Low Sexual Desire - Low Sexual Desire - For Women Only

Written by Gerald Weeks, Ph.D., and Jeffrey Winters

* BAHISH PESSIMISM

After a while, one may wonder if desire will ever return. And sometimes, heartfelt attempts at change--even through therapy--can lead nowhere.

Don't give up. Getting past HSD often takes months, and sometimes years. A sex therapist may be needed to help guide a couple in building intimacy. And it takes work to deal with the issues that have suppressed desire. But this sort of work can result in a stronger overall relationship--and lead to desires and pleasures long forgotten.

FOR WOMEN ONLY

Some women blame their hormones; others fault their upbringing. But for women struggling with h HSD, it's hard not to blame themselves. They shouldn't. Desire can't be turned on with a switch. For women who find themselves without desire, guilt from themselves or their partners can often make things worse. Instead of playing the blame game, try these solutions:

* WORK ON THE RELATIONSHIP

Sex therapists agree that the level of a woman's sexual desire is often determined by how comfortable she is in her relationship. If she isn't sure about what her partner thinks of her--or how much she can trust him--the level of desire may plummet. Underlying problems with intimacy--such as fear of losing control or being controlled, rejection and conflicts leading to resentment--can suppress desire.

Sometimes, experts suggest spending more time together and away from the roles of everyday life. Try, for example, a sight-seeing outing, a bicycle ride or just dinner and a movie. When both partners can get out of their routines, they may well rediscover the joys of spending time together. Simple steps like these can help restore confidence in a relationship.

* BROADEN THE DEFINITION OF SEX

When it comes to sex, intercourse is the entire focus for many men. Unfortunately, too many women buy into this idea, as well. And for women with HSD, this intercourse-or-nothing outlook can create real barriers.

How about a full-body massage? Or a good foot rub? There are many ways partners can please each other without the pressure of having intercourse. And once a woman gets a taste for these pleasures, it can build into a desire for more traditional physical sex..

* IT'S OK TO FANTASIZE

To some women, fantasizing about sex with someone other than their partner is a betrayal. But fantasy and behavior aren't the same things. Experts agree that a healthy fantasy life is a way to build up sexual desire. So go ahead: close your eyes and dream of Brad Pitt.

* CREATE A SEXUAL ENVIRONMENT

Instead of waiting to stumble over sexual desire, women with HSD can work to create a more sexual mental environment. Take time to think about sex, how to build up a better sex life, or even to plan naughty sexual encounters with your partner. Often, a little proactive thinking will prime the pump of desire, leading to a more receptive state later.

ADDICTED TO SEX

If you think the media is sex obsessed, take note: Even psychologists have a decidedly pro-sex bias. For proof, look no further than the "bible" of the psychological profession, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, or DSM.

Psychologists use the definitions in the DSM as a means of diagnosing--and treating--mental health problems. The DSM provides a three-part clinical definition for hypoactive sexual desire:

* Persistently or recurrently deficient (or absent) sexual fantasies and desire for sexual activity. The judgment of deficiency or absence is made by the clinician, taking into account factors that affect sexual functioning, such as age and the context of the person's life.

* The disturbance causes marked distress or interpersonal difficulty.

* The sexual dysfunction is not better accounted for by another disorder (except another sexual dysfunction) and is not due exclusively to the direct physiological effects of a substance (a drug or medication) or a general medical condition.

If having little or no sexual desire is a problem, what about wanting too much sex? The term "sexual addiction" was coined a few years back to describe people with an obsessive sex drive. Yet according to the DSM, wanting too much sex isn't a problem. No diagnosis for sexual addiction is described in its pages.

That doesn't jibe with the experience of mental health professionals, who see people coming into their offices displaying symptoms of out-of-control sexual desire. And according to Robin Cato, executive director of the National Council on Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity (NCSAC) in Atlanta, the lack of DSM acknowledgement hinders attempts to help such patients. "Without a DSM listing, few insurance companies are going to pay for treatment," Cato notes.

Not all professionals are enthusiastic about the movement to make sex addiction a disorder; some dismiss the effort as financially motivated. Michael Ross, Ph.D., a professor of public health at the University of Texas and the past president of the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality, doubts that the evidence is all in."Sexual addiction," says Ross, "does not meet the criteria for a classic addiction."

READ MORE ABOUT IT:

Hypoactive Sexual Desire: Integrating Sex and Couple Therapy, Gerald Weeks, Ph.D., and Nancy Gambescia, Ph.D. (Norton, 2002)

Gerald Weeks, Ph.D., A.B.S., is a professor of counseling at the University of Nevada in Las Vegas and a board certified sex therapist of the American Board of Sexology.

Jeffrey Winters, formerly with Discover magazine, is a science writer based in New York.

next: How Sex Problems Can Destroy A Relationship