A Place to Start Healing - Addict as a Victim

Written by Clinton Clark

What ever wording the speaker uses, it will always sound like: "I've been victimized by another person's behavior or some situation which is unfair. If only they would change, or it would change, I could lead a happier life. I can't do anything about my life because they (the objects of their addiction) are preventing me from doing so. Can't you see I'm helpless?"

In my own case, when I speak as a victim, it's usually because I don't feel good about myself when I'm in close contact with the one I'm complaining about.

Situation 2 Approval Seeker

The conversation will feel like the speaker is either gathering support for an opinion, thought, or feeling they are having, or the conversation will feel like the speaker is sharing information in order to gain approval without asking for it. The goal of getting my approval will be hidden in the language use; however the pull and the weightiness will be present. They may talk about things like:

How knowledgeable they are.

• Aren't you impressed? *
• Here's how to fix that.
• Let me explain, explain, explain, explain, and explain (out of terror or shame; let me get your approval). *
• I'm sure you're thinking . . . . . . . *
• You're probably thinking . . . . . Right? Right? *
• You probably think this is dumb, stupid, silly, queer, weird, bad, but . . . . . . . . .*

* Hidden: Affirm me, affirm what I say, I need to use you to affirm myself.

Or these examples: The information will feel like a question without being asked in the form of a question. The influx in their voice will make a statement sound like a question.

• "Red is good?" (instead of, "I need to know if you think red is good")
• "People just do things to get attention?" (instead of, "I need to know if you think people do things just to get attention")
• "My dress is ok?" (instead of, "I need to know if you like my dress")
• "I'm sure you're thinking . . . " (instead of, "I need to know if you think . . .")
• "You probably think this is dumb, stupid, silly, queer, weird, bad, but . . . . . . "

However the statement is presented, it will feel like a question. There will be a pull for me to try and respond to a statement that is not a question.

In my own case, when I speak as an approval seeker, It's usually in the form of issuing statements to the listeners for review, without telling them that I'm asking for a review, then waiting to see if anyone affirms the statements I've made. It's a type of "fishing" for approval.

Situation 3 Ain't it Awful

The conversation will feel like the speaker is trying to converse with me in a way that says, "Let's talk about things that are awful." It's a conversation game that requires the participants to engage in relating to each other by sharing stories of calamity and chaos. They will be soliciting my help and support in order to continue the game. The stories of calamity and chaos usually start with phrases like:

• "Did you hear . . . . . . . . . . ?"
• "It said on the news that . . . . . . ."
• "Don't you just hate . . . . . . . . ?"
• "Last week I heard that . . . . . . . ."
• "You know Mr., Ms. _________ is having . . . . . . . ."
• "You did what?. . . oh you'd better think about that.* I heard so- and- so had the same problem and they did . . .

Whichever phrases are used, they will have one thing in common: " The relating of calamity or chaos."

* Hidden:"You'd better not do what you're thinking of doing because I know what's best for you and you're about to screw up."

Situation 4 Chaos for the sake of chaos

The conversation will feel like no matter what I respond with or how I listen, the speaker compulsively engages in soliciting another response from me. It will be like the speaker is engaged in fighting for the sake of fighting with no resolution. It's a set up. The speaker will bait me into responding. And when I respond, they will bait me again into responding. There is no resolution.

They will ask for my opinion only as a way to react to it. The game is to keep the conversation going on in conflict. I'm able to tell when I'm in this type of listening situation because I feel like punching the speaker in the face or run away screaming. I can choose not to create chaos, by choosing not to participate. A conversation designed to create chaos, and discount my feelings, opinions, and thoughts at the same time, is not the kind of conversation I choose to participate in.

In my own case, when I speak to create chaos it is usually in the form of baiting someone into an opinion, then attacking the opinion. It's a way of attacking their belief system after I've suggested to them that I'd like to know what it is they believe.