HealthyPlace Mental Health TV Show Blog

I've been busy with the new school term starting and my children's activities.  I swear all I did yesterday was taxi them back and forth.  That makes me nervous because it really ate away at my homework time.    I am glad, though, that my children are doing things that they enjoy.

That's where I have to really work on coping skills.  My patience tends to get thin.  I accidentally yelled, 'Oh, hell no!' at a woman who called just to confirm my dental appointment.  I had the wrong time fixed in my mind.  I immediately apologized, but, damn, talk about needing to be patient.  Also, I was tired at the time, taking a nap.  I get shorter with people when I'm tired.  I really have to keep my sleeping schedule as structured as possible.  Plus, I hardly get anything done when I'm sleepy and lethargic most of the day.

It makes me wonder if I'm trying to sabotage myself.  I was doing well in terms of keeping a regular sleeping schedule, and then I started straying off of it.  I felt so much better when I went to bed and woke up at the same time.  Why would I want to mess it up?  I felt so much better when my days were more productive, after I'd gotten up refreshed.  Hmmmmm.  Maybe I'll take that question to the therapist.

I'm pumped up to jump back into college classes.  After all, it's another go at it again after getting treatment.  I flat out failed the first classes when my mood was all over the place.  One day I'd be ready to hit the ball out of the park.  The next, I just wanted to melt into the bleachers. 

Besides the fact that I want to nail these classes and move on is not only to get my needed education and a good job, but to measure how well I'm able to function.  At least that's what my psychiatrist said.  How well I do up until the point I go to another session will help him to determine functionality.  No stress, or anything.  LOL.

All in all, though, I still notice that I'm much better at being able to handle more stressful situations as they arise.  Working on coping skills has been a huge part of it.  If I continue in this direction, I can really be an asset to others in terms of modeling good behavior, and making a positive impact in my own way in this world.  BP will always be part of my makeup, but I will always have choice.  I'm happy to step up to the plate and be accountable now that I'm stable.

And, from what I've seen, there are so called mentally healthy people who make poor choices.  It's not just restricted to unmanaged mental illnesses.  Why should I feel different for having something beyond my control in terms of genes? 

Anyway, I need to nap and to get back into study mode.  Still trying to listen to my body.  I think a little meditation is in order to quiet my mind.

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 'My name is Inigo Montoya.  You killed my father.  Prepare to die.' - Inigo character from 'Princess Bride'

I love Inigo's battle cry as he has to work up the will to overcome pain and defeat to finish his goal to avenge his father's death.  Plus, the movie makes me laugh a lot.   I decided to just watch a bunch of funny movies all day.  Maybe my mind needed to be overwhelmed with funny as a way to balance out from the overwhelming life experiences of sadness, especially leading to my hospitalization.

It's been about about a month and a week since I was discharged from the acute treatment center.  The change has been extraordinary in me.  My loved ones have noticed a vast improvement, as has my best friend.  But, it really is fast.  Some days I don't know if I'm all the way stabilized, or even what that feels like.  I don't even know what the signs of 'complete stabilization from BPD symptoms' would be like, or even if such classification exists. 

I do know that I try to listen more to my intuition now.  And when my intuition says 'immerse yourself in goofy movies,' I'm going to listen to it.  After all, laughter heals.  Perhaps that's what my mind is on about today, healing.

Everyone around me is doing well, including me.  What a great thought to end the day.

I'm thankful for...

1. Time to be able to indulge in comedy viewing.

2. My children's presense in my life.

3. The snow we just go today (brrrr) so I won't take the good weather for granted.

4. My best friend, and her cheeriness, despite some of the drudgery of her work.

5. The ability to choose positive thoughts.

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 'As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being.' - late psychologist Carl G. Jung 

It's a good day today.  I've been working on the spiritual aspect of my stabilization.  Looking at the 'light' of spirituality is a lot better than focusing on the darkness of my condition.  I won't deny darkness doesn't exist, as does it in all human beings to some degree.  But I won't give so much attention to it that it becomes bigger than what it really is in my mind.  I like this realistic approach.  It feels right.

PERSPECTIVE is so important, whether I have BPD or not!  I think one of the things that has helped me hang on during the very, very difficult times of BP depression is the fact that I believe in the power of potential.  All the MRIs, PET scans, and other measuring tools can not measure the power of potential. 

