Inside my mind it is ugly

Here it is another day in this hellish place, working a job with people who hate me, living a life where no one gets me. I love so much but, feel so alone. I was so motivated for so long, lost like 90lbs....then, like a semi truck hitting me out of nowhere and I flipped to being a rotting part of society making excuses, eating to fill the voids of the emptiness inside me, just living my life doing what is expected, smiling on cue, crying in my blanket and screaming at those close to me cause I feel so angry at them, but, for nothing they have done. Does that even make sense? I am so confused. I don't know how to handle how I feel. I know that I make those closest to me crazy but, I can't fix me....I don't know how.