Reasons in men

Pressure to perform well in bed seems to be increasing - fuelled by media images of the ever-potent, ever-ready male. A man is expected always to be able to perform sexually. At the same time, modern society expects him to deal with increasing stresses in the workplace, to do his share of household tasks, to be an intellectual companion and emotional support to his partner, and to be a perfect father. It is no wonder that he finds he cannot perform sexually. Over the past decade, the number of couples coming to Relate (the relationship counselling organization) with difficulties blamed on lack of sexual desire in the male partner has doubled.

Heavy drinking is a common cause of loss of interest in sex (and problems with erections). This is because alcohol eventually reduces the production of testosterone by the testes, interferes with processing of testosterone (male hormone) by the cells of the body, and affects the parts of the brain that control hormone balance.

A low testosterone level is seldom the reason for a loss of sex drive, but your doctor can check this quite easily.

Questions to ask yourself

• Is this really a problem, are my expectations unrealistic, what do I really want, is it affecting my relationship? You and your partner may feel the situation is quite acceptable. On the other hand, it may be affecting your self-esteem and your relationship.
• Am I depressed? Feelings of sadness, hopelessness and helplessness, with lack of energy and disturbed sleep, and an inability to find anything enjoyable are symptoms of depression. Modern antidepressants are very effective at treating depression, and are not addictive. As your depression gradually lifts, your sex life will improve. If this doesn't happen, it may be that the tablets are curing the depression, but their side-effect is making the sex problem worse. Don't stop taking the medication; mention the problem to your doctor, who will be able to change the dose or use a different antidepressant.
• Am I drinking too much? If so, try to cut down.
• Have I started taking any new medications? A drug is unlikely to be the cause if you had already gone off sex before starting it, but otherwise it is worth checking with your doctor to see if any medication could be responsible.
• Is there any other physical reason? If you are tired or physically unwell it is quite reasonable to wish to put your sex life on hold for a while.
• Is there any specific aspect of our sex life that is putting me off? A relatively simple problem, such as the type of contraception or pain on intercourse, can be dealt with by a visit to your doctor or family planning clinic. However, there may be a problem which is easy to put your finger on but less easy to deal with. This could be anything - your partner's standards of cleanliness, the type of sexual activities your partner wants, lack of privacy, a suspicion that your partner has a sexually transmitted disease, a triggering of unpleasant memories of sexual abuse. Unfortunately, this type of problem doesn't usually go away on its own, but a counsellor (see Useful Contacts) will be able to help you find the best way of dealing with it.
• Is my loss of interest in sex really because I am unhappy about other aspects of the relationship? If so, tackle these issues, perhaps with the help of a counsellor.

Here are some exercises to rekindle sexual desire.

next: Addictive Sexual Behaviors