Sexual Abuse Survivors and Sex - Dealing With Triggers During Sex

Written by Kali Munro, M.Ed., Psychotherapist

Dealing With Triggers During Sex

Abuse survivors are often triggered during sex or while anticