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Overcome the Effects of Abuse

Overcome the Effects of Abuse

How Abuse Effects Its Victims

One of the hardest things to look at during or after an abusive relationship is the mental and emotional damage the abuse caused in us. We remember who we were before the abuse and may feel like a sad shell of that person after it. It is scary and heart-breaking. You may feel more defenseless, helpless and hopeless than before you knew your partner abused you. After all, now you fight your mind as well as the abuse your (ex) partner inflicts.

You will never change your partner. You are already their target for abuse, and once you are the target it is difficult if not impossible to change back into “you” in their eyes. However, you can change yourself. You can change your thoughts, your feelings, and the way your brain is wired. But remember, although “change” is something that can happen to you, if you want to heal from abuse, change must be something you DO.

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Three Important Skills You Need To Cope With Abuse

Three Important Skills You Need To Cope With Abuse

I know how hopeless and helpless you can feel if you live with an abusive person. Abusers suck the joy out of life – or at least they try very hard to make our lives miserable. If you’re stuck living with abuse, I hope you are planning your escape. But sometimes it is close to impossible to leave now, so you’ve got to put up with your abuser’s crap as best as you can. For many abused people, putting up with it feels like saying it is okay for your abuser to treat you that way. Sticking up for yourself backfires, being silent backfires…there seems no way to appease the abuser without compromising who you are.

It is very important that you find a way to maintain your integrity despite the abuse. But because Abuse seeks to destroy your integrity and turn you into a monster like it, the battle just to be you rages daily. Fighting the battle on your abuser’s terms isn’t going to work; besides, acting like them might make you think less of yourself. Think about what behaviors will make you feel good about you.

The idea of coping with abuse is increasing our feelings of empowerment and making our own decisions about how we act, what we think, and how we feel. Everyone wants to feel good about themselves, and you can feel better about yourself even if you live with a life-sucking abuser.

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But I Can’t Leave! There’s No Way Out Of This Abuse.

But I Can’t Leave! There’s No Way Out Of This Abuse.

Some of you are reading this to receive validation that there is no way possible to leave your abusive relationship. If you’re looking for someone else to agree and say, “Why by God, you’re right! You are stuck!” then you are a victim and you are absolutely correct.

Does that help? Do you feel any better hearing me say that your situation is hopeless? There’s no hope – your abuser wins. Go sit over there, sigh, and wait for the next episode of abuse. Feeling better yet?

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The Truth And Your Abusive Spouse

The Truth And Your Abusive Spouse

The truth. What is the truth when you live in an abuser’s fantasy world? How do you tell the truth to an abusive spouse who does everything they can to deny it?

The nature of control is to deny the possibility of options. When you’re trying to control a person, the name of the game is to deny them the idea that there is an alternate plan of action.

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Letter to An Abusive Man

Letter to An Abusive Man

Please, honey, give me this day, free of pain. Please take back your hateful words, hold my tearful face in your hand, and apologize for hurting me so deeply.

I beg of you to hold back your brutish glances under knitted brows and instead, look into my soul shining beneath my tears and see, just one time, that who I am will not hurt you.

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Intimacy in Abusive Relationships

Intimacy in Abusive Relationships

When I think of intimacy, I think of the ability to share personal insights or facts with another person who will keep them between the two of us and hold them gently. Holding my personal fears, joys, mistakes and successes gently is important to me. When my abuser would manipulate the intimate facts of me to control me, I felt he betrayed me just as if he had stood on a rooftop and blurted private facts of me into a bullhorn.

And yet, although my intimacies often came back to bite me in the butt, I kept sharing them with him! Why? Because I thought that sharing brought closeness, appreciation, understanding, and love. I thought I could force him to love me the way I wanted by being completely open and honest.

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Nice Conversations With Abusers Are Not So Nice

Nice Conversations With Abusers Are Not So Nice

Every conversation with your abuser tends to either give hope or take it away. Don't trust the ones that give hope - they're false. Nothing has changed.

The story I want to tell you today happened between my ex and me over two years ago when we were still together. At the time, I knew he was abusing me. I realized that there was little hope that he would change. I didn’t want to leave my marriage, but I was beginning to think there was no real marriage to leave anyway.

Looking back, I remember my internal struggle to find an elusive peace. I longed for a partner who loved me and would work with me through life’s trials and celebrate its joys. I so wanted a normal conversation, a nice conversation without the abusive junk lurking underneath the surface. I was hoping my life away.

If you see yourself in the following story, please think long and hard about whether you want to wait it out to see if your partner decides to change. Remember that the abuser finds great benefit in abusing, otherwise s/he would have changed long ago.

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Definition of Abuse: A Domestic Violence Education

Definition of Abuse: A Domestic Violence Education

What is the definition of abuse? What counts as domestic violence? People search for versions of those questions thousands of times each month. Are there really so many people who do not know any definition for abuse?

I don’t think so. I think victims continue searching for the definition of abuse because they want to believe their loved one does not abuse them. Victims would rather believe that they, in fact, are as crazy as their abusive relationship makes them feel. They want the definition of abuse to be something other than what they read on that last website.

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Talk to Your Teens About Bullying and Dating Violence

Talk to Your Teens About Bullying and Dating Violence

Only 33% of teens who were in an abusive relationship ever told anyone about the abuse.~Liz Claiborne Inc., Conducted by Teenage Research Unlimited, (February 2005).

Two of three teens being abused tell no one about their abuse. They don’t tell parents, mentors, or friends. The victim’s shame and hope that the abuser will “see reason” and either leave them alone (bully) or love them (dating abuse) become barriers to his or her communication with people who want to help.

Although I would like to think my child is the 1 in 3 who report bullying or dating abuse, the odds are stacked against me. So, last night, as I hugged my 15 year old before bed, I asked him if anyone had bullied him at school or online.

Surprisingly, he said, “I don’t know.” And then, more surprisingly, he said, “I don’t know what that would be like.”

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Bullying Goes Viral – Digital Abuse and Teens

Bullying Goes Viral – Digital Abuse and Teens

Teenagers stand on the brink of discovering who they are. It’s a magical time, full of opportunity and promise. Teens have the advantage of constant contact with their peers and adult role models via personal phones and the Internet’s vast array of video chat, picture sharing, social networking, and all the rest. Teens are connected in ways we couldn’t be at their age. Like so many other great possibilities, this connectedness can be both a blessing and a curse.

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