Book Excerpt

The Illusion of Sexual Individuality

Sexually, we like to think that we have it together, that we are more sophisticated and sexually aware now than at any other time in history. Yet, as we have seen, the current stereotype of normal, desirable sex is still quite narrow and rigid.

One exercise I often do when training sex therapists is ask them to describe what normal sexual frequency is. Typically, the answer is, "Whatever is right for the individual." Then I ask how they would describe someone who only rarely desires sex, or a couple where one partner wants sex twice a week and the other once a month. Is one person closer to "normal" than the other? How would they, as sex therapists, go about helping this couple achieve sexual harmony? Which person is under more pressure to change? Despite the standard answer from therapists that this couple suffers from mismatched libidos and that both people are "normal," the pressure in therapy is most commonly on the person with the lower sex drive to pick up the pace.

When people claim to be liberated sexually, what they really mean is that they explore and enjoy experimentation and variety at the active, lusty, passionate end of the scale. We feel we are being broad-minded when we are comfortable with or tolerant of sexual diversity, such as homosexuality or bisexuality, or are prepared to experiment with oral sex, sex toys, threesomes, or bondage and discipline. However, if we are to truly embrace the notion of individual differences in sexuality, we need to think far more broadly than this and become respectful of people who are at the other end of the spectrum. Where does the asexual individual fit into the scheme of things? How is a person who prefers only "conventional" sex judged? What label is given to someone who is turned off by oral sex or by being touched on the genitals? What words are used to describe a woman--or man--who doesn't seem interested in sex? What are some of the factors that are commonly thought to lead to this disinterest?

In a recent survey in the United States, 43 percent of women and 31 percent of men identified themselves as having one or more sexual problems. Among women, 33 percent complained of low sexual desire, 24 percent reported inability to come to orgasm, and 14 percent stated they experience pain during sex. For men, the most frequently reported problem was premature ejaculation, accounting for 28 percent of complaints, while 15 percent rated themselves as lacking interest in sex, 10 percent said they had problems attaining or maintaining an erection, and 3 percent had physical pain during intercourse.

Some researchers have criticized this study because these problems were identified by self-rating rather than by clinical evaluation, but it is precisely this aspect of the survey that intrigues me. If one in three women believes she is not as interested in sex as she should be, and one in four men doesn't last as long as he thinks he should last, which of the following is more likely?

• We have a major epidemic on our hands.

• Many in this self-selected group aren't dysfunctional at all but are either variations on the norm or comparing themselves unrealistically with an ideal.

It's difficult to believe that such a large proportion of our population is sexually inadequate. Because problems such as painful intercourse and difficult erections are relatively objective, the figures given are likely to be fairly accurate, but even within these categories; the problems may be caused by worry about performance rather than by any psychological or physical disorder.

Many women who believe they are not experiencing arousal and orgasm have been influenced by the stereotype of hot and powerful sexual response portrayed in the media and promoted by the myth that if you aren't sure whether you've had an orgasm, you haven't! Some women who believe they are unable to reach orgasm are surprised to learn that that nice warm feeling or that sigh of relaxation is an orgasm, even if it is perhaps a 2 on a 10-point scale.

Sexual desire and ejaculatory control are more subjectively determined and evaluated. What is sexual desire? Is it physical passion, or is it an emotional desire for intimacy? Can it be different things at different times? Is it possible to want sex but prefer to avoid it, and if so, why? What is a "normal" level of sexual interest?

Interestingly, this survey did not include questions about desiring sex with great frequency. Does that mean that you can't want sex too much, but you can want it too little??

How quick is too quick for ejaculation? Which partner is worried about it? Why? Is the problem that the woman finds it difficult to come to orgasm with penile thrusting despite the man controlling ejaculation for a reasonable time?

Additionally, for those people who rated themselves as not having problems, how did they decide this? Were all of them behaving close to the cultural norm, or were some of them confident enough to be happy to be different?

These questions need to be carefully considered before anyone, including sex therapists and researchers, can begin to understand the extent of individual variation in sexuality. Until these issues are thoroughly explored and discussed in sex manuals, magazine articles, and self-help books, people in the community will continue to rate themselves as having sexual problems even when there's a good chance that they're perfectly normal.