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Page 1 of 3 Marriage and family therapist and licensed hypnotherapist Randy Chelsey, discusses alternative sexual practices, sex outside of straight heterosexual intercourse, including bondage and being a submissive, fantasies of being raped, the desire to be spanked, foot fetishism, and more. We also talked about people's feelings surrounding sexual fantasies, acting out our sexual fantasies, and living with unfulfilled fantasies and how those things affect our relationships.
David is the HealthyPlace.com moderator.
The people in blue are audience members.
David: Good Evening. I'm David Roberts. I'm the moderator for tonight's conference. I want to welcome everyone to HealthyPlace.com. Our topic tonight is "Alternative Sexual Practices." Our guest is therapist, Randy Chelsey. Ms. Chelsey is a marriage and family therapist and licensed hypnotherapist located near Monterey, California. She says that every one of us has sexual fantasies. However, many of us end up repressing them. Ms. Chelsey also has a rather unique method of working with her clients and we're going to be discussing that also.
Good evening, Randy, and welcome to HealthyPlace.com. Thank you for joining us tonight. When you use the phrase "alternative sexual practices," what exactly are you referring to?
Randy Chelsey: I am referring to almost everything other than straight heterosexual intercourse.
David: Why is it that most of us have difficulty acting out our sexual fantasies?
Randy Chelsey: It's a sense of shame, I think. Our fantasies, those middle of the night thoughts, quite often differ from the way we like to think of ourselves acting.
David: I was wondering about the shame aspect of it, but also I think many of us are afraid we can't find a willing partner.
Randy Chelsey: Most of us can't, I think. We don't meet people we want to date with that criteria in mind. We don't find a community of people interested in foot fetishism, or spanking or leather, when we are seeking a mate. We find a "vanilla" person we care about and then hope they'll like what we like, or else, we are so ashamed of these urges that we never expect anyone else will share them.
David: So are you suggesting that maybe seeking a "vanilla" person isn't all it's cracked up to be?
Randy Chelsey: I think it's a set up for disappointment not to insure the person you are interested in being sexual with enjoys what you most enjoy. We make sure they're from our own social class, want children or not, share our religion, but we don't check on the fantasy level.
David: Asking someone to share a fantasy or lifestyle, for instance, involving bondage or some sort of fetish, is pretty difficult. It sort of reminds me of the pressure that guys in high school face when it comes time to ask a girl out and the fear of being rejected. Only in this case, the price you might have to pay for rejection could be rather high -- being branded a deviant. How would you address that?
Randy Chelsey: Absolutely. Unless that is a priority and you explore bondage communities for sexual partners. The internet has really made these communities a lot easier to locate. And being branded as a deviant is exactly what happens when someone asks his/her partner to act out their fantasy.
David: We have a few audience questions, Randy, on what we've been talking about so far, and then I mentioned that you have a unique way of working with clients in therapy and I want to address that. Here's the first question:
Love_and_care: I don't have difficulty with acting out my fantasies, but I am branded a "slut" for doing so. Do you think that people who act on their fantasies are "sluts?"
Randy Chelsey: I don't believe anyone is a "slut." I am sorry that with your opening up to who you really are, you were treated that unkindly. Perhaps the key to avoiding that in the future might be to approach a community who share your interests.
pia: So are you suggesting maybe instead of "vanilla person," which could be boring, seek "a rainbow" person.. :)
Randy Chelsey: Vanilla people are interesting to vanilla people. Few of us are the entire rainbow. Maybe we're red or green or yellow instead.
David: As we continue on here, I want to mention that when we are talking about sexual fantasies and acting them out, we are talking about consensual sex, an agreement between partners, NOT unwanted sexual advances. Just wanted to make that clear.
Randy Chelsey: I want to underline that.
GaryS: Is sex more important to marital or relationship stability than social class, children, or religion? I do not think so.
Randy Chelsey: I agree with you Gary. However, it's easier to find people who are middle class or who share child raising ideas than it is to find someone who appreciates the fact that you like to wear diapers.
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