'..and I'll do what it takes, follow through with the promise I've made.  Put it all on the line, what I hope for at last would be mine.  If I can reach higher just for one moment touch the sky, for that one one moment in my life.  I wanna be stronger. Know that I've tried my very best, put my spirit to the test.  If I could reach.' Gloria Estafan's song,'Reach'

I refuse to let the IDEA that BPD can rob me of any of the potential that I have!  I know that I can still make a difference in this world, to someone, or lots of folks because I feel that there is still so much love that I have to give.  I refuse to be its victim.  It's simply an illness.  It needs special attention just like any other illness.  The more research I've done on BPD, the more I realize it's more genetically and biologically based.  The emotional guage malfunctions at some point.  What actually triggers the BPD manifestations might remain a mystery to science, but I sure know that stress did it to me.  It's better said that UNMANAGED stress was a big trigger.  We all have stress in our lives, it's how we deal (or don't deal with it) that makes it problematic. 

I didn't stick by my own values.  I allowed my mother to dictate to them and my children.  Hers were strict and unrelentless to one, and relaxed and forgiving for another.  I let her inconsistency more often than not govern my life and the life of my children (with the lame excuse that it was for the children's benefit to see their grandmother).  Again, I wasn't living with her and she still turned my life upsidedown.  There was a time many years ago that I decided to stop talking to her, communicating with her at all.  She called, sobbing, begging for me not to keep her grandchildren from her.  I should have not renigged on my decision.  Or I could have allowed her to see my kids on condition, or could have explored problem solving options so that the kids wouldn't have been totally without their grandmother and still not be poisoned against me by her.  My intuition at the time told me to cut her out of the picture, at least for a while.  I didn't listen to it.  I paid the consequences.

'Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakens.' - Carl Jung

 After assessing all that could have contributed to enormous amounts of stress in my life, I can say they come down to POOR CHOICES.  I decided to not deal with emotions when they arose, burying them until some time when I could better deal with them.  There was never a good time to deal with them because I was too afraid to let them go.  I decided to be afraid because I didn't have enough information at the time (or maybe I was just making another excuse) to look at the realistic backlash of unresolved, internal conflict.

If I could go back and redo things, I would have sought counseling a lot earlier in life.  Instead I allowed my mother to talk me out of it many times.  She was a controller and I allowed her to control me (After all, I was an adult when she did that.  If she controlled me and I knew it, that makes me just as responsible for it happening.). 

The present is what it is, however, and I'm not going to dishonor it by trying to change the past, but be as mindful as I can about its lessons.  Yes, I say 'dishonor' it because there is always at least one other side of the coin.  It is what has shaped me.  Life wasn't always full of dramatic and traumatic times.  There were times when the world seemed 'right.'  There were successes.  I'm not forgetting those either.  I want to be able to remember during the depressive times that 'this too shall pass and there will be light at the end of the tunnel.'  I shined during those times, and expect more of those to come.

This is where I think 'listening' to my intuition, and inspiration is key to much of my outlook of self and others.  With untreated BP symptoms, I know my inward thoughts were just all over the place, accusatory, guilt ridden, and shameful.  I am thankful that those are turning around.  It makes life decisions and obstacles so much easier to face without the extra nonsense that my mind wanted to sift through.

'Mmm gonna try with a little help from my friends.' - Beatle's song 'With a Little Help from My Friends'

Went to group today.  Have made that a habit.  It's still a little sanctuary.  It's nice to go where people understand the ins and outs of BP symptoms.  I'm making meaningful connections with those ladies, and it really feels good to be a part of that little circle.  And to know that we have similar life difficulties makes me so much more thankful in that we get to talk them out through different perspectives.  It's so much easier to fall back upon shame and guilt than it is to forgive yourself for dealing with a human condition, especially BPD, and I imagine other disorders that share similar characteristics.  Some how we tend to find a way to blame ourselves for things beyond our control.  To speak it out loud not only helps us to hear its absurdity, but it also reminds us just how unloving we can be toward ourselves.  It's a beautiful reminder to first love myself, and to get the right PERSPECTIVE as a way of thwarting the habitual thoughts of inner accuser, judge, and jury. 

My best friend and I have been doing great in terms of our relationship.  She was really coming down hard on me before about what she believes is lack of parental guidance by me.  It really upset me, but it wasn't something I would lash out about.  What a huge difference!  Before I was hospitalized, I would have either exploded on the spot about that, or at same later time.  I would have been hurtful toward them, and fill me with more guilt and shame.

