Sexual Issues and Questions, Online Conference Transcript - Information on Sexual Dysfunction

Written by HealthyPlace.com Staff Writer

David: What is the best way of "complaining" about your partner's sexual habits or preferences? Some people have trouble communicating in general, but in sexual matters "tact is critical."

Dr. Shiple: Once again, timing is of the essence in this area. Choose a time when you and your partner are relaxed together. Then set the stage I mentioned above. You do this by saying something along the lines of, "I have something I need to talk to you about that is very important to me; yet I am concerned that you might get upset, angry, hurt (whatever fits). I absolutely do not want that result, yet I still need to talk with you about this."

Then proceed to talk in terms of I-messages: "I would feel so much more aroused if you ...", "I would be willing more often to initiate sex and be an active partner if we did more ...", "Sometimes I need a light touch and sometimes a need a harder touch. Would it work for you if I put my hand over yours to show you which I would enjoy most when?" If your partner says, "no" to this. Ask him/her what works for them. Get your partner actively involved in creating solutions that are helpful pleasing to him/her. You have great expertise between the two of you. You are an expert on yourself and your partner is an expert on his/her responses and inclinations. Don't miss out on the opportunity to use these areas of expertise

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for your mutual benefit. By all means, however, avoid "You always ..." kinds of messages; or, "You never ..." messages. These tend to create defensive responding, the very opposite of what you are looking for when you and your partner could be focusing on one (or several) solutions. As always, timing and "how you say what you say" are crucial.

spudrn: My question is that I was sexually abused as a child, and now, for me to have a successful orgasm, I have to hurt myself sexually to the point of bleeding to release my tension. How can I heal myself from this need of self-injury?

Dr. Shiple: Spudrn, that is a courageous question! Have you worked with a therapist on this? Let me assure you -- you are not alone! I have worked successfully with many, many clients with the "need" to hurt themselves physically (self-injury). This is a treatable condition. However, it requires some basic psychotherapy in the areas of increased positive self-esteem, learning self-love, developing ways of kindness with yourself. These are important skills to learn. Working with a skilled therapist to develop them is step number one. And let me say again, this condition is treatable. So, I encourage you to do the work to get this resolved.

David: For everyone's information, Dr. Shiple's website is: http://www.sexualtherapy.com/therapists/shiple.htm.

Thank you, Dr. Shiple, for being our guest tonight and sharing your expertise with us. And I want to thank everyone in the audience for coming and participating. I hope you have found the information helpful.

Dr. Shiple: Thank you, and good night.

Disclaimer: We are not recommending or endorsing any of the suggestions of our guest. In fact, we strongly encourage you to talk over any therapies, remedies or suggestions with your doctor BEFORE you implement them or make any changes in your treatment.

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