sexual health

Our self image is the blueprint which determines exactly how we will behave, who we will mix with, what we will try and what we will avoid; our every thought and every action stem from the way we see ourselves.

-- Andrew Matthews, Being Happy, 1988

Your sexual health and attitude are determined by multiple influences -- your parents, friends, teachers and your environment and culture -- but the most important influence is you.

Most of the time we do not question the way we behave. Our actions reflect habits of thought and established beliefs about ourselves and others. We should critically examine our thoughts and behaviors. Sometimes we will need to adapt our beliefs to new realities. The capacity for positive change is vital to success in life.

A Bill of Human Rights

I believe every person has the right to:

1. Respect
2. Honesty
3. Express your own feelings
4. Be listened to
5. Be taken seriously
6. Be different
7. Make mistakes
8. Be perfect
9. Be detached
10. Be loved
11. Love yourself

Author Stuart Wilde proclaimed the first nine of these human rights at a talk I attended in 1990. The last two (the right to be loved and the right to love yourself) I have added.

I believe the key to sexual health (and to happiness in life) is in the last one: the right to love yourself. Only through learning to love yourself you will find happiness, peace, and bliss. I am not talking here about sexual love but about agape (pronounced ahgarp-ee). Agape is probably best defined as a tremendous love for life and is akin to altruistic love or having regard for the well-being of others.

Loving Yourself

What does loving yourself mean when our society says we should do things for others? Loving yourself is a feeling of being centered and calm within. When we can find this within ourselves we can help others to be like this too. We bring love in abundance to our lives.

To learn to do this you need to be able to discipline yourself. You need to be able to say, 'No'. You need the discipline of being able to make yourself do things that are good for you and not do the things that are bad for you. Discipline is not a really popular concept in our self-indulgent society. Often we find it very difficult to say 'No' to things we know are bad for us. We say 'just this one more time' and think it will not make any difference. But it does. Things add up little by little. Instead we might learn that saying 'No' just one more time strengthens our character, helps us to respect ourselves, and is the path to making our lives just that little bit happier.

Respect yourself and assert your rights

People often think that if they say 'No' it means they don't like or love the person who is asking. How wrong this is! Responsible parents often say 'No' to their loved children. They will say 'No' when the child wants to play on the road or with a knife, precisely because they love their child. It is the same in adult life except we've forgotten that saying 'No', because we care about ourselves and the other person, can be positive.

Learn to be assertive. In our society we think that to be assertive is to be aggressive. It is not. It is just that you respect yourself, and the more you learn to respect yourself the more you will learn to respect others. You have a right to say, 'I want...' and 'I insist...' and to be heard by your partner. If your partner does not hear or listen to you, this is telling you something very fundamental about your relationship: that your basic rights of being a person are not being respected. Please allow yourself to have these rights.

Talk about what you want

OK, I say what I want and my partner says what they want, and they are different. Where do I go from here? You have got past the first major hurdle. You are both talking about what you want. That is the basis of a relationship: to discuss what you both want then to talk about a solution where you will both be happy because you respect each other's feelings and right to be different.

In looking after your sexual health, you have a right to want to remain healthy and free of disease. You must take these responsibilities on your own shoulders and not assume your partner will be responsible for you. In good relationships, your partner will want to share the responsibility with you and they will talk about it. There will be no assumptions.