HealthyPlace Mental Health TV Show Blog

'I can't believe I tripped like that.' - Carl Allen, character in Yes, Man

A friend recommended that I watch Yes, Man last night, and I'm so very glad I did!  So I had to work in a quote from that movie.  I smiled and laughed a lot during that movie.  That is definitely my type of humor!  The Men Who Stare at Goats ought to be another good one!  I like silly.  I like looking at male eye candy, too.  Since George Clooney is in it, it's a blend of both.  Perfect!

Anyway, looking back at the events with my teen daughter, 'I can't believe I tripped like that,' is how I feel at the moment.  I succumbed to the pressure of my best friend, S.,  to make a big deal of my daughter's situation.  Now that I'm mostly coherent after the effects of cold meds have dwindled, I can see that the reaction really didn't really match the situation. 

'I saw that going differently in my mind.' - Hitchins, character from Hitch

S. was more upset that my daughter, K.,  blew off an appointment to help her with a project.  That irresponsibility, and miscommunication, is really what we're dealing with.  S. insists that it's a huge thing, that K. is walking all over me, and that she's out of control.  The fact is that K. is 17, and testing her limits.  That's what teens do.  It's not justification, it's a fact.  And it has to be handled appropriately, not with me jumping off the deep end with anger and making a bad situation worse. 

Many folks around town tell me that K. is a wonderful girl.  She is very mature.  She needs to make mistakes to learn.  We all do.  I'm not going to blow this up into a huge ordeal.  I'm going to sit down and talk to her about what's expected and the consequences if those expectations aren't met.  Her bahavior can't be changed in a night, and I have to work on my own consistency.  I accept that I have contributed as a poor, behavioral role model with my BPD.  I have not been consistent in my parental approach, or responsibilities.  Now that I'm functioning much better, I'm working on being accountable for my actions, or inactions.  We are neither all bad nor all good.  With a few exceptions, we are many shades in between.  It's the consistent instilling of good habits that, in part, help give us more leverage to really live.

Ace Ventura, the movie, comes to mind where he demonstrates talking out of his rear

When people who are not parents try to give advice about parenting, it's like a train wreck waiting to happen.  S. has no children.  S. doesn't fully realize that if a parent is too strict, backlash happens.  If the child doesn't feel like they are getting the basic need of love at home, they will find it elsewhere.  That's where many problems happen.  I know.  I took that route.  My parents were strict.  My mom was 36 when she bore me, and my dad, 44.  Given that they were born in the 20s and 30s, there was a HUGE generational gap.  They were too strict and abusive.  When I was thrown out of the house at 17, I went wild looking for the love they withheld from me, and in all the wrong people.  I ended up finding more abuse and unhealthy outcomes.  Looking back, I can't believe the risky lifestyle I led.  I will not put K. in that position.

When friends go into hypercritical mode....

S. mentioned several times, 'I caught you in two lies.' One of them is the fact that I started smoking again before getting hospitalized as a very poor way of coping with rapid cycling.  I'd given up smokin for almost two years until the summer from hell happened.  She was very disturbed about it.  She said that when I started again, it was supposed to be one cigarette once in a while.  She thinks I was lying when I said, 'Yes, just once in a while.'  She has no idea about addictions.  Oy.  I love her so much, but she can be so unrealistic. 

She says about my smoking, 'You're stronger than that.'  I told her that realistically I can't try to stabilize and deal with nicotine withdrawal.  Nicotine screws with the serotonin levels, while BPD screws with the dopamine and norepinephrine chemicals in our brains.  My neurotransmitters would be so out of alignment if I tried both simultaneously, I'm not sure if even I could live with myself!

She means well, but when it comes to certain issues, what comes out of her mouth makes me want to almost find a new addiction....

I've learned in life that when people are overly something, it's an internal conflict that they're dealing with.  I'm working on mine.  I've got BPD and goals that I'm working on to improve my life.  And knowing is more than half the battle.  In S.'s case, she seems to project feelings that perhaps have to do with something else.  She's not directly facing an issue, and it's squishing out all over the place, getting messy.  It's building up in her. 

