Why College Was Where I Had My Bipolar Breakdown

August 15, 2017 Hannah Blum

I couldn't hide from my mental illness symptoms. Even running away to college didn't stop me from having a bipolar breakdown. Read more.

Not til we are lost, in other words, not til we have lost the world, do we begin to find ourselves and realize where we are. ~ Henry David Thoreau

Mentally Ill and Running Away to College

College was where I had my bipolar breakdown, and recently I have been curious as to why it occurred there. The symptoms of bipolar 2 disorder followed me 18 hours north and over the next two years would slowly intensify and lead to my bipolar breakdown in college.

What was it about college that triggered my bipolar breakdown? I thought that by going to college and changing my environment, I would find my way out of the woods. My friends and housemates were loyal, loving and open-minded. I felt like I could start over, strike out on my own and leave the uncomfortable feelings that were surfacing towards the end of high school there. I was wrong.

College was where I realized that no matter where I went or how far I ran, nothing would change. The self-doubt, the ups and downs, the emotional struggle was not outside of me, it was inside of me. It was where I had to face the reality that I was sick and in need of mental health help. That's when I gave up on fighting it and just let it consume me. College is where I lost hope.

Mental Health on College Campuses

With over 1,000 suicides on college campuses every year, I know I'm not the only one to who thought running away to college would improve my mental health. (I think parents should discuss mental illness and suicide with their kids before they leave for college.) Three years following my breakdown, when I enrolled back into college, I noticed the need for mental health on campus.

In my final year of college, I was asked to share my personal experience living with bipolar 2 disorder to a group of students receiving their Master's degree in Social Work. I remember walking out of the meeting feeling hopeful for the future of mental health. As I walked down the path towards the bus stop, I heard yelling and people running from their classes to the central courtyard. Come to find out only minutes after I had given a speech on mental health; a young student committed suicide by jumping from one of the buildings on campus. This type of tragic incident often occurs on college campuses, and it is my goal in the future to share my experience with others in hopes of creating more awareness of the problem.

APA Reference
Blum, H. (2017, August 15). Why College Was Where I Had My Bipolar Breakdown, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, April 16 from https://www.healthyplace.com/living-with-bipolar-blog/why-college-was-where-i-had-my-bipolar-breakdown

Author: Hannah Blum

Hannah Blum is the HealthyPlace YouTube bipolar disorder vlogger. Check out her I'm Hannah. I Have Bipolar 2 playlist and subscribe to the HealthyPlace YouTube channel. You can also find Hannah on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter.

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Recent Comments

Alex

Bingo! I myself have been disappointed time after time and time and time again, being codependent and trying to find my sense of self worth and validation by “loving “ someone out of their issues. This effectively distracted me from coming to terms with and facing my own. And sometimes trying to love someone out of hurtful behavior, is a actually control, it’s not a type of control that comes from an urge to dominate but a type of control that’s subtle to create emotional indebtedness. A type of control that allows us to avoid facing the fact that in some kind of way we ourselves feel vulnerable. So I think the unconscious premise is something like: “ If we love you really good, then in return you have to treat us well, and if you don’t then you have broken the social contract and we get to moan and complain”. I think when we’re like this we just set ourselves up to consistently get short changed. She may be the best stylist out there, she may be funny, attractive, witty sexy and all that. But the critical question is all that aside can she and would she consistently able to meet my needs? If the answer is no, then you gotta ask yourself is entering a vulnerable state with someone like that really going to bring you what you want and need? Why should I waste the most precious parts of myself that I have giving the most vulnerable and sacred parts of myself away to someone who could never return them in a way that fulfills me more than it hurts me? I think self love means realizing that I can’t love you or be loving towards you at the expense of not being loving to me. And far too often this becomes the outcome for the non-bipolar party. No one is saying they don’t deserve compassion. But who says compassion need be limitless or without contingencies? Sometimes, consciously or unconsciously that’s exactly what is being weaponized against us in these types of situations this conflating of love with with pervasive selflessness. This sort of thing is very attractive to the self consumed. And sometimes the only way these people will ever seek to confront Bipolar Disorder is if a strong set of contingencies are in place, otherwise all that funniness and charm, and charisma, will function as nothing more than the harbinger of heartbreak, worry, woe, betrayal and for all your trouble you might get very little or if anything and return. If they can’t help it, neither can you.

Bipolar Disorder and Ghosting: It's a Big Problem

Alex

Consider letting go. During all this time that has passed you can be sure she hasn’t been spending it alone. For all you know she could be feeding you a bunch of malarkey. It may be true that she is seeing a psychiatrist but don’t take that to mean she is not seeing or dating during your period of separation. Bipolar people have serious impulse control issues, heightened reward sensitivity. Moreover, many of them are manipulative and sometimes even outright deceitful. So unless you can be sure that all she is doing is taking some time to try to treat and heal some of her challenges and nothing more, I think holding on is a mistake. She may come back, and she may not but how long are you willing to stay in limbo? Don’t forget you have a duty to YOURSELF too. Not just to her. I think far too often we confuse self sacrifice as some kind of hallmark of our virtue. It’s not. It’s emotionally infused martyrdom. It’s often a subtle way to feed our own wounded egos and our round about way of attempting to get our own needs met by sacrificing ourselves. But what happens if our “sacrifice” is not rewarded? As a hypothetical would you feel if you found that during your separation she had been out and about and dating and having sex with others, while you’re sitting at home looking at her stuff missing her and pining for her return? What if she never does? Her Bipolar Disorder is her problem to grapple with. All this “love” and “support” talk, might be real or it could also be a sign of a trauma bond, how can you cut these through the fog to tell the difference? Remember, you matter too and that shouldn’t change no matter how much you were into one another at one time, how great the emotional exchanges might have been. Be careful that your sense of well being does not deep into being dependent on what she does or does not do. I encourage you to Google the myth of the Greek Sirens. Sometimes what we hear as an ethereally beautiful and enchanting song, is illusory. And in fact is actually more like a wail of despair, if you’re a rescuer and it sounds like you could be and need to play hero to find a sense of self validation, a damsel in distress can be a real turn on both sexually and emotionally. Their vulnerability can be most alluring, but it would be a shame for you to be lead astray and miss out on all life has to offer you, abandoning the fulfillment of your own needs hoping for this girl’s return. If she doesn’t, then what?