'If there is anything we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could be better changed in ourselves.' - Carl Jung

My 12 year old son is sort of acting out in terms of anger, defying authority, and not taking responsibility seriously.  But, then again, I wasn't the best role model as a parent, at least in his earlier years.   Now that I'm taking a strong position in managing my BP symptoms with drug and talk therapy, it's a whole different game.  I do see now how my behavior has effected his.  Now that mine is different, I expect that his will follow.  After all, being his mother (and a single one at that) I have the biggest influence on him right now.  So it's not too late for me to rub off on him.

My 17 year old daughter has calmed down a bit after I had to use tough love to get my point across about responsibilities.  I refused her request to go with her boyfriend to a city 200 miles away to celebrate a friend's birthday.  She was livid with me the whole weekend.  She kept saying things like, 'I'm so pissed.'  But I wouldn't take the bait.  I just ignored it.  I knew why she was angry, it wasn't a secret.  But I wasn't about to get into an argument with her.  That would be repeating former ways of behavior.  This time, I'm parenting with a clearer mind and focused intentions.  I praise as well.  She got over it and it's all good.

'The two most powerful warriors are patience and time.' - Leo Tolstoy

I want everything to change and to change now.  LOL.  I want to undo to my children what I did to them when I was unknowingly bipolar and lashed out at them.  I want to give them the time I spent away from them that I opted to spend on escaping the hurt of reality.  I want to give them the moon and stars.  I do feel sad that their quality of life was so effected.  Time heals and life goes on.  Now that I have treatment and keep pushing forward with coping skills, I know that I will undergo changes, as will they.  Thankfully, the one constant is change.

Today, I am thankful for -

1. Spiritual focus.

2. Life lessons.

3. My BPD friends in group and in HealthyPlace.com.

4. My children and best friend.

5. Managed BPD symptoms so that my perspective is more realistic.

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I'm happy to report that all is going well.  I didn't quite stick to my schedule of how I was going to pull off cooking Thanksgiving menu with everything the kids and me listed.  Before treatment I would have been one hell of a grump, moody, and just a walking time bomb - the kind of person the kids said that they had to walk around on eggshells.  Now I'm more like, 'OK, if dinner is a little later, that's cool.  We have hors de ovres.'  I like this laid back me, I just don't want to get too laid back.  Then I'll start slipping into no structure mode.

Making a to do list.  I find a daily goal list helps me keep a little better on track.  Even if it's just for the little things.  At least I get to see my progession as I cross each off and gain more confidence.

 OK, now for my daily 5 gratitude reasons:

1. I'm glad that my friend in Canada finally realized that she's living with a narcissist and is planning to ensure the safety of herself and her children.

2. I'm grateful for everytime I hear my best friend say, 'I love you.'

3. I'm grateful that I made a new friend on healthyplace.com.

4. I'm grateful that I received an email from another friend on healthyplace.

5.  I'm grateful that I can celebrate Thanksgiving with my children, and that we can have a nice dinner together.  I am also thankful for their help.

Happy Thanksgiving!

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 'Please release me, let me go.' from Englebert Humperdincks's 'Please Release Me' song

 OK I was naive.  I expected the BP drug therapy to help rid me of all depression.  I was very happy when I was released just over a month ago from an acute treatment center, filled with hope of functioning and not feeling any more deep depression and sadness.  What I failed to consider is that normal depression will happen.  That in itself was depressing.  Add to that my mother's absence.  She died last summer.  We were used to gathering at her house.  I don't want to feel depressed at all.  I've had it with dramatic emotions.  But the reality is, I have to deal with them.

I have to admit that I did have another suicidal ideation.  I thought the drug therapy would prevent that as well.  I didn't consider that there would be relapses.  I was able to talk myself out of it, always turning my thoughts to my children and best friend, and to the progress I've made.  I've come too far to destroy my life, and I certainly don't want to hurt my children like that. 

I've been trying to immerse myself into education of BP as a way to find more hope, get a better perspective, and to drive forward my own goals.  It worked.  I found that many famous people lived it, or do live it now.   Not only that, many 'every day' people do the same.  We have hope, and can function.  Not only that, we are now in an age where treatment is available, without any off the wall treatment schemes (at least by licensed, credible doctors and therapists). 

It's a biological thing.  That gives me hope in remembering that it's not just a character flaw.  It's a mood regulation flaw within our bodies.  Just like there can be a temperature regulation flaw within our bodies.  The mind is a bit more intricate, so treatment can't be 100% exact, but it can come close with professional monitoring.