She needs a healthy outlet, and I need to learn how to diffuse the situation without getting hurt, or hurting her.  I found a great 'How to deal with a friend who criticizes everything you do,' article on EHow.com.   It sounds reasonable.  I'm going to try it out.  It's like the sandwich method.  You say the good stuff first, 'I value your opinion...,' then the more difficult stuff, 'When you cross the line, it's hurtful because you're ignoring my needs...,' and then more good stuff, 'You have a lot of stress right now, and maybe you don't recognize how critical your words are.'  I'm going to ask her, per the article's suggestion, to try one day to pay attention to all the negative things she says, and to replace them with positive thoughts.  After all, our friendship started on a positive note.  If she values our friendship, she'll agree to at least part of my request (quality relationships and setting realistic expectations; coping skills).

I noticed S. gets hypercritical as well when she feels like her back is against the wall.  It's amazing what things can be seen when there's more clarity.  I'm so happy I got treatment for BPD.  The difference between before and after hospitalization has been astounding. 

Besides bringing out the scorecard of perceived past lies, S. started criticizing the character of K.'s boyfriend's mother, C.  C. is a nurse, and has several children from different men.  From what I've known of C., she is family oriented and makes sure her children are taken care of.  I respect that she takes her responsibilities seriously, and works full time on top of it.  C. has also had my son over to play with her son, and has fed him dinner more than once.  I really have no problem with her.

S. surprised me by bringing gossip into the equation.  S. works at a facility that C. used to work at.  S. started repeating to me the gossip about C.  That is disappointing to me.  I don't believe any good comes from gossip.  What was ultra surprising what that S. said to me that C. was trashy for having kids with different men.  Uhhh.  HELLO!  I have two children from two different men.  What does that make me in her sight?  Wow. 

We all make mistakes.  Sometimes those mistakes fall short of what others' opinions are of ethical or moral standards.  They suck when we make them.  Sometimes we have to go through a lot of humiliation (especially if you're from a small town like me where everyone seems to know everyone else's business).  But, the flip side is that we learn from them.  I'm not going to judge a person by their mistakes.  Oh, I've made plenty of those.  I don't think a person gains wisdom by playing it safe and never falling down.  In fact, I'd be very sympathetic to someone who goes through life with barely a hiccup and falls.  Their trauma would really be dramatic.  If people show consistent grounding and trustworthiness, they're alright by me.

'You can't always get what you want.  But if you find some time, you just might find, you get what you need.' - Rolling Stones

S. insists that K. needs severe punishment.  I decided that she's blowing up the situation because she felt some sense of injustice.  The fact that she keeps a scorecard and gets hypercritical when she feels personally slighted makes me wonder what issues she has going on.  Right now I'm not going to approach her about them.  I need time and space.  I'm still on the road to recovery from BPD symptoms that led me to hospitilization.

S. will probably be upset when she hears that I'm not going to treat the situation like she feels.  She'll get over it.  She's rational.  This is a good time to work on establishing boundaries (coping skill).  At her insistance I spoke about the issue when I had said that I wasn't up to it (still under the weather from a cold and flu, and the cold meds didn't help with clarity).  Being a nursing student she really should have recognized that I am needing recovery space, and shouldn't have pushed.  The situation wasn't critical.  The boundary she continues to cross is to broach a subject when I clearly say, 'No.  I'm not up to it right now.' 

It's not going to be easy because she has been such a huge help to me.  S. has stood behind me through good and bad times.  I trust her with my life.  But she has to learn that when there are boundaries articulated, she has to abide by them as well, or I will not hang out with her until she will.  Time to be assertive (coping skill).  She told me before I got hospitalized that she wouldn't be around me until I got help.  Now it's time for her to understand that I can't be around her if she insists on overstepping the boundaries. 

Ending it now.  Time management goal kicking in.  Will follow up tomorrow, or later in the week about the relationship trials outcomes.  Also will find time to finish the before and after posting, since some of it got chopped due to me forgetting to save it and my computer mysteriously shutting down.