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Laughing ’til It Hurts: The Hidden Pain of Domestic Abuse

Laughing ’til It Hurts: The Hidden Pain of Domestic Abuse

Big ol’ belly laughs that catch you by surprise feel so good! They feel better now that feeling happy doesn’t make me sad. That idea is confusing; laughing until you cry doesn’t usually mean you cry sad tears, but it happened to me a lot during my abusive marriage. Usually, the laughing started during a phone call with my sister. Anything could get us going, and for a few beautiful minutes, nothing mattered except the funny bit between us. I laughed until my sides ached and the tears flowed like water.

But then, when the laughter dried up and I started wiping the tears from my eyes, the tears wouldn’t stop. My face, sore from smiling, suddenly dropped into a frown. I covered my face because I felt embarrassed to feel so…damn…sad. Those last tears fell because when the laughter was done, I returned to my sad, closed-off life of mind-numbing pain. Sometimes I would stay on the phone with her when she asked what was wrong. Usually I cut the conversation short when I felt the change to pain begin.

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Holidays With Abusers Suck – Ways to Deal With Their Crap

Holidays With Abusers Suck – Ways to Deal With Their Crap

Has your co-worker or loved one ever given you a beautiful gift, but then acted

  • offended that you didn’t appreciate it enough,
  • claimed that you were lying about how much you liked it,
  • snatched it back saying you didn’t deserve it at all,
  • or any other action that changed your happiness into some other feeling?

If so, you’ve experienced an abusive incident aimed at destroying your sense of reality. How could your lovely, heart-felt reaction be interpreted in some other way? Did you react to the gift “wrong”? Should you have felt more appreciative, less grateful, less selfish? Suddenly your reality, the truth as you know it, doesn’t make sense. What is going on?

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Abuse is a Scary Word No One Wants to Use

Abuse is a Scary Word No One Wants to Use

When I began my website way back in 2008, I chose the title “Verbal Abuse Journals” because, somehow, the word Verbal seemed to soften up the word Abuse. Back then, to me, “Verbal Abuse” was the name of a band or the type of angering insult one might hear from a stranger on the street. Verbal abuse was almost a joke, a simple case of mama-not-teaching-you-how-to-talk-nice, as far as I was concerned. I felt comfortable using the term verbal abuse to help describe my marriage.  

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Holiday Madness

Holiday Madness

‘Tis the season for increased abuse, ladies and gentlemen. Hold onto your stockings, it could be a wild ride! Many of you could have experienced the beginnings of your holiday “bliss” this past week during the celebration of Thanksgiving, leaving you to wonder exactly what there is to be thankful for when your significant other can’t seem to enjoy a holiday, no matter what amount of thought you put into making it enjoyable for them.

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Help Your Teens “Unlearn” Abuse

Help Your Teens “Unlearn” Abuse

M’s Comment:

…When I say…‘I am uncomfortable with that phrasing,’ … I am fine with explaining ‘That’s how I feel when I hear it’ [to own] my feelings [instead of labeling my children] etc. … But both my sons will then say they’re made uncomfortable by my objection; they have a right to express themselves in this ‘normal’ way and it’s a generational difference, or me being too fussy, … I can’t keep walking away from meals and conversations with my own sons! So usually I reason with them a while and then give up, allow the subject to be changed, and that looks as if I’m sulking or defeated (since they’re reading the conversation in winner/loser terms). ‘Defeated’ confirms that I was wrong in the first place.

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The Truth And Your Abusive Spouse

The Truth And Your Abusive Spouse

The truth. What is the truth when you live in an abuser’s fantasy world? How do you tell the truth to an abusive spouse who does everything they can to deny it?

The nature of control is to deny the possibility of options. When you’re trying to control a person, the name of the game is to deny them the idea that there is an alternate plan of action.

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Not Everything A Verbal Abuser Says Is A Lie

Not Everything A Verbal Abuser Says Is A Lie

Nikky suffers from verbal abuse. Her husband terrorizes her and their children with volatile language and sometimes backs it up with physical violence. She cringes when he goes off and I imagine her sitting in a tiny ball, trying to protect herself as well as she can from the fitful blows that may rain down at any second.

Perhaps a part of her wishes that he would just go ahead and do it. If he hits her and uses up all that hateful energy, then perhaps she could heal in peace. She does not say this, but many other abused women I’ve spoken to do.

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Abused Mother’s Day

Abused Mother’s Day

Happy Mother’s Day to mamas, moms, memes, and mommys everywhere! I hope your day is full of appreciation, love, and peace. You deserve to be treated as a queen, not just today, but every day.

But we all know that’s not how it happens, don’t we? Kids don’t understand our sacrifices, husbands tend to forget and sometimes take advantage of our willingness to wait. Mother’s tend to be instant gratification machines, and all it takes to activate us is the call, “Mo-o-om! Come see!”

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I Want to Tell Her About The Abuse

I Want to Tell Her About The Abuse

It’s not my place to tell her about what abuse she has to look forward to in her new relationship with my ex-abuser. It’s none of my business that, from this distance, I can clearly sense what is happening. If I approached her, she would probably get mad at me.

I’m sure he’s told her what a head-case I am, warned her to limit her contact with me. At the very least, he’s agreed with her perspective on how crazy I must be to have left him, that it takes two to tango, that I have baggage I didn’t work through in all those years we were together.

But if I were to write her a letter, this is how it would go:

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Reacting to Insinuations in the Verbally Abusive Relationship

Reacting to Insinuations in the Verbally Abusive Relationship

His comment came out of the blue as he readied himself for work. “Some people don’t think,” he stated calmly. My mind raced to figure out what he was talking about. If I were in a normal relationship, I would have simply asked, “What do you mean, honey?” But I wasn’t in a normal relationship.

During the few seconds it took me to connect the dots between his statement and what he really meant, he didn’t say another word. He gave me the courtesy of remaining silent as my mind raced to find a way to avoid a fight that evening upon his return.

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