Sexual Issues and Questions, Online Conference Transcript - Sexual Issues and Questions

Written by HealthyPlace.com Staff Writer

TheArtOfBeingMe: Is it impossible to get out of the "sex is bad" frame of mind after sexual abuse as a child?

Dr. Shiple: YES. Let me repeat that because it is so important: Yes! With work. You would want to find an excellent and skilled cognitively-oriented sex therapist, because what you are dealing with, is how concepts and ideas affect your behavior. Then really dedicate yourself to WORK with this therapist.

Other issues, which would be a part of this, would be accepting and loving yourself as good and beautiful! Yes, you can!

ladyofthelake: In times of extreme stress, when I least want sex, my husband seems to need it the most. Is this a normal reaction?

Dr. Shiple: Absolutely, and it is not just a male-female thing. It is the difference in personal expressions. Sex provides incredible tension release. So, at a time of extreme stress, this element alone can make sex desirable for some people. For other people, as you so well point out, it is just the opposite. The stressful event takes center-stage in your mind, with all lights focusing on it. Who can think about having sex?

In a relationship, the difficulty with these differential ways of responding, is how you resolve the two

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poles. Does one of you look at what benefit the other partner might see in his/her approach, and get in the other person's shoes, as it were? Or does it become an argument as another way of diverting the stress-filled energy?

David: In terms of a relationship, where you have been with your partner for some time, is part of the "deal", whether you are a man or woman, to have sex when your partner wants it -- even though at occasional times you may not want to have sex at that moment? Or maybe a better phrasing of the question is, is that part of having a good relationship?

Dr. Shiple: Sometimes, and sometimes not. What I mean by that is, I think there have to be three modes of interacting:

1. we both want to have sex and we do
2. one of us wants to have sex and the other of us has no serious problem/objection with that. Maybe she or he is tired and not up to generating the energy herself or himself, but if the desirous partner can get the action going, the other party is amenable; and
3. it's just NOT the right time.

I would add that I think (c) needs to be used sparingly. But, by not having a (c), it sets up the circumstance in which one partner might feel forced, or create resentment. This resentment can undermine and destroy a relationship fast!!

rtn12760: I have a therapist who works with me on my pornography issues but doesn't touch on the fear of intimacy. Should I get a new therapist? This one was supposed to specialize in sexual addiction.

Dr. Shiple: Have you brought up to your current therapist that you want to work on fear of intimacy? Do you want to work on fear of intimacy (rather than to presume this from your question.)? If your current therapist feels competent to deal with intimacy fears, I would certainly stick with this therapist. It takes a considerable amount of time to build a therapeutic relationship, one of deep trust and benefit. I would not be looking to have you throw that over too quickly.

However, if you have asked to deal with your fear of intimacy, and the therapist is just not doing so, I would ask if she or he could refer me to someone capable in this area. Intimacy is such a crucial area to sexual satisfaction that I encourage you to take the steps to pursue this.

David: When I hear the term sexual dysfunction, I, maybe because I am a man, think about "inability to get an erection." What other categories does that cover?

Dr. Shiple: Sexual dysfunction for a male can also include what used to be called premature ejaculation. It can include problems with sexual desire. It can include not being able to sustain the erection long enough for mutual satisfaction and pleasure.

For a female, sexual dysfunction, can also be inhibited sexual desire. It can include the condition of vaginismus -- in which the mouth of the vagina tightens up so fiercely and so strongly that it can prevent penetration. Even if penetration is possible, this condition creates incredible pain in the female partner, and, in her partner.

punklil: I have DID ( dissociative identity disorder, multiple personality disorder) and when I say "no" to my partner, he would call out another alter that would say "yes". Is this wrong, or does he have a right to do this?

Dr. Shiple: That would depend on the relationship between the alters. Is it OK with you that what you requested is not listened to? Is it a relief to you that one of the others would be able to please your partner when this is not possible for you? As I mentioned above, if a dynamic is going on that creates resentment for one of the partners, including the main personality, this will be a serious problem to the relationship. Does he have the right? I would seriously consider, outside of the sexual interaction, having the two of you define what you need from your partner and what you are willing to do about your partner requests. If this is absolutely unacceptable to you, Punklil, you would need to help your partner understand, and together, create other options to use when this situation comes up. If you cannot do this yourselves, I would advise you to seek a good relationship therapist for assistance.

Dawnie3: I have diabetes and get splits in the skin, which really hurt. Is this normal and what helps to relieve them and prevent them? I think it's caused from dryness.

Dr. Shiple: Dawnie3, I think that this is an excellent question, but it is out of my area of expertise. Have you asked your medical doctor about this? If not, I encourage you to do so. I would tend to bet that there is some medical treatment that could help you. I just do not know what it might be.