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Our Mental Health Blogs

Feeling Helpless to Stop Suicide

Feeling Helpless to Stop Suicide

One of the horrific aspects of suicide is how helpless other people are to stop someone who truly wants to die. I have said before and I will say again that even one suicide is too many and we all have to work together to end the rash of suicides that affect so many of our youth (among others). But one hard truth that we have to accept is that we are really helpless when it comes to one person’s individual suicide.

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Co-Parenting With An Abuser: How to Help Your Kids, Yourself

Co-Parenting With An Abuser: How to Help Your Kids, Yourself

It seems that the courts would have more sense when it comes to co-parenting with any abuser, but especially a proven-in-a-court-of-law abuser found guilty of domestic violence, child abuse, or any sexual crimes. There is a disconnect between criminal court and family court that endangers our children with the mistaken belief that two parents, of any sort, is preferable to protecting our children from dangerous people.

And yet, many of us find ourselves co-parenting with our abusers.

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Overcome the Effects of Abuse

Overcome the Effects of Abuse

How Abuse Effects Its Victims

One of the hardest things to look at during or after an abusive relationship is the mental and emotional damage the abuse caused in us. We remember who we were before the abuse and may feel like a sad shell of that person after it. It is scary and heart-breaking. You may feel more defenseless, helpless and hopeless than before you knew your partner abused you. After all, now you fight your mind as well as the abuse your (ex) partner inflicts.

You will never change your partner. You are already their target for abuse, and once you are the target it is difficult if not impossible to change back into “you” in their eyes. However, you can change yourself. You can change your thoughts, your feelings, and the way your brain is wired. But remember, although “change” is something that can happen to you, if you want to heal from abuse, change must be something you DO.

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Narcissistic, Sociopathic or Plain Abusive?

Narcissistic, Sociopathic or Plain Abusive?

I struggle with using the words “narcissist” and “sociopath” and the like in my descriptions of abusers. The words get a lot of online attention and would draw in abuse victims trying to solve the mystery of their lover’s nasty behaviors. However, “abusers” do not fall into any specific category in the DSM-IV (the guide psychiatrists use to diagnose mental illnesses). By and large, abusive people are not mentally ill – even though to us normal folks, it sure appears that they are insane.

Due to some of the comments this post received, I want to clarify that I am talking about cases of domestic violence and abuse – two adults who chose to be together initially until one found out the other was abusing them. There is some peace in “diagnosing” your abuser as a sociopath, narcissist, or whatever as a layperson because your research will also show you these people DO NOT CHANGE and IT ISN’T YOUR FAULT they behave the way they do. This helps you to detach from them.

However, if you are a victim of abuse in a domestically violent relationship, then it does no good to wait around out of “loyalty” or “marriage vows” or any other reason if your abuser happens to actually go to a therapist and receive such a diagnosis. You will become disordered if you live with someone with a mental disorder that science has no way to treat or cure.

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Help Your Teens “Unlearn” Abuse

Help Your Teens “Unlearn” Abuse

M’s Comment:

…When I say…‘I am uncomfortable with that phrasing,’ … I am fine with explaining ‘That’s how I feel when I hear it’ [to own] my feelings [instead of labeling my children] etc. … But both my sons will then say they’re made uncomfortable by my objection; they have a right to express themselves in this ‘normal’ way and it’s a generational difference, or me being too fussy, … I can’t keep walking away from meals and conversations with my own sons! So usually I reason with them a while and then give up, allow the subject to be changed, and that looks as if I’m sulking or defeated (since they’re reading the conversation in winner/loser terms). ‘Defeated’ confirms that I was wrong in the first place.

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But I Can’t Leave! There’s No Way Out Of This Abuse.

But I Can’t Leave! There’s No Way Out Of This Abuse.

Some of you are reading this to receive validation that there is no way possible to leave your abusive relationship. If you’re looking for someone else to agree and say, “Why by God, you’re right! You are stuck!” then you are a victim and you are absolutely correct.

Does that help? Do you feel any better hearing me say that your situation is hopeless? There’s no hope – your abuser wins. Go sit over there, sigh, and wait for the next episode of abuse. Feeling better yet?

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You Subconsciously Know You’re An Abuse Victim

You Subconsciously Know You’re An Abuse Victim

Boy oh boy I sometimes tire of thinking about domestic abuse!

  • When I was abused but didn’t know it, abuse came out subconsciously through my artwork.
  • When I was abused and did know it, abuse came out in my writing.
  • Now that I’m no longer abused (or hardly ever since my ex and I rarely speak), abuse comes out through specific AHA! memories from the past.

Granted, now that I’m away from the verbal and emotional abuse barrage of yesterday, the thoughts are not as detrimental to my Self as they once were. At least now, when I have an AHA! moment, it reflects more “what he did” than “how bad of a person I must be”. I am grateful for that.

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Not Everything A Verbal Abuser Says Is A Lie

Not Everything A Verbal Abuser Says Is A Lie

Nikky suffers from verbal abuse. Her husband terrorizes her and their children with volatile language and sometimes backs it up with physical violence. She cringes when he goes off and I imagine her sitting in a tiny ball, trying to protect herself as well as she can from the fitful blows that may rain down at any second.

Perhaps a part of her wishes that he would just go ahead and do it. If he hits her and uses up all that hateful energy, then perhaps she could heal in peace. She does not say this, but many other abused women I’ve spoken to do.

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Abused Mother’s Day

Abused Mother’s Day

Happy Mother’s Day to mamas, moms, memes, and mommys everywhere! I hope your day is full of appreciation, love, and peace. You deserve to be treated as a queen, not just today, but every day.

But we all know that’s not how it happens, don’t we? Kids don’t understand our sacrifices, husbands tend to forget and sometimes take advantage of our willingness to wait. Mother’s tend to be instant gratification machines, and all it takes to activate us is the call, “Mo-o-om! Come see!”

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Letter to An Abusive Man

Letter to An Abusive Man

Please, honey, give me this day, free of pain. Please take back your hateful words, hold my tearful face in your hand, and apologize for hurting me so deeply.

I beg of you to hold back your brutish glances under knitted brows and instead, look into my soul shining beneath my tears and see, just one time, that who I am will not hurt you.

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