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Holidays With Abusers Suck – Ways to Deal With Their Crap

Holidays With Abusers Suck – Ways to Deal With Their Crap

Has your co-worker or loved one ever given you a beautiful gift, but then acted

  • offended that you didn’t appreciate it enough,
  • claimed that you were lying about how much you liked it,
  • snatched it back saying you didn’t deserve it at all,
  • or any other action that changed your happiness into some other feeling?

If so, you’ve experienced an abusive incident aimed at destroying your sense of reality. How could your lovely, heart-felt reaction be interpreted in some other way? Did you react to the gift “wrong”? Should you have felt more appreciative, less grateful, less selfish? Suddenly your reality, the truth as you know it, doesn’t make sense. What is going on?

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Help Your Teens “Unlearn” Abuse

Help Your Teens “Unlearn” Abuse

M’s Comment:

…When I say…‘I am uncomfortable with that phrasing,’ … I am fine with explaining ‘That’s how I feel when I hear it’ [to own] my feelings [instead of labeling my children] etc. … But both my sons will then say they’re made uncomfortable by my objection; they have a right to express themselves in this ‘normal’ way and it’s a generational difference, or me being too fussy, … I can’t keep walking away from meals and conversations with my own sons! So usually I reason with them a while and then give up, allow the subject to be changed, and that looks as if I’m sulking or defeated (since they’re reading the conversation in winner/loser terms). ‘Defeated’ confirms that I was wrong in the first place.

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How Abusers Gain Control By Appearing to Lose It

How Abusers Gain Control By Appearing to Lose It

You, the target of verbal abuse, have one mission in your efforts to end verbal abuse: keep your emotions in check.

Your verbal abuser subscribes to the opposite mission. Your abuser wants you to lose emotional control because when that happens, you’ve lost control of you. When you lose control of you, your abuser snatches control of the conversation and you.

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Early Abuse In My Relationship – A Story of Abuse

Early Abuse In My Relationship – A Story of Abuse

Early in my relationship with my ex-husband, Will, I felt afraid in his presence. I’ve often wondered why I stayed with him in these early days. My boyfriends before him generally treated me well – very well. I’d known no one like Will before. He seemed exciting and different. I think my curiosity got the best of me; by the time I’d figured him out, we were entrenched in the cycle of abuse.

I think this episode I’m sharing today illustrates what was going on in my head during our earliest abusive interactions. As you will read in the story, Will and I firmly attached ourselves together very quickly. This story happens before he asked me to be his girl.

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Not Everything A Verbal Abuser Says Is A Lie

Not Everything A Verbal Abuser Says Is A Lie

Nikky suffers from verbal abuse. Her husband terrorizes her and their children with volatile language and sometimes backs it up with physical violence. She cringes when he goes off and I imagine her sitting in a tiny ball, trying to protect herself as well as she can from the fitful blows that may rain down at any second.

Perhaps a part of her wishes that he would just go ahead and do it. If he hits her and uses up all that hateful energy, then perhaps she could heal in peace. She does not say this, but many other abused women I’ve spoken to do.

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Letter to An Abusive Man

Letter to An Abusive Man

Please, honey, give me this day, free of pain. Please take back your hateful words, hold my tearful face in your hand, and apologize for hurting me so deeply.

I beg of you to hold back your brutish glances under knitted brows and instead, look into my soul shining beneath my tears and see, just one time, that who I am will not hurt you.

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Life After Abuse Video

Life After Abuse Video

Life after abuse surpasses the definition of peaceful. There is no one but me to tell me what to do or how to do it.

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Trust After An Abusive Relationship

Trust After An Abusive Relationship

Trust eludes victims of abuse during their abusive relationship. As much as I wanted to trust my ex-abuser and told others that I could, it wasn’t so. I thought if I was trustworthy and expected to find it in him, then it would magically appear and our relationship would spring to life. Never happened because you cannot ever trust an abuser with your heart.

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Nice Conversations With Abusers Are Not So Nice

Nice Conversations With Abusers Are Not So Nice

The story I want to tell you today happened between my ex and me over two years ago when we were still together. At the time, I knew he was abusing me. I realized that there was little hope that he would change. I didn’t want to leave my marriage, but I was beginning to think there was no real marriage to leave anyway.

Looking back, I remember my internal struggle to find an elusive peace. I longed for a partner who loved me and would work with me through life’s trials and celebrate its joys. I so wanted a normal conversation, a nice conversation without the abusive junk lurking underneath the surface. I was hoping my life away.

If you see yourself in the following story, please think long and hard about whether you want to wait it out to see if your partner decides to change. Remember that the abuser finds great benefit in abusing, otherwise s/he would have changed long ago.

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I Want to Tell Her About The Abuse

I Want to Tell Her About The Abuse

It’s not my place to tell her about what abuse she has to look forward to in her new relationship with my ex-abuser. It’s none of my business that, from this distance, I can clearly sense what is happening. If I approached her, she would probably get mad at me.

I’m sure he’s told her what a head-case I am, warned her to limit her contact with me. At the very least, he’s agreed with her perspective on how crazy I must be to have left him, that it takes two to tango, that I have baggage I didn’t work through in all those years we were together.

But if I were to write her a letter, this is how it would go:

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