Also, I get a chance at starting my next university term next week.  I am enthusiastic to start it with a 'new mind,' instead of feeling all gung ho from mania, or euphoria, and then burning out with depression.  I have had so much trouble with my grades that I've never had before in my life it's embarrassing.  I expect much better this time around. 

Also, to combat depressive thoughts surrounding Thanksgiving without my mother, I've decided to have it with my children and we can start our own traditions.  We'll include her in the dinner talk, I'm sure, but we'll each contribute to it, instead of just following a yearly pattern.  It sounds fun, and the kids are all up for it.

I haven't pitched this idea to them yet, but will later: visiting some folks at the local nursing home who don't have relatives coming to see them for Thanksgiving.  I'll have to see what their response is. 

I feel more relieved now.  I was in a depressive slump that made me not want to journal.  I just wanted to escape.  I don't want to take any antidepressant drugs on top of mood stabilizers.  Maybe I need to learn there are times when that's necessary.  I guess these are psychiatrist and therapist questions.

Off to start cooking for tomorrow....

 Happy Thanksgiving!

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Some days it's harder to see the roses for the thorns. 

Today was another blah one.  I still haven't let the lid off of my 'container' yet.  Perhaps my therapist was right.  Maybe I fear getting bogged down in emotions.  Maybe I fear getting 'stuck' in them.  After all, before I was hospitalized, my rapid cycling was almost minute to minute.  I do not want a repeat performance.   But it's time to deal with them.  Not tonight, though.  But, tomorrow will be a different day.

My teen daughter settled down, though, emotionally.  So that helps to relieve the pressure I've felt lately.  I stood on my word and followed through.  She didn't like it at first, but, that's life.  Lessons learned aren't always the easiest.  But better she learn them now, cry now, then learn them later and who knows what the consequences will be.

My son is also doing better today, as far as emotionally.  He's his normal, talkative, bouncy self.  I'm grateful for that.

'You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses.' - Ziggy

Speaking of gratitude, I want to start including a gratitude portion in each post.  I read where writing down 5 daily reasons to be grateful helps us to appreciate the ones we love, and life in general, more.

I'm grateful for...

1. A new lease on my life due to drug and talk therapy.

2. My daughter and son, who have helped me to reevaluate my values, and to live a more meaningful life.

3. My best friend, who wears her heart on her sleeve, and who has stood behind me during the darkest hours.

4. Another chance to fulfill my educational goal.

5. The time to work on coping skills.

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'Mama said there'd be days like this...' from the Shirelle's song 'Mama Said' 

Today was more difficult than normal.  I had to tough love it again with my 17 year old daughter, K.  She protested.  STRONGLY.  The good news is that I didn't fly off the handle, I just remained assertive.  Plus, I told her to stop her ranting.  When she didn't, I told her ASSERTIVELY, 'Stop means stop.'  She did. The message was clear without being over the top.  That to me is a major achievement given our past history of being at each others' throat during those moments.

The issue was about the messiness of her room. It's been a difficult path to get her to keep her room clean.  It's such a huge source of contention between us.  I know she's a teen and teens are messy.  But I don't require my children to do a whole lot of chores when they are in school.  I'm a stickler to room cleanliness, though.  If they aren't organized (due to their rooms looking like a hurricane went through) it wreaks havoc on their organization, then they lose important papers, or forget about them, or they run late in the morning trying to catch the bus.  I keep trying to instill in them that if they keep up their little messes, then it won't become a big mess.  I also try to instill that if they learn good habits now, it won't be a tough road for them later. 

This is a pattern with her, not just a one time event.  She claims it is.  Oh we've gone over this time and again.  I tell her that the consequences escalate every time she refuses to live to my standards.  (I'm not 'Mommy Dearest' strict).  I've tried everything from groundings to cash rewards.  I've plainly spoken about the expectations, in a positive manner.  I've been very clear.  I told K. that if she left her room looking like a hurricane came through again that she would have consequences.  The consequences were that she couldn't go to another city with her boyfriend for his friend's birthday over the weekend.  She was livid.  She pulled the old BP card.  'You're starting to sound just like you did when you were [untreated for] bipolar.'  That's not true.  I just have clarity that she doesn't like.  Man, did she try to manipulate that one.  I didn't let it get to me.  Teens are to weaknesses like heat seeking missles are to heat.  But I'm not bending on this one. I was patient and doing my parental job.  I was proud of how I handled it.  My goal is that by the time she leaves the nest she will have learned responsibility and accountability.

 Just when you think things couldn't go worse...

