• advertisement

Our Mental Health Blogs

The Routine Makes It Easier to Stay in Abusive Relationships

The Routine Makes It Easier to Stay in Abusive Relationships

The cycle of violence and abuse typically consists of three phases: tension-building, abuse, and honeymoon. The first two phases describe themselves and the honeymoon phase occurs after the abuse and gives the abuser a chance to beg the victim’s forgiveness or otherwise convince the victim to stay. Over time, the tension-building and honeymoon phases tends to shorten or disappear, leaving us to wonder why abusive relationships can last so long. This routine makes staying in an abusive relationship manageable; both victim and abuser come to accept this routine as normal.

Continue reading

The Cycle of Violence Doesn’t Tell the Whole Story

The Cycle of Violence Doesn’t Tell the Whole Story

We tend to speak of the cycle of violence and abuse as if it were a constantly turbulent system, but we rarely discuss the routine that soothes the volatile system into manageability. The wheel of violence and abuse shows the cycle concisely, but perhaps too narrowly. The wheel shows the cycle as a rolling circle of abuse, honeymoon, tension-building, abuse, honeymoon, tension-building, abuse — visually repeated infinite times with arrows circling around the wheel until we say to ourselves, “I get it! It’s so simple.” Then we feel shocked that victims of abuse exist because the wheel makes the process of abuse so transparent. Despite its powerful (and necessary) message, the wheel simply cannot tell the whole story.

Continue reading

Abusive Relationships: Devil You Know vs. The Devil You Don’t

Abusive Relationships: Devil You Know vs. The Devil You Don’t

In abusive relationships, the devil you know seems better than the devil you don’t. We go back and forth over leaving our abusive mate, wobbling between fear of them and fear of the unknown. It’s a tricky balancing act, especially when our partner seems to know just when to put on their nice mask. The sweet phases of an abusive relationship add to the confusion and indecision about just what kind of devil we know.

What kind of devil can be so sweet one minute and so nasty the next? And why can they act kind for long stretches and then turn back into monsters over meaningless situations or words? Why do they hurt us? Why do we stay? Will this relationship hurt the children? Can this relationship last? Should I stay to see if it gets better? Should I run and not look back?

Unfortunately, I am incapable of giving you those answers. And honestly, the longer you take contemplating what those answers could be, the longer you’ll be stuck with the devil you know.

Continue reading

Top 10 Most Engaging Verbal Abuse in Relationships Blog Posts

Top 10 Most Engaging Verbal Abuse in Relationships Blog Posts

Last year, I did a top ten list of the most viewed Verbal Abuse in Relationships blog posts, so I thought I’d do something different this time. The posts on this list earned the largest percentage of comments per times viewed. If you missed them, perhaps you want to add your two cents. Readers tell me all the time they get as much from the comments as they get from the post, so share your experience so we can ALL benefit!

Many of these posts do not have many comments, but don’t let that deter you. This post isn’t about the largest number of comments. It is about the most comments per times viewed, or the most engagement from readers based on number of views.

Happy New Year and may 2014 be the beginning of something GREAT in your life!

Continue reading

Isolation After Domestic Abuse: How to Overcome The Habit

Isolation After Domestic Abuse: How to Overcome The Habit

A domestic abuse survivor writes:

I was in an trapped in abusive relationship for 9 years, been out of it for 4 years, and I have remarried. I’ve come to the realization that I feel residual effects of abuse on my ability to make friends. Isolation was part of the abuse. I notice this problem more when my husband wants to go out with friends …[and] I get very jealous of his sense of independence. I see it as something I still don’t have. It puts a strain on my marriage because of the jealousy that comes about.

Continue reading

Recovery From Domestic Abuse

Recovery From Domestic Abuse

I miss sharing my personal life with you all. HealthyPlace gives me a fantastic opportunity to educate about verbal abuse and domestic violence, but because I no longer suffer under those oppressions, I find it difficult to “go there” on this blog.

During my recovery from domestic violence and abuse, there have been many ups and downs. Life can be quite confusing when you use your OWN inner compass instead of relying on someone else to tell you what to do! So, in this post, I’d like to share some of the revelations and problems I’ve encountered since leaving my abusive husband.

Continue reading

Am I Imagining The Abuse in My Relationship?

Am I Imagining The Abuse in My Relationship?

Is The Abuse In My Head?

So often, people ask me the question “is this abuse just in my head or is there a problem with my marriage?” Sure, sometimes things are just in our heads. Psychotic minds “see” bugs climbing out of walls where there are none (at least, no bugs that we non-psychotics can see), and the experience is as real to them as NOT seeing bugs is to us.

I suppose you could be imagining problems where there are none; you could be imagining abuse. But if you have no psychosis and, for example, do not see bugs climbing out of the walls, and outside of your relationship your judgments seem pretty sane, then I really doubt you are imagining the abuse.

Continue reading

Psalm 27 and Domestic Abuse

Psalm 27 and Domestic Abuse

Recently I had the opportunity to converse with a woman, Cathy, who lives with an abusive man. She didn’t know exactly where to start her story, but I noticed that “psalm27” was part of her email address.

I am familiar with the prayer because it gave me comfort during my days of living with an abusive man. Initially, Psalm 27 seemed to tell me to stay on track, that God sent trials my way for a reason. I came to understand it differently, and I’d like to share with you the email I sent to Cathy (with her permission of course, and with a few edits for clarity).

I don’t usually delve into religion or my lack of religion on this blog. I do not pretend to be a biblical scholar. However, God (by whatever name) and I are tight. I listen to The Voice – but sometimes my human mind doesn’t want to hear the real message at first.

Continue reading

Can Love Make The Abuser Stop Abusing?

Can Love Make The Abuser Stop Abusing?

  • “But I love her (so I stay).”
  • “He had a horrible childhood (so I stay).”
  • “She never learned how to love (so I stay).”
  • “I want to show her that someone in her effing life cares (so I stay).”
  • “He is really sick and has no one else but me (so I stay).”

Can You Love The Pain Out of an Abuser?

Victims of abuse stay in the abusive relationship for many reasons, and many of the reasons relate to love and/or empathy for the abuser.

Continue reading

Top 3 Things I Know That An Abuse Victim Does Not

Top 3 Things I Know That An Abuse Victim Does Not

First I need to clarify something. There are no abuse victims reading this post. I know that because if you are an abuse victim, you’re online researching troubled relationships and self-help information aimed at fixing a frazzled marriage. You certainly are not searching for information about any “abuse victim”. In my mind, abuse victims do not know they are abuse victims. Abuse victims are either in severe denial or truly do not recognize the abuse as abuse.

If you know and admit that you’re in an abusive relationship, then you are no longer a victim. You are a survivor of domestic abuse. Only survivors read this blog, pure and simple. That said, you may wonder why I am writing an article for an abuse victim who will never read it. Because I want to remind you, the survivor, just how far you’ve come in your efforts to end abuse in your life.

Continue reading


Follow Us

Subscribe to Blog

  • advertisement

in Verbal Abuse in Relationships Comments

Mental Health Newsletter

Sign up for the HealthyPlace mental health newsletter for latest news, articles, events.

Mental Health
Newsletter Subscribe Now!

Mental Health Newsletter

Sign up for the HealthyPlace mental health newsletter for latest news, articles, events.

Log in

Login to your account

Username *
Password *
Remember Me