Psychological Intimacy in the Lasting Relationships of Heterosexual and Same-Gender Couples - Psychological Intimacy in the Lasting Relationships

Written by Richard A. Mackey, Matthew A. Diemer, Bernard A. O'Brien.

In a self-report survey by Parks and Floyd (1996), 270 college students were asked what made their same- and cross-gender friendships close and how this closeness was expressed. Across same- and different-gender friendships the authors "found no support for hypotheses suggesting that women or those with a feminine gender role identification would label their friendship as 'intimate' more than men or people with a more masculine gender role identification" (p. 103). The findings of Parks and Floyd support their argument that "sharp sex (sic) differences in interpersonal behavior has always been scant" (p. 90). While helpful, this research, like many studies of intimacy, was conducted with a young adult and homogeneous sample that were reporting primarily on short-term relationships.

The extent to which men and women define and express intimacy differently remains ambiguous, not unlike the concept itself. Men may value shared activities as an instrumental means to experiencing relational connectedness that may lead to a sense of psychological intimacy, while women may place greater value on sharing thoughts and feelings about themselves. Even if these processes differentiate the meaning of intimacy to men and women, they cannot account for temperamental, contextual, or intervening factors in relationships at different points over their life spans.

Sexual Orientation and Intimacy

Research focused on qualities in the relationships of same-gender partners has been reported in the professional literature over the past two decades. Peplau (1991) observed that "research on gay male and lesbian relationships dates mainly from the mid-1970's" (p. 197).

Studies have found no significant differences between gay males and lesbians on measures of dyadic attachment and personal autonomy within relationships (Kurdek & Schmitt, 1986; Peplau, 1991). High dyadic attachment and low personal autonomy have been associated with the quality of relationships, a positive aspect of which was effective communication. Research on the quality of communication in same-gender relationships has been, however, inconclusive. Some studies have found emotional distancing (Levine, 1979) and impaired communication (George & Behrendt, 1987) between gay male partners. Perhaps, those characteristics of gay male relationships suggest gender differences, rather than differences based on sexual orientation. That is, males may experience comfort in valuing separateness and autonomony in relationships, whether or not they are gay or straight, a hypothesis originally proposed by Gilligan (1982) in her studies of gender differences. In gay male relationships, distancing may become mutually rein forcing and lead to impaired communication between partners.

There has been much discussion over fusion in lesbian relationships based on hypotheses that have emerged from women's developmental research. Fusion, as an element in lesbian relationships (Burch, 1982), has been characterized by high levels of self disclosure between partners (Slater & Mencher, 1991). Elsie (1986) found that lesbian partners tended to merge emotionally, as compared to gay male partners who maintained emotional distance from each other. Mackey, O'Brien and Mackey (1997) found that a sample of lesbian couples together for more than 15 years valued autonomy within attachment and rejected the idea of fusion in their relationships. Although these discrepancies may reflect gender differences within the context of these committed relationships, they may also be affected by how attachment and autonomy were defined operationally and how they were measured in these studies. Moreover, there is the issue of clarifying self-disclosure, fusion, and differentation as elements in psychological intimacy, e specially in lesbian relationships.

The achievement of a sense of equity has been associated with mutuality in decision-making among heterosexual and same-gender couples (Howard, Blumstein, & Schwartz, 1986), and equity has been identified as a central value in relationships that last, especially in those of lesbians (Kurdek, 1988; Schneider, 1986). When partners in a relationship have felt relatively equal in their capacity to influence decisions, decision-making has been characterized by negotiation and discussion (DeCecco & Shively, 1978). Fairness in decision-making over roles, household responsibilities, and finances have been linked to relational satisfaction and potentially to perceptions of psychological intimacy.

In a recent study, Kurdek (1998) compared relational qualities among heterosexual, gay male, and lesbian couples at 1-year intervals over a 5-year period. These qualities were levels of intimacy, autonomy, equity, ability to constructively problem-solve, and the ability barriers to leave the relationship. Of particular interest to our research were the scales that purported to measure "intimacy." Although there were many similarities between the three groups on other measures of relational quality (i.e., problem-solving and conflict management styles), lesbians reported "higher levels of intimacy than partners in heterosexual relationships" (p.564). That finding resonates with other research on intimacy in relationships and has been attributed to the relational orientation of women. The valuing of mutuality rather than of autonomy within relationships (Surrey, 1987), may nurture the development of psychological intimacy in women's relationships.