Getting Your Kids to Say 'No' When You Said 'Yes'

Written by Victor C. Strasburger, MD

Introduction
The World Today
Sex Education
Drug Education
Summary

Introduction

"Slogans that teach young people to 'Say No' to drugs or sex have a nice ring to them. But . . . they are as effective in prevention of adolescent pregnancy and drug abuse as the saying 'Have a nice day' is in preventing clinical depression."

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--Michael Carrera, Ed.D., testifying at the Presidential Commission on AIDS

Many parents today grew up in times when things were different; kids weren't getting shot and killed at school; underwear ads weren't as graphic as Playboy centerfolds, and using drugs meant trying a cigarette, not snorting cocaine or drugging your date. Times have changed, but we haven't. We still want teenagers to say no to early sexual intercourse. We still want teens to avoid cigarettes, alcohol, and marijuana. We still want our kids to grow up safe, healthy, and happy. But what do we say to them when they ask, "Did you and Dad ever 'do it' before you were married?" Or, "Did you ever smoke marijuana in college?" Ah, there's the rub.

The World Today

Although rates of sexual intercourse have decreased slightly during the 1990s, the average age remains around 15 years for boys and 16 years for girls. Whether you are a parent, a teacher, a physician or just a concerned adult, that seems young. Rates of drug use have apparently leveled off, but they, too, are alarmingly high.

The Monitoring the Future study, based at the University of Michigan, has involved 16,000 students in the middle and high school categories. Their latest data reports that more than half of all high school seniors have used an illicit drug, most often marijuana; two-thirds have tried smoking cigarettes, and nearly two-thirds have been drunk.

Do we really want young people to repeat the mistakes we made as teenagers? Or have our attitudes remained the same: 'Free love; tune in, turn on, drop out'?

Times have changed

Most of the parents I talk with are scared to death of what's out there confronting their children and teenagers. AIDS and HIV? Didn't exist in the 1960s or 1970s when most of us were growing up. Ecstasy, crack cocaine, handguns at school? No way. Nor were there videocassette recorders, R- and X-rated movies, e-mail, or the Internet. Times have changed, and parenting seems more difficult than ever.

What's a concerned parent to do? Stand idly by and watch their teens indulge in 'sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll' without worrying about it? Or is this a case of, 'Do as I say, not as I did'?

The answers are easier than you think.

Sex Education

As an adolescent medicine physician, I can tell you that early sexual intercourse is not a good idea for teenagers. Never has been, never will be. Sure, we can avoid some of the problems with conscientious use of birth control. But sex is not an easy thing for teenagers to deal with (as you yourself may remember). It takes maturity, time, sophisticated thinking about people and about the world, self-knowledge, and confidence. How many 13 year-olds do you know who are 'ready' to have sex?

Okay, sounds good so far, but how do you keep YOUR 13 year-old from having sex? And what do you do when she asks you, "How old were you when you lost your virginity, Mom?"

It's ALL sex education

First and foremost, parents need to recognize that sex education occurs at home, whether you talk to you kids openly or not. How you react to something racy on TV, whether you kiss your spouse in public, whether you have an 'open' or 'closed-door' bathroom policy: it's ALL sex education.

Be an approachable parent, and start early

What matters most is that you create an atmosphere with your children in which they feel safe asking you anything that's on their minds. Being an 'askable' or 'approachable' parent is what I call it, and it takes a lot of work right from the beginning of your children's lives. Sex education should begin at home, at around 2 years of age. That may surprise you, but how you refer to your child's genitalia when you're changing their diaper is important. Use correct terminology. And don't blush when you say 'penis' or 'vagina'. Kids need to hear those body parts named and discussed just like other body parts, or they start getting the idea that there's something different 'down there' that shouldn't be discussed out loud. If you're a Harry Potter fan, it's like the difference between saying Voldemort and 'He-Who-Must-Not-Be Named!' By age 7-8, kids should know all about the basic plumbing, and what it's used for. By age 10-12, they should have a good idea about your attitudes and beliefs about sex. Then, hopefully, sex education classes in the school will reinforce what you've been teaching them already.