Somehow I managed to get myself back on track. In 1994, we moved back to Colenso. We were always much happier in Colenso. I started teaching Ballroom and Latin American Dancing in Colenso, Ladysmith and Estcourt. The whole family joined in and we had lots of fun. Myles showed a lot of potential. He and his dance partner ended up becoming Junior Champs for the Kwa Zulu Natal region. I even managed to reduce my weight from 74kg - 58kg. Generally, we had 'picked up the pieces' and moved on.
My rollercoaster ride was not finished yet. August 1995 found me back in hospital, having another six shock treatments. I've often wondered to that 'powers that be' WHY, OH WHY? When everything was going so well in my life did this sadness, emptiness and utter despair return time and again to torment me. I often used to wonder what I had done that was so wrong. You have to understand that when I went into these depressions I was never hysterical in any way. It was more of a regression from the world. I did not sleep and I became very quiet and withdrawn. Once again, I came out of hospital, brushed myself off and started all over again.
May 1996, I bought a dog grooming business. Carmen and I ran it and we thoroughly enjoyed the work. We sold the business in November 1998 as Bruce was given a promotion in Pietermaritzburg.
In January 1997, I decided that I would go to the adoption agency and find out if I could eventually meet my daughter. As she was over 21yrs of age, they didn't foresee a problem, provided that she wanted to make contact. This was a dream that I had cherished since the day that I had given birth to her. I knew that someday, somehow I would meet her. Firstly, the agency had to get in touch with her adoptive parents and if they agreed then they would hand everything over to their daughter. In August 1997, on the Friday before Princess Diana died, Adrey contacted me. We agreed to set up a meeting at Durban beachfront for the Sunday. On the Friday night when she phoned me, I couldn't believe that I was actually speaking to this child that I had longed for, for so long. We spoke for an hour and a half. I was ecstatic. The next two nights were the longest nights of my life. When I first laid eyes on her, I couldn't believe how much she looked like David, except she has red hair. When David was young his hair was blonde and my hair is dark brown, hence the red hair.
We both aren't very emotional people but we did have tears in our eyes when we first saw each other. I couldn't grasp the fact that we were actually hugging each other. It was mind-blowing. I can't find the words to describe the feeling I felt. We saw each other fairly regularly over the next year and I even saw her on her birthday! She made it very clear that she loved her parents very much. I was happy that she had found a wonderful home with parents that adored her. It would have been nice if we could have been friends, but I think that was asking too much of the situation. Except for the first meeting, she hadn't told her parents that she was in communication with me, and that we saw each other quite often. Adrey and her boyfriend Wayne even came and spent a weekend with us in Colenso.
Towards the end of 1998, Adrey phoned me to confirm my postal address. I had hoped that I would be invited to the wedding. That was wishful thinking. A few days later, I received a letter in the post from Adrey. She asked me to stop contacting her because it was upsetting her mother. She also asked me to respect her wishes and give her up just as I had done before. As you can imagine I was terribly hurt, but there was nothing I could do about it. I had to let her go, again.
My rollercoaster ride with depression still wasn't finished as I had another big 'breakdown' in August 1998. I received another six shock treatments. I was getting so tired of this up and down all the time. I was tired of feeling miserable and depressed, I'm sure every one else was as well. After another two weeks in hospital and I went home feeling just as miserable as when I went in. I counted all my various tablets and they amounted to 600 in total. It was a Sunday and I planned my suicide for the Tuesday, because Bruce would be at work and the kids would have gone back to school. I intended to take all the tablets. I wouldn't be found alive this time. BUT...........The strangest things happen when you really let go.....................
Later that day, I was lying on my bed. I happened to glance over at the bedside table. There where some little books there that my mother had given me earlier to read. I had taken them just to please her; personally, I had no intention to read them. [The books are called: The Path of Truth] Anyway, the most amazing thing happened: I was particularly drawn to a little book with a yellow flower on it. [Yellow is my favorite color] I picked up the book and just opened it at random. This is the message that was sent to me: 'Are you sad, lonely or afraid? If you are then the one course open to you is to seek out GOD in your soul, for your depression grows only in YOUR acceptance of separation between yourself and HIM.'
The transformation in me was instantaneous. I felt complete calmness in my mind and my body. I believe this is called synchronicity. It changed my whole perspective on life. For the first time in many years, I felt wonderful. The hopelessness that I had been feeling literally vanished. There are miracles, they do take place. We just have to look in the right places. That day was the turning point of my life and I do THANK GOD. God is never too late; he's always right on-time. He certainly proved it that day. He gave me my miracle; he gave me back my life!
After that experience, I read every book that I could find on positive thinking. It changed the way that I thought about life and the Bipolar. It helped me to see that by fighting it I was only making it worse. I learned to accept it and manage it. I know when the signs are setting in and before it can take a great hold of me, I go and see Dr. L, he adjusts my tablets, and everything goes back to normal. I read a passage in one of Dr. Reg Barrett's books. I try and live my life by this rule, well most days anyhow. It goes like this: Imagine if you had a bank account that credited your account each morning with R86, 400.00 that carried over no balance from day to day, allowed you to keep no cash in your account and every evening cancelled whatever part of the amount you had failed to use during the day....What would you do? You would draw out every cent and use it. Well here is a little secret: You do have such a bank account and its' name is TIME; every morning you are credited with 86,400 seconds. Every night it cancels whatever you haven't used to good purpose, it carries over no balances, allows no overdrafts. Each day it opens a new account with you and each night it burns the records of the day. If you failed to use the day's deposit, the loss is yours. There is no going back, no drawing against "Tomorrow'. So draw on this precious fund of seconds and use it wisely in order to get the utmost in health, happiness and success.
- Created: 17 March 2009
- Last Updated: 14 January 2014