Bipolar Disorder and Ghosting: It's a Big Problem

Alex

The first thing I think you need to understand is that this sort of behavior is common in Bipolar Disorder. You didn’t do anything wrong and her behavior is not a reflection of some deficiency in you. You may have very much loved her. The reality is feelings aside, is that you can’t love someone out of Bipolar Disorder, many have tried and found out as I did, to their disappointment and maybe even dismay is that it just can’t be done. Before they have a shot any “normal” kind of relationship they have to first accept that Bipolar Disorder is genuinely problematic. That takes a lot of courage as denial about the negative impacts of their condition is common. That said, the emotional bond was likely real, but she couldn’t sustain it. It's very likely that you aren’t the first guy she has treated this way and you won’t be the last. Remember, Bipolar Disorder is a life long condition, without some sort of commitment from her to addressing and managing it, all the hurtful push-pull, the cheating, the lies, the sucking you in just to turn around and reject you to playing up to you so hard while at the same time having a whole secret life of fun and excitement without you, and at the same time trying to get you to feel sorry for her while she was out concert hopping, or partying with everyone would have likely continued and for a long time, leaving you feeling seriously in the dumps, lonely and lovelorn. You could waste a lot years denying yourself love, pleasure, joy, happiness, and satiated fulfillment, longing for her. Read the story of the Greek Sirens it may help you understand and release your self from her spell. Also remember that Bipolar Persons suffer from heightened impulsivity, they are usually quite sexually charged, and flirtatious and if they’re good looking with a nice body watch out! They also tend to have drug and or alcohol dependency issues and a lot of shameful secret behaviors including sexual ones. So, as exciting as all that can seem, in the end you might be devastated, she would never be able to offer you, consistency, safety, reciprocity or even clarity. It’s tough though when you don’t really see all of this until AFTER they have wormed their way into your hearts to make the break. But nevertheless, you should still try not for her sake, but for yours, you deserve to have love, and thrills, but hopefully with someone who is able to TRULY and CONSISTENTLY fill your cup. Consider getting into deeper touch with yourself, doing so is not selfish but is critical to you living YOUR best life and if you find someone who can give you at least most of what you need, when that happens you just might very well look back on things and wonder what you ever saw in her I the first place.

Bipolar Disorder and Ghosting: It's a Big Problem

Tom

I’m going through this right now. My ex has cut off all contact.

She has untreated bipolar.

We met middle of October. It was very long distance. She was 3 hours away. We were seeing each other for two months until Dec 18th when she suddenly broke it off. I think she went on a date with another guy the night before. I’m pretty sure that’s why she broke it off.

But I stayed in contact for about three weeks texting a couple of times a day. Asking her to come back.

Then suddenly early in January she agreed to come back to me.

Things were brilliant for about four weeks. She came back saying she was all in, that all she was asking for was honesty and openness. That we communicate with each other about how we are feeling.

Then early in February I noticed a drop off in energy from her.

I kept going….but then she started buying concert tickets with friends/family and not inviting me. She started saying how busy she was and time to meet would be very limited.

On Feb 12 I got it into my head to see if she was on Tinder. So I set up a profile, literally not expecting to find her, and there she was. You can understand how that made me feel.

So I asked her if we were a thing. And she snapped. Attacked me. Told me we’d been through this and that I was being insensitive. She started saying she didn’t think this was for her. Threatening to end it because I asked her if we were boyfriend and girlfriend. She was very nasty to me.

When she said that I showed her the screenshot of her profile. She backed off a little but was very defensive and distant. She never apologised and still hasn’t.

After that she pulled right back. I was supposed to visit her for Valentine’s Day but she broke up with me in a text that day.

She blamed me for the argument. She said it was my fault. She has taken literally no responsibility for any of her words or actions. I was to blame. I was causing pressure and she needed to cut me out.

Since then I’ve tried to talk to her. To reason with her. Tried to reassure her that I’m there but she’s stonewalled me and blocked me on all messengers.

She has been very nasty, hurtful. When we got back together she was warm, affectionate, kind and loving. That person is now gone.

And she is gone. I think there’s a new guy already.

Can anybody explain?

Do you think her untreated bipolar is to blame for the in-out breakup, impulsiveness and instability?

Bipolar Disorder and Ghosting: It's a Big Problem

Mary

I was ghosted after a hypomanic episode by 2 very close friends. It’s extremely damaging and very hard to overcome. I was diagnosed with major depression two years prior so nobody knew I had bipolar. It still hurts many years later. and has made me scared to ever disclose my diagnosis. I always feel like people will reject me for having this illness.

Bipolar Disorder and Ghosting: It's a Big Problem

Why College Was Where I Had My Bipolar Breakdown

Mentally Ill and Running Away to College

Mental Health on College Campuses

Author: Hannah Blum

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