Psychological Intimacy in the Lasting Relationships of Heterosexual and Same-Gender Couples - The Meaning of Psychological Intimacy

Written by Richard A. Mackey, Matthew A. Diemer, Bernard A. O'Brien.

Variations by gender may have reflected how individuals perceived and valued different elements of psychological intimacy within themselves and in their partners. Because of the gender differences between partners in heterosexual relationships, these variations on the theme of psychological intimacy were manifested in a different way. The following observations of a heterosexual male illustrated those variations; he viewed his wife as

very unselfish, and she would sacrifice so that I could go out and do my thing. One thing that we have always done, always, is talk constantly to each other. I don't know what we talk about, and I don't know what we've had to talk about all these years, but we still communicate with each other. . . We've had fights . . . when she gets mad at me I stop talking to her. And then she feels very bad, and this may last a day or two, and then it passes and everything is fine again . . . She's more open than I am. I keep a lot inside and I don't let it out, and that's probably not good. But, that's the way I am.

Many heterosexual males viewed observable qualities in their wives, such as support and their style of managing conflict, as important in developing and maintaining a sense of psychological intimacy in their marriages. Females, on the other hand, often commented on the observable and then went on to identify their understanding of the underlying dynamics that shaped behavior. More than men, women talked about the interplay of relational dynamics. The spouse in this marriage reported that she filled certain needs in him, and I know he filled certain needs in me . . . he didn't have very high self-esteem. I may have boosted his confidence a lot . . . He tells me I go ballistic over stupid things, and he is outwardly very calming . . . I don't always agree with him, and he does not always agree with me . . . but we're good friends through it all, and I think that if you have a good friend, you should be able to disagree or agree, or get angry or be happy, or any number of emotions, if that's your friend, that's your friend ... I don't even know how to describe it, you just have that closeness . . . there has to be enough there so that when all these little outside things are finally gone, it's not "Who are you? I don't know you, and we don't have anything." You have to really work at keeping that level of a relationship active . . . not just a physical spark, but just the whole picture.

Themes of connectedness and separateness in these four interview passages were important dynamics in understanding the meaning of psychological intimacy to participants. The elements of proximity, closeness, mutuality, and interdependence may have been shaped most significantly by the interaction of males and females in same- and opposite-gender relationships. That is, it may not be gender alone that accounts for the differences between males and females. If women value attachment in relationships in a way different from men, then the data may suggest a mutually reinforcing process toward strengthening connectedness in lesbian relationships. In heterosexual and gay male relationships, the value that males place on separateness in relationships may temper the quality of attachment that develops over the years, and therefore results in different forms of psychological intimacy.

Psychological intimacy between lesbian partners had a different relational history from that of heterosexual and gay male partners. From the early years to recent years, our data suggest a progressive shift toward psychological intimacy between lesbian partners. Lesbians were as evasive of face-to-face discussions of conflict as heterosexual and gay male males, during the early years of their relationships. For lesbians, the avoidance appeared to be a consequence of fearing abandonment by their partners if they openly confronted differences. Only as lesbian couples became increasingly disenchanted with their relationships did modification in conflict management styles occur. Usually, one partner took the risk of expressing her unhappiness. That encounter resulted in 85% of lesbians applying for couple therapy. Based on the reports of lesbian respondents about the meaning of therapy to their relationships, being involved in treatment may have supported the development of psychologically intimate communication between partners.

LIMITATIONS

Qualitative modes of data collection based on in-depth interviews conducted are an effective tool for studying elusive phenomena, such as psychological intimacy. The richness of data elicited through the method used in this study is quite different from data collected through other means, although there are concerns about validity and reliability, as well as the nature of the sample.

It is difficult to assess the validity of the data in the traditional sense of that concept, since we were eliciting the personal perceptions and evaluations of participants about the meaning of psychological intimacy in their relationships at a particular point in time. The candor of participants on highly personal matters, such as the decline in sexual relations because of sexual dysfunctions, suggests that participants were equally candid about other aspects of their relationships, such as psychological intimacy. By interviewing partners separately and asking them to talk about themselves, as well as their observations of their partners in these relationships, we were able to compare responses to determine if there were significant differences over common realities. For example, did both partners assess the nature of conflict in their relationships similarly? Did a participant, in commenting on an aspect of a partner's behavior, come close to the partner's observations about the same factor? Correspondenc e between partners was permitted in the study, which was illustrated in the responses to conflict management styles, when participants were asked to describe their style as well as the style of their partners. For example, partners who described themselves as having an evasive style were viewed by their partners in an equivalent way.

In a cross-sectional design in which participants are asked to report on their life today and in the past, traditional measures of reliability are inadequate. The meaning-of-life events and an individual's response to these events will vary, and may even vary within the same person at different points over the lifespan. While longitudinal designs may be superior in contending with problems of validity and reliability, cross-sectional designs that use interviews to uncover the meaning of behavior have the strength of eliciting the richness in the experiences of human beings.

There is a shortfall in recoding the data from multiple categories into dichotomous ones. This step built onto the earlier qualitative analysis by offering a different lens through which to understand the data. To offset the potential reductionistic effects of recoding, we have incorporated a discussion of the qualitative data into the results. The integration of qualitative and quantitative procedures was intended to enhance the theory development objective of the research.