Surviving A Family Member's Mental Illness - Cildren Who Have Parents with a Mental Illness

Written by HealthyPlace.com Staff Writer

Natalie: I think that's a very important point you make and hopefully parents in the audience tonight will remember that children feel a very heavy burden and responsibility for trying to "make their parents happy." As you said, your very happiness was tied into that.

What was your mom's experience with the mental health system? Was she getting the treatment she needed? Did it improve over the years? How is she today?

Tina Kotulski: My mother didn't get involved with the mental health system until I had moved out. No, she wasn't getting the treatment she needed because it was so inconsistent from county-to-county. Today is a different story. She is involved with the mental health system, but on a very limited basis. And for now, she is doing very well.

Natalie: How do you view your mother today?

Tina Kotulski: She's a wonderful grandparent. She's self-sufficient provided she is in an environment that she can thrive in. She can't live on her own, but she has her own space in our home. We take one day at a time.

Natalie: There are a lot of people in the audience tonight who face similar situations in dealing with a family member who has a mental illness. What suggestions do you have regarding caring for a family member? And what about taking care of yourself?

Tina Kotulski: Always care for yourself first. Stress can lead to poor health. So take time for yourself and try to enjoy the small things.

Natalie: And finally, your suggestions when there's a child in the home? Are there any special considerations that need to be taken into account?

Tina Kotulski: Keep all medications out of children's reach. And remember that children sometimes are placed in vulnerable situations as a result of a parent's mental illness. Therefore, looking after the needs of children is incredibly important, even outside of the parent who has a mental illness.

Natalie: Tina, here's the first audience question:

akamkin: I am a young woman who was diagnosed with bipolar at the age of 24. I have always struggled with the idea of having children and passing my bad genes along. If you had bipolar yourself would you have your own children after what you went through?

Tina Kotulski: I believe I would be selling myself short if I gave into the notion that I would pass the illness onto my children. Having diabetes, heart disease or other medical conditions doesn't stop others from having children. Having a child, no matter what your condition, is the best part of you. Only you can take that away from yourself.

Robin45: Do you think this book would be good for a parent caring for an adult child with schizoaffective disorder, in other words visa versa?

Tina Kotulski: Absolutely. Saving Millie is about making changes within our system. I use my story to launch changes we all need to see...and are ready to see occur.

ladydairhean: I believe that my mother has severe schizophrenia. The problem I have is that I can't tell how much of her behavior is caused by the illness and how much of it is an act for attention because she's smart enough to know what she's doing.

Tina Kotulski: One of my mother's abilities as a young mother (I know better now) was that she could be very manipulative. She would play the battered woman. "Whoa is me." As a child I fell into that trap and it backfired for me. Now as an adult, I have boundaries that she must abide to in order to remain in our home. I will not let her talk that way in front of me or my children. You have to make boundaries for yourself.

kitkat: You mentioned that children's needs are often ignored. This effects self-esteem sometimes into adulthood. What precautions do you or other people who interact with these children or adult children need to take when they open up about their lives?

Tina Kotulski: I am not a mental health provider. What I am is an adult child with a parent who has a mental illness. And when I train mental health providers, or go on speaking engagements, I always say "let us have our feelings validated." We are entitled to feel every emotion you can think of. Not only do many of us not realize we lost our childhood until we are adults, but we lack the trust essential to believe we are special to other people. Our common experiences make us special. We need our own voice. That is why I started Extraordinary Voices Press.

lindabe: Have you had the experience of therapists telling you you are codependent because you are so involved in your mother's survival? If so, how do you feel about that? I have had that experience and I didn't feel that the therapist knew what it's like.

Tina Kotulski: Yes, I have had a mental health professionals tell me that and act as if I know not what is in my mother's best interest. In fact, recently that happened. I said my mother has high liver enzymes. I was told, no, she has the flu. Sure enough, my mother's liver enzymes were in the 800 range. That is toxic. She is better now.

dwm: Having grown up with a mother who had undiagnosed mental illness, I wholeheartedly enjoyed your book, Tina. My mother now has a diagnosis but is still not receiving treatment (frankly, I think she never will). For those of us who are caring for a mentally ill parent and cannot, for whatever reason, go the route of the mental healthcare system, have you personally found any help for your mother using alternative methods (alternative/complimentary health)? If so, what have you found the most effective route?

Tina Kotulski: Because my mother lives with me, I can monitor the amount of sugar she consumes. She loves sugar and it leads to health problems which leads to more medications. Also, she is on a treatment plan that Dr. Abram Hoffer wrote about in his many books, one in particular, Healing Schizophrenia by natural nutrition. He has years of research to back his treatment. I suggest you read some of his work. It's phenomenal. Also, my mother is on a low dose of an anti-psychotic, but nothing like she was before she moved in with us two years ago. You can find out more on the resource page of www.extraordinaryvoices.com.

Natalie: Our time is up tonight. Thank you, Tina, for being our guest, for sharing your personal story, providing some excellent information and for answering audience questions. We appreciate you being here.

Tina Kotulski: Thank you all for listening and asking such wonderful questions.

Natalie: I encourage everyone to sign up for our newsletter. It's free and we'll notify you of events happening on the HealthyPlace.com website.

Thank you everybody for coming. I hope you found the chat interesting and helpful.

Good night everyone.

Disclaimer: We are not recommending or endorsing any of the suggestions of our guest. In fact, we strongly encourage you to talk over any therapies, remedies or suggestions with your doctor BEFORE you implement them or make any changes in your treatment.

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