Psychological Intimacy in the Lasting Relationships of Heterosexual and Same-Gender Couples - Heterosexual and Same-Gender Couples

Written by Richard A. Mackey, Matthew A. Diemer, Bernard A. O'Brien.

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Themes of connectedness and separateness in these four interview passages were important dynamics in understanding the meaning of psychological intimacy to participants. The elements of proximity, closeness, mutuality, and interdependence may have been shaped most significantly by the interaction of males and females in same- and opposite-gender relationships. That is, it may not be gender alone that accounts for the differences between males and females. If women value attachment in relationships in a way different from men, then the data may suggest a mutually reinforcing process toward strengthening connectedness in lesbian relationships. In heterosexual and gay male relationships, the value that males place on separateness in relationships may temper the quality of attachment that develops over the years, and therefore results in different forms of psychological intimacy.

Psychological intimacy between lesbian partners had a different relational history from that of heterosexual and gay male partners. From the early years to recent years, our data suggest a progressive shift toward psychological intimacy between lesbian partners. Lesbians were as evasive

of face-to-face discussions of conflict as heterosexual and gay male males, during the early years of their relationships. For lesbians, the avoidance appeared to be a consequence of fearing abandonment by their partners if they openly confronted differences. Only as lesbian couples became increasingly disenchanted with their relationships did modification in conflict management styles occur. Usually, one partner took the risk of expressing her unhappiness. That encounter resulted in 85% of lesbians applying for couple therapy. Based on the reports of lesbian respondents about the meaning of therapy to their relationships, being involved in treatment may have supported the development of psychologically intimate communication between partners.

LIMITATIONS

Qualitative modes of data collection based on in-depth interviews conducted are an effective tool for studying elusive phenomena, such as psychological intimacy. The richness of data elicited through the method used in this study is quite different from data collected through other means, although there are concerns about validity and reliability, as well as the nature of the sample.

To clarify whether the differences between lesbians and the other two groups was a matter of sexual orientation or gender, a second model was constructed and tested with logistic regression. Gender was substituted for sexual orientation of couples in that model. The results are shown in.

Factors that contributed to understanding psychological intimacy in the first regression analysis continued to have a similar effect in this modified model. The gender of participants had a moderate effect on the reported psychological intimacy in recent years (B = .81, p [less than] .08).

Sexual Orientation, Gender, and Psychological Intimacy

To examine the interacting effects of gender and sexual orientation on psychological intimacy, we returned to the original qualitative data. The four elements in the theoretical model for this study discussed earlier in this paper (proximity, openness, reciprocity and interdependence) were useful in this task. Subtle differences were found in how these elements were weighed by participants, as they talked about the meaning of psychological intimacy in their relationships.

Themes of proximity and interdependence were evident among males, as illustrated in the responses of a gay male:

Emotionally, things are really good now ... it feels good knowing I'm growing old with [his partner], even though we're very different people ... I'm very social and I have a lot of friends, and he's not as social and he doesn't have as many friends . . . We both place a really great importance on togetherness. We make sure that we have dinner together every night and we have our weekend activities that we make sure we do together. . . I think that both of us understand it's also important to be an individual and have your own life, . . I think you become really uninteresting to each other if you don't have another life you can come back and share . . . You need to bring things into the relationship . . . [things] that keep it growing and changing.

The importance of proximity in the connection to his partner became evident as this individual responded to our inquiry about psychological intimacy. At the same time, he noted the value that he placed on separateness from his partner. By implication, he was also talking about the element of interdependence as he expressed the joy of "growing old" with his partner in spite of the differences in their individual psychological makeups. He emphasized proximity along with interpersonal differentiation as he discussed the relationship in recent years.

The responses of many women tended to reflect themes of openness and mutuality, along with differentiation in the psychologically intimate connection with their partners. A lesbian participant spoke of those elements in her relationship:

What has been good is the ongoing caring and respect and the sense that there is somebody there who really cares, who has your best interest, who loves you, who knows you better than anybody, and still likes you. . . and just that knowing, that familiarity, the depth of that knowing, the depth of that connection [that makes it] so incredibly meaningful. There is something spiritual after awhile. It has a life of its own. This is what is really so comfortable.