My 12 year old son is having a bad day, too.  He had heated words with one of his teammates at basketball practice.  He wouldn't say what was said.  I told him that it's unhealthy to bottle it, and that he needs to vent.  He really wasn't himself at all.  I told him that. He said then it will just have to eat at him.  It deeply saddens me when he's hurting and I can't help him. 

I'm going to try another approach with him tonight to see if he will open up.  It's not just this, though, it's that he's had anger issues.  I haven't been the best role model, either, with my own issues dealing with BPD.  These are the moments when shame and guilt want to enter into my thoughts.  I will not allow them.  I couldn't help the way I was before, but I can help now.  And I can help him.  I think it's time for him to go to therapy.  I asked him if he would consider it, and he said yes.  That's a big step right there. 

On the flip side, therapy was a bright spot today.  I'm glad it brought some positive balance toward my perspective.

Went to therapy today.  I loved it.  The mild to medium depression I was experiencing yesterday was something we explored.  She gave me good insights as to what fears may account for it.  She also helped me learn a new method to deal with feelings that I may not want to at the moment, and to let them be dealt with later, and in a healthy way.  It involved imagery and she called it the 'containment method.'  I also did another type of therapy.  It was so interesting, and involves creativity through telling a story with objects.  It was insightful.  It helped me to learn more about myself. 

My best friend came over after my therapy session and said I seemed more content than usual, that is was a vibe she picked up.  That is a great indication that therapy is working.  I'm a skeptic when it comes to professionals in my small town, regardless of profession.  I've had a few bad experiences, and I don't mean to overgeneralize my small town, but, when it comes to psychological issues, I want to get treatment from someone who really knows what the hell they're doing.  I'm satisfied with my treatment plan and progress.  It certainly makes me hopeful for the future.

I'm glad I wrote this.  Now I don't feel so bogged down in my children's issues in the sense of 'How will this effect me?' but, more like, 'How can I help them problem solve?' It's good to get things off my chest through journaling.  A lot of things have gotten worked out that way.  Maybe, for me, it helps more with clarity.

Update: My daughter got over her tantrum, and we're speaking again.  She's trying to throw in more ways of trying to persuade me to change my mind about her consequences, but I remain unmoved.  As Abe Lincoln said: 'This, too, shall pass away.'

My son was stewing in some negative emotion, and moody.  He still didn't want to discuss what happened earlier.  But we talked about other issues (that were safer for him to discuss) and he chilled out.  We even got to spend some quality time together.  He still needs to release the emotions that he tries to ignore.  It's time for him to get therapy, too. 

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'Normal is not normal.' from TV show, House

I haven't really felt like blogging lately.  I feel blah, a little depressed.  I suspect part if it is...I miss euphoria.  Feeling normal just some times doesn't feel normal(coping skills, feelings awareness).

I will continue to take my meds, though, because I know through my best friend's comment that I'm like Mary Poppins on speed when I'm in that state (coping skill, understanding self). Plus, I get hypersexual.  I don't even want to go down that road...

Also, the cost of my dental work will most likely prevent the children and me from going out of town for the holidays.  I was throwing ideas around with them and thought we could just take off and explore somewhere different.  Get a change of scenery.   I don't know if that's realistic now, according to my budget.  Perhaps we could do a day trip...(coping skill, problem solving).

'Cause I'm gonna lose you, yes I'm gonna lose you.  If I'm gonna lose you, I'll lose you now for good.' - from Pete Yorn's song, 'Lose You'

It also occurs to me that I may be feeling a little more depressed because I'm a bit disappointed that I won't be able to spend Thanksgiving or Christmas with my mother, who died last summer.  She's the only family I had in this area.  My children were used to going to her house for the holidays.   It doesn't feel the same without her, even though the last months of her life I cut off all cummunication with her.  Our relationship was toxic.  I suspect that she was bipolar, too, now having found out more information about it.  

Last summer did not go well; it was mostly a living hell for me, and much of it stemmed from my mother's actions (control and manipulation).  I might journal about those experiences later.  She was my mother, though.  I was there for her when she died in the hospital, though she wasn't aware of that fact.  She was never alone.  I still loved her.  I wish there could have been reconciliation.  No closure sucks.

