'In Greek, "Nostalgia" literally means "the pain from an old wound." It's a twinge in your heart far more powerful than memory alone.' -character Don Draper, 'Mad Men'
Yesterday a high school classmate with whom I was close friends posted pics of me and others from our high school years. I had mixed emotions. It was fun to see me 20 something years ago, but at the same time, I cried.
I saw myself back then as a poised woman. I was always clean cut and polished looking. I remember having big dreams and a big heart. I smiled a lot and was hopeful of building a new life. What a terrific front.
I found some poetry that I had written around that time and the tone of it didn't match my appearance. I looked young and innocent, clothed modestly. My poems were about pain and death, and suicidal overtones. Even then, I suppose, I was at the very least cyclothymic.
Right now I feel robbed, victimized by BPD. But, if I want to move forward, I've got to stop looking back. Nostalgia can be fun, but accepting the reality of the present is even better. There's more to be accomplished with what I've experienced and learned since then. It's a matter of choosing what I want to focus on. I want to focus on healing and making a difference in the lives of others who need healing, too.
