A Place to Start Healing - Raging Victimized Parent

Written by Clinton Clark

I can choose to express my needs. I express my needs in a way other than from the role of victim. I don't need to be the raging- victimized parent as a way to get my needs met. I don't need to be the helpless- victimized child as a way to get my needs met. I can choose to be the loving adult as a way to get my needs met. Asking for my needs to met is healthy. Asking for my needs in a compulsive or victim-like way is not.

Sometimes people will have the ability to meet my needs. Sometimes people will not. When my needs aren't being met I empower myself as a loving parent and say, "The things I need here aren't available and that's not easy, it hurts; but I'll be here for you as a loving parent when it hurts." I enable myself to choose to go elsewhere when the needs I have are not being fulfilled. This is the type of loving parenting and action that says to the world, and to myself that, "I have value." I can choose to conduct my life in a way that says to myself, to my children, to my spouse, to my friends, to my parents, and to my other acquaintances, that "I have value."

Defining my needs is the first step in asking for them to be met. I can be patient with myself when my needs aren't clear. I shake around in the dark and abstain from getting my needs met outside of myself until I know what it is that I want. I say, "I don't know what I want," without feeling defective. Not knowing what I need or want is healthy. Scary . . . but healthy.

Non-Fishing for approval

Non-fishing for approval is a direct and clean approach to asking someone for their approval of me. It's cluttered opposite is fishing for approval. Fishing is baiting people into affirming me. I feel my .i.anxiety; level way up when I'm fishing for approval. Fishing is a non-direct way to hide the intended need of asking for someone else's approval. When I stop fishing for approval, I can ask directly. Below are some examples of fishing verses asking directly.

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Situation: Something that I've done myself and want approval for.

Fishing: "I don't think this is very good."

Fishing: "Do you think this is good?"

Direct: "I need to know if you think what I've done is good."

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Situation: Needing support for how I look.

Fishing: "I don't think I look good in this outfit."

Fishing: "Do you like this outfit?"

Direct: "I need to know if you think this outfit looks good on me."

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I don't need to fish for approval. When I need approval, I can choose to decide what approval I want and then ask for it. I can be clear, so the person knows exactly what I'm looking for. When I'm not clear it frustrates me and the person I'm talking to. When I'm not clear, I don't get what I thought I was asking for and the other person doesn't know what it was that I was asking for. Fishing for what I want keeps me in chaos and unfulfilled.

Recognize what "other-oriented" feels like

Other-oriented refers to seeking self definition outside of myself ("other" meaning other than myself or not being self-oriented). My anxiety level is way up when I feel other-oriented. My behavior becomes a guess based on what I "think" others think I should be. I become anxiously focused on what I think others want me to be, instead of being relaxed or comfortable about being who I'd like to be.

Recognize the "addictive pull"

When someone is relating to me in an addictive way, the use of destructive control behaviors discussed earlier will be present. When I am relating to someone else in an addictive way, the use of destructive control behaviors will also be present. It's a tug-of-war game that wears me out and frustrates me. Anger, craziness, playing the victim, and compulsion are almost always a part of these types of interaction.

Addicts use people to affirm themselves. The process of using people in a dependency way for affirmation is also referred to as "being needy." When I feel this "neediness" from an addict, I'll get angry and/ or feel controlled, shamed, or terrorized. The anger, controlled-ness, shame, or terror I feel are cues I can use to help determine when this type of interaction is occurring.

In addition to control, shame, or terror, "destructive control behaviors" are designed to create chaos. A sense of chaos will be present in most types of addictive interactions. By removing myself physically, mentally, or emotionally from an exchange of this type, I trade chaos for serenity . When I find myself in the midst of one of these addictive interactions, I practice one of the lessons I've learned in detachment.

Living in the present

This refers to the concept of present moment living. I cannot re-live the moment I just lived nor live past the moment I am living now. I am who I am at this moment. I'll always be changing. I am as I am at any moment in time. I cannot undo or redo what's been done.