'Come on, now.  I hear you're feeling down.  I can ease your pain.  Get you on your feet again.' from Pink Floyd's song, 'Comfortably Numb' 

Trying hard not to cry because I'm tired of emotional roller coasters.  I just want to remain content and not have to deal with what I guess is partly grief.  Maybe that's why I miss euphoria right now.  What a great antidote it would be.  But reality is that if I suppress my feelings, they will come out another way.   And, I don't want them reappearing as anger toward self or others.  It sucks, but life will go on.  I think tonight I'll watch a sad movie and have cathartic time.

'Oh lady's night, and the feeling's right.  Come on, let's all celebrate.' From Kool & the Gang's son, song, 'Lady's Night'

Went to group today (coping skill, networking with a support group). I'm connecting to the women there.  They make me smile.  We talked about change. We were able to share some pretty personal stuff with comfort.  That's huge given that we all have trust issues.  We also got to laugh a lot.  I've only gone twice since being discharged from the acute treatment unit, but feel like it's a little sanctuary.  There is no substitute for the feeling of being understood.  Nor is there one for having the chance to make a positive impact on my fellow human beings. 

I still need to do part 2 of before and after hospitalization post.  Ran out of time today.  Maybe will pen it in for Sunday.  Right now I'm listening to music to help feel something other than depression.   

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I got great news!  I wasn't academically dismissed from my program!  I was hugely relieved when I got the news!  Stupid BPD rapid cycling wreaked havoc on my academic performance.  After going through the proper channels and working with my academic advisor, I get another chance.  Yay!!!!!

And I can't believe how so much better I feel.  I can focus, my thoughts aren't flying around all over the place in my head, I'm not wondering if my anxiety or irritability level is going to overcome me.  I FEEL great.  I mean I do have normal ups and downs.  And the fact that I can even distinguish what normal ups and downs are makes me feel elated! :) 

I've been resting for the most part the past few days.  Dental work has forced me to take it easy.  That's not so bad.  I've had a lot of things that I've wanted to do that I've had to put on hold for a while, but my health is more important.

I was talking to my best friend, S., about all of my dental work, and she asked why I let it go so long.   I remember the last job I had actually had dental insurance, and asking for time off was like, well, pulling teeth.  So the time off that I did get was usually for my kids.  I didn't really take care of myself.  Part of it was being euphoric where everything seems to magically work out so you don't really prioritize it; or you're so depressed that you reach that apathetic stage where it's not a priority at all--until one or more teeth abscess, and there is enough pain involved to get your attention.  That's basically where I was.

The cost of denial, and no--or undertreatment--of psychological and physical health is expensive!  I'd rather take a loan out and deal with it now before it leads to horrible things than to suffer more effects.  I've already been robbed of most of my adult life by BPD (that is until I got THE RIGHT TREATMENT :), and I've been robbed of making sensible choices, from heart to financial, and everywhere in between.

I've now started taking better care of myself, able to see with new clarity and understanding the importance of being kind to myself.  My view has shifted to more confidence.  I have kept my financial records in order since being discharged 10/20/09 from a psychiatric unit.  I have assessed my resources, including my health, have seen the weaker areas and have been proactive in managing them, step by step.  I know 'where I'm at' so I don't have to wonder about my health or to needlessly worry about my situation.  I'm just surviving at the moment financially, and I've had to work out payment schedules with different health providers to get on the right track, but it's worth it.  Now I can get prepared for reentering the workforce and not have those types of monkeys on my back that may zap my confidence level. 

The future looks bright, not too euphorically bright, LOL, but my path of seeing realistic expectations has definitely taken root.  My plans have begun to unfold :)

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'In Greek, "Nostalgia" literally means "the pain from an old wound."  It's a twinge in your heart far more powerful than memory alone.' -character Don Draper, 'Mad Men' 

Yesterday a high school classmate with whom I was close friends posted pics of me and others from our high school years.  I had mixed emotions.  It was fun to see me 20 something years ago, but at the same time, I cried.

I saw myself back then as a poised woman.  I was always clean cut and polished looking.  I remember having big dreams and a big heart.  I smiled a lot and was hopeful of building a new life. What a terrific front. 

I found some poetry that I had written around that time and the tone of it didn't match my appearance.  I looked young and innocent, clothed modestly.  My poems were about pain and death, and suicidal overtones.  Even then, I suppose, I was at the very least cyclothymic. 

Right now I feel robbed, victimized by BPD.  But, if I want to move forward, I've got to stop looking back.  Nostalgia can be fun, but accepting the reality of the present is even better.  There's more to be accomplished with what I've experienced and learned since then.  It's a matter of choosing what I want to focus on.  I want to focus on healing and making a difference in the lives of others who need healing, too.

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