In days of old, sex was mainly

an act of male assertiveness. Having an orgasm inside a woman was what he wanted, and it was far from clear what she might want or what he might be able to do for her. Many men didn't think women wanted anything in sex but engaged in it only because they wanted something else that sex could bring -- conception, a steady boyfriend, a happy husband -- or because they had been tricked into it. For men who weren't cads, the main aspect of sensitivity was not harming the woman; in other words, treating her gently and using protection against disease.

The view, of women as nonsexual came under attack in the last century and increasingly in the twentieth century until it was finally accepted that women were indeed sexual creatures. Men should strive not only for their own satisfaction but also for their partners'. Since men were still seen as more sexual than women, and since they had more leeway to gain experience, it was their task to introduce women to the joys of sex.

The research of Kinsey and later Masters and Johnson added influence to this view. Women were capable not only of enjoying sex but also of orgasm, maybe more orgasms than men. Men ought to give them their due. This was an important step forward, but one result is that men felt more pressured to perform because somehow the message was that they had to "give" their partners orgasms. Some men became so focused on ensuring their partners' pleasure that they forgot about their own.

In "The New Male Sexuality," I hope we are constructing, the satisfaction of both partners is paramount. The man has to assert his own wants and preferences, but also be sensitive to his partner's. It is not his job to give her orgasms, but it is in his interests to understand her desires and to fulfill them to the best of his abilities.

Being assertive and self-focused entails knowing your conditions, going after them, and thoroughly involving yourself in your own pleasure. You want sex now, so you try to interest your partner. You like to kiss this way, so that's what you do. You like to touch her breasts that way, so you do it. You like intercourse in such a position, so that's what you go for. And while doing these things, you're immersed in your sensations and experience, fully present and alive to what is happening. A good lover is assertive in these ways. He knows what he wants, or is willing to find out, and he goes after it without apology or guilt.

But a good lover is also sensitive to his partner's needs. You notice if she doesn't seem interested in exactly what you want or suggests something else, and you're flexible enough to try to combine both of your desires to make for a mutually satisfying experience. And you don't use guilt or other types of coercion to get what you want. A good lover is attentive to his partner's breaths, sounds, and movements and notices what works and doesn't work for her. He also listens carefully when she says what she likes. If she doesn't spontaneously voice her likes and dislikes, he asks. Bad lovers don't ask, don't listen, and don't remember.

A good lover takes the time and energy to use his knowledge to make sure his partner enjoys sex as much as he does. He also knows that sex isn't necessarily over when he's satisfied. Maybe she wants something more. A good lover would not be open to the charge a woman made about her new boyfriend: "He's one of these selfish or unconscious men. When he comes, it's all over. I have to go, 'Knock, knock, can I have a turn, too?'" A good lover is also sensitive enough to not pressure his partner to perform to boost his ego.

It is difficult, perhaps impossible, to be both sensitive and self-absorbed at the same time. The trick is to be able to be both, but at different times. If you want her to go down on you, for instance, ask her to. That's being assertive. But if she says no, accept the no with good grace and find out what else you two can do. If she never wants to stimulate you orally and that kind of stimulation is important to you, talk to her about it and see if something can be worked out. If she wants you to go down on her, listen to her request and do as she wants, say you don't feel like it now, or tell her what your objection is and work something out. If you want her to initiate more, you say so, but you also listen sympathetically if she tells you why this is difficult.

There can be times when sex is mainly for her and others when it's mainly for you. If it's for you, then get into your self-absorbed mode and get exactly what you want. If it's for her, then focus entirely on what she wants.

Of course there are other times when it's mainly for both of you. This requires some shifting back and forth. Perhaps you like to kiss her breasts quite hard but she likes that only, after some softer touching and kissing. So you could do it the way she wants until she's ready for you to do it your way. If she likes slow and gentle intercourse and you prefer it fast and furious, you could do it her way for a while, then your way. Or there can be occasions when intercourse is done her way, other times when it's done your way. Perhaps your favorite intercourse position is from the rear or with you on top. Your partner enjoys these positions but they are not her favorites. Nonetheless, she's happy to use them mainly for your pleasure. She adjusts herself to your pace and tries to give you everything you want. You should accept her gifts and make it as pleasurable as possible for yourself. Perhaps her favorite position is her on top. Now you should accommodate yourself to her rhythm and try to give her everything she wants.

We have already started on the self-centered side by determining your conditions. Now let's deal with how to get them met and how to be assertive in your communications. Sometimes I switch back and forth between the two poles of sexual happiness: assertiveness and sensitivity. I realize it's a bit of a balancing act (both for you as reader and me as writer, as well) for all of us in real life. But it is a balancing act that must be mastered if we are to have truly wonderful sex.