I will say that in general, witnessing a death can lead to post-traumatic stress disorder. Only a professional (a therapist/counselor/doctor) can make this diagnosis, and whether or not they conclude that you are experiencing PTSD, they can help you sort out what is going on. You won’t always feel the way you do. I do encourage you to find help and support.

  22. JOHN/JCS says:

    Thank you for your Good Guidance very much

  23. alice says:

    I was reading comments and im going through the same thing that jennifer did back in feb 27, 2013. I would love to read the blog she was talking about Fear Vs Love but couldnt find it.

    • Hi Alice,
      Jodi is no longer writing the Anxiety-Schmanxeity blog for HealthyPlace, so she is unable to respond to comments. I’m Tanya, one of the new authors of Anxiety-Schmanxiety. I did a little digging, and I was unable to find the Fear Vs Love article. Perhaps someone reading these comments knows the exact article to which you are referring and can provide a link. Sorry I was unable to find it.

  24. nidhi says:

    I have a constant fear that I’ll lose my father
    He is my only parent
    My mom has left me and my dad
    I fear he will die
    I will be alone
    I don’t know why I get these thoughts
    I really cannot lose him

    • Hello nidhi,
      The fear of loss is very real and very scary. It’s also common. You’re not alone. Like Jodi mentioned in her article, it comes from love. It also comes from a sense of loss. I imagine that it was likely very difficult when your mother left (I don’t want to put words in your mouth or to assume that I know what it felt like for you, of course.) While your dad might not just leave you the way your mom did, you fear that he might leave you by dying. Have you talked to him about this fear? It might be helpful for the two of you to talk about your love for each other, the odds of either of you dying soon, and how to focus on love in life rather than fear of death. There are never guarantees in life, but if you process this with him and think of ways to enjoy him and life, you might be able to reduce anxiety and move fear of loss to the background.

  25. Wouter says:

    Hi there,

    my situation is a little bit more difficult. I love someone, but there are 4 reasons why fear demolishes everything.
    1) She loves someone else. She has a boyfriend for over 3 years.
    2) She’s in my class in school, making it so painful to see her every day but not a single moment for just the two of us.
    3) She knows that I love her, but I think she still doesn’t understand how serious my problems are. I’m pretty emotional myself. I get carried away by her beauty, her intelligence, her humor, her compassion,… She cares about others and want them to be happy too. I don’t know what exactly the cause of it is, but I think she started to leave me be. Maybe because I can’t live a day without her. Or she’s just tired of listening to my problems.
    4) The fact that she’s in my class is the hardest. I’m graduating in 3 months. We will all go our separate ways. I love her and my friends too much. I care too much = I lose too much. The fear is too strong and I can’t handle it anymore. Getting more and more the feeling of loneliness.

    • Hello Wouter,
      The increased feeling of loneliness that you describe is quite common as people approach major transitions, such as graduation from school. It can be overwhelming to think of you and your friends going on separate paths. It’s very anxiety provoking, and it can feel like loss. But while your friendships are changing, they aren’t erased. This next stage of life is about further discovering yourself, your interests, your passions, and forming new relationships as you go. And it might be especially painful at first to be away from the girl you feel strongly about, perhaps having a bit of space and distance will make room for you to be yourself. Schools often have counselors who are expert in helping people transition as graduation approaches. Is there a counselor there with whom you could meet to talk about things and plan for ways to both keep your old friends and prepare for new ones? Talking with someone and actively making a plan often helps people feel more in control of their changing lives.

      • Wouter says:

        I don’t think my school has one. Maybe it does, but I don’t know if I want to tell my dilemma to them… That girl and 2 other friends of mine (all in my class) are the only people who know everything of this problem. They were/are there for me and I know it. But still, even if it’s not about losing them forever, I don’t think I can handle it. You could say I got separation phobia. I’m used to see my friends every day in school, etc. But seeing them so often, makes it more painful to be without them. Taking distance is apparently too painful for me. And many people said that there’s a “new life” starting for me after secondary school. I can be someone else, start fresh and make new connections. But who says I want that? I never want to say goodbye to them. Wish this year would go on forever. I don’t want a fresh start, but a life with my current friends close to me.

        • Hi Wouter,
          Separation is often painful, and separation anxiety is real. You don’t have to have a completely fresh start with a blank slate. Even if your current friends aren’t nearby next year, in what ways can you stay in contact with them? Perhaps you could all make a plan or a pact for contact (either through social media, e-mail, texting, or phone calls/skype) at regular times so you know you can count on having some time with them consistently. It’s not the same, but it would continue the connection. Also, think in terms of little things you can do to adjust to the change rather than looking it as one huge picture that is difficult to deal with. Finally, keep cherishing your friendships! While they do change, they won’t suddenly cease to exist. That’s good!

          • Wouter says:

            Mmmh, thank you for the advide. And for caring, even if this is a blog for questions. Thank you.

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