Tried-And-True Remedies For Bad Sex

Written by Lynn Norment

Bad sex. Unfulfilled sex. Miserable sex. It is a subject that most people don't want to think about, not to mention talk about--not in public, not at home, not in their bedrooms. But it is a problem that afflicts a great number of Americans. In fact, a recent University of Chicago study indicates that at any given time four in 10 American women and three in 10 American men suffer from some kind of sexual dysfunction.

The situation is worse in Black America. In general, African-Americans experience more sexual dysfunction than Whites, and Hispanics experience fewer sexual problems. Black women are much more likely to experience low sexual desire, and to report less pleasure from sex, than White women. Hispanic women consistently reported the most satisfying lives.

Many were shocked to learn that so many people are suffering from the bedroom blues. It is hard to believe that hundreds of thousands of men and women in this land of free sex and liberal love--where couples in bed area staple on daytime and evening television shows, where the average age of first-time sex is sinking lower and lower, where music and movies seem to be stuck on the same theme of sex, sex and more sex--that so many people are not enjoying

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what they spend so much time talking, reading, dreaming, bragging and lying about.

Sexual dysfunctions, according to the study, are "characterized by disturbances in sexual desire and in the psychophysiological changes associated with the sexual response cycle in men and women." The dysfunctions covered by the survey include lack of sexual desire, arousal difficulties, inability to achieve climax or ejaculation, anxiety about performance, premature orgasms, pain during intercourse and not finding sex pleasurable. In addition, the university study indicates that sex problems are more common among young women and older men.

There are many factors that affect the quality of a couple's sex life. They include the stresses that consume so many of us--job, family, social obligations, as well as economic pressures --in addition to psychological and physiological factors. At the same time, many people don't acknowledge that they have problems and don't seek help. Consequently, sexual problems that can be treated often go unmentioned.

Author Audrey B. Chapman, a couples therapist and radio show host in the Washington, D. C., area, says she finds that for many Black people, the sheer stress of everyday life leaves little time and energy for quality sex. "These days, people are living racy and hectic lives," she says. "Everyone is stressed out trying to achieve so much with so little time and, for most Black people, with not enough resources. People are stressed, pressed and frustrated, and all that takes energy. By the time you get to the end of the day or the week, you are wiped out. It takes energy to be sexual, and that means physical and emotional energy."

Chapman and other relationship experts also emphasize that financial stress is major factor affecting the sex lives of Black Americans. When a man is unemployed, it affects his ego and consequently his sex life. When a woman is concerned about how to feed her children, she has little interest in sex. An interesting conclusion from the University of Chicago sex study is that more highly educated men and women seem to have greater sexual satisfaction. On the other hand, declining finances appear to contribute to sexual dysfunction, for women in particular. Financial and devastating life events such as job loss, death of a spouse and divorce all affect sexual desire and performance.

Dr. Paris M. Finner-Williams, a psychologist and attorney who operates a relationship counseling practice in Detroit with her husband, Robert D. Williams, a clinical psychiatric social worker and marriage and family therapist, agrees with Chapman that busy, hectic schedules interfere with quality sex lives. "There are performance issues and there are quality issues," she says. "Because we live very busy, demanding lives, we just don't seem to have the available time that we used to have for relaxing with our mates.

"We don't have energy for any foreplay, and if we do make love, the quality is that of stress-reduction lovemaking rather than the romantic kind. People are just trying to get physical release, which is quite different from the beauty, excitement and arousal you get from the old-fashioned, on-vacation, romantic type of lovemaking."

Another social factor that affects the sex lives of African-Americans is the fact that spouses don't make or take time to relax and enjoy each other intimately. "People don't take enough time to communicate with their partners, to have fun, to connect spiritually," says Chapman. "There is not enough communication and spiritual union among Black men and women. It is not a priority anymore. Getting a car is a priority, getting a house, getting clothes, getting hair done."

Marriage therapist Robert Williams says that couples who want to improve their sex lives must recognize that what and how you think rather than what you do is essential to eliminating sexual dysfunction. "Healthy sexuality and satisfying sexual encounters among African-Americans will enhance their self-esteem and self-worth, and improve their intrapersonal communication skills on all levels," he emphasizes.

There area number of physiological reasons that people don't enjoy sex. One is the inability of the man to get an erection; another is the pain that women sometimes experience. Individuals who experience these or other physical problems should seek advice from their physicians.