Becoming more comfortable with sex after sexual abuse

by Kali Munro, M.Ed., Psychotherapist

Many sexual abuse survivors struggle to have positive and enjoyable sex lives. It can be very hard to feel comfortable with and enjoy sex when you've been sexually abused. Even people who haven't been sexually abused struggle to feel comfortable with their sexuality and sex. This article may be helpful to anyone who has issues with sexuality.

Many Survivors Are Vulnerable to Further Abuse

For many sexual abuse survivors, sex becomes linked with sexual abuse. As a result, some survivors will mistake unsatisfying and unpleasurable sex, or even sexually abusive behavior, for sex. This means that survivors can be vulnerable to being further abused. As a survivor, this is not your fault. You may not know: that you have the right to enjoy yourself sexually; what a mutually satisfying sexual experience is; what you want sexually, and that those needs deserve respect; and that you can say "no" and have that respected.

Abuse teaches the opposite - during abuse, your needs don't matter; you have to cater to someone else's sexual needs. Your sexual desires don't exist, and if they do exist they don't count. And of course you have no power to stop the abuse.

Some survivors believe that's what sex is - unenjoyable and abusive - or that that is how it is with a man, or with a woman. They may also believe that's all they are good for, that they can't expect anything better, and that if sex isn't enjoyable it's their fault or the result of their own inadequacy - they are "damaged". These reactions and beliefs are outcomes of abuse and need to be challenged - because they are not true.

Sexual Abuse Is Not Sex

One of the hardest things for abuse survivors to do is separate sexual abuse from sex. I know you may know this intellectually, but it's worth repeating many times - sexual abuse is not sex. Even if you liked the attention, approached your abuser for attention, were aroused, or had an orgasm, it's still not sex and you are not responsible.

Placing responsibility on the abuser is one of the most important steps in separating the sexual abuse from your sexuality and sex life. That may involve feeling anger at your abuser, holding him/her responsible (in your own mind), grieving your victimization and powerlessness, and reassuring the hurt child inside you that it wasn't her/his fault.

Sexual Abuse Becomes the Model For Sex

Sexual abuse is often the child's first introduction to sex. Children are too young to understand what sex is so it's not surprising that many abused children mistake abuse for sex. After all, it does involve sexual contact, sexual body parts, and sexual stimulation. Sadly, sexual abuse becomes the child's model for future sex.

It is crucial to find ways to separate your sexuality and sex from sexual abuse, and to create an entirely new association with sex - one that is positive, safe, and fun. You may need to discover your own sexuality - what it means to you, what you enjoy, and what gives you pleasure. It helps to develop a sexual relationship with yourself including self-pleasuring and discovering how you like to talk, move, dance, or interact with others when you're in touch with your sexual feelings.

You may want to fantasize or read about sex, view erotica,and talk about sex with your friends or partner. If you have a partner try to be playful about sex - cuddle, massage each other, talk about fantasies, and ask for what you want sexually. Sex can be playful, fun, and safe.

The Myth That Sexual Abuse Causes Survivors' Sexual Orientation

Because same-sex abuse is considered to be the same as lesbian and gay sex, many people believe that same-sex abuse causes survivors to be gay. On the flip side, when a survivor has been abused by a member of the other sex and the survivor identifies as gay, it's assumed that that, too, is the result of abuse. This can cause a lesbian or gay sexual abuse survivor to question her/his sexual identity. Many heterosexual survivors also struggle with questions about their sexuality because of the confusion and negative associations about sex that are created by sexual abuse.

It might help to try and remember if you had any sense of your sexual desires prior to the abuse. What gender(s) were you attracted to then? If you can't remember or you were abused very young, you may need to start paying attention to who you are attracted to now, who you feel most comfortable with emotionally and sexually, and who you fantasize about. You may need to see or read about positive images of lesbian, gay, bisexual, or heterosexual sex to help you discover what feels right for you.

The challenge is to find ways to connect deep inside yourself and unearth your own truth - your own sexual desires, fantasies, passion, and emotional and sexual attractions. Working on separating the abuse from your sexuality will help clear some of the confusion. If you are gay and fear that your sexual orientation was caused by the abuse, you may want to learn more about gay sexuality from a positive perspective - for example read some gay-positive books, look at lesbian and gay websites, and talk to a gay help line or a gay-positive therapist.

When You Don't Feel Safe With Sex

Sexual abuse robs survivors of their ability to feel safe in the world and with themselves. Internal safety is the extent to which you feel safe when the situation you are in is safe. Many survivors feel unsafe even when the person they are with or the situation they are in is safe. There is a difference between feeling safe and being safe. The first is a feeling and is affected by your past experiences with safety or lack of safety. The second is an actual fact about whether or not the people you are with or the situation you are in is safe.

It's so important for survivors to develop a sense of safety (internal safety) as well as to have ways to identify whether or not people and situations are safe (external safety). Both internal and external safety are needed for enjoyable consensual sex. Without internal safety, sex can feel very scary and triggering. Without external safety, the sex will not be safe, consensual, or pleasurable.