Talk talk talk

In a relationship we often act as though the other person is clairvoyant -- that they know what we are thinking or what our feelings are, without being told. This idea may strike you as romantic, but most partners are not clairvoyant -- you need to get used to explaining yourself so that they understand you. Often you need to repeat yourself so the message gets through. Perhaps one of the hardest things for a human being to do is to really recognize and accept as valid another person's point of view, when it is different from their own.

Practice saying explicitly what you mean and checking that you have been clearly understood.

• 'Are you sure?'
• 'Is that all?'
• 'Do you really mean...?'
• 'What is it that you are trying to say?'

Help your partner to say exactly what they mean, especially when they are embarrassed or frightened. Remember, in any discussion, do not devalue yourself. Stick to your Bill of Rights. If there is a disagreement, respect the other person's opinion and acknowledge that you have heard it, but stick to what you feel is right for you. 'I appreciate your opinion but I do not accept that it is right for me.'

Communication, Respect, and STDs

What's all this got to do with sexual diseases? So I've been talking about your rights as a person and about communication and respect in a relationship. That might be fine in a marriage guidance book, but what's it got to do with sexual disease? Quite a lot.

Examine your current sexual relationships. Is there any risk that you could catch a sexually transmittable disease?

• Do you have just one partner?
• How often do you change partners?
• Is your partner being faithful to you?
• If you are not being faithful to your partner, what makes you think they are being faithful to you? Remember it can take only one fleeting sexual contact to catch a disease.
• What is your partner's sexual history?
• What of your own sexual past, are you sure you are not carrying hidden infection?

Only if you can fully answer all these questions can you really know what your risk of sexual disease is. Only then can you know if you are taking all the precautions necessary to maintain your sexual health.

I think you'll see that only relationships based on open and trusting communication can allow you to assess your risk and act to control it.

Sex just happens -- or does it?

There is a myth in our society that sex is something that 'just happens'. There is also a myth that men, in particular, have uncontrollable sexual urges. Many people act out these myths, using them as an excuse not to take responsibility for themselves. This is where the practice of discipline and saying 'No' is essential.

The more you say 'No', the stronger you become as a person. When people do not own responsibility for their own sexual urges they often deny the fact that there are diseases circulating which they can catch. They expect other people to make the world safe for them. But when there are lots of other people like them, also denying their responsibilities, the world is not safe at all.

In real life, the people involved actually think about sex before it happens: that it might happen and that they would like it to happen. You can plan ahead. The hardest thing to do is to make a change and maintain the change, but when you are sure you are making a correct decision stick to your guns. Remember your Bill of Rights.

Dr. Jenny McCloskey

Are you saying I shouldn't have sex?

No. Sex is a normal part of a happy and fulfilled life. When the situation is right for you, I see no reason to say 'No'. The reason we have such a high level of sexual disease today is that many people have sex when the situation is not right for them: when there are uncontrolled risks of infection, for example. If they respected themselves, they wouldn't expose themselves to risks. They would say 'No', and work at building safer sexual relationships. The value of saying 'No' is not in abstinence, it is in choosing good (and safe) relationships over dangerous contacts. It is an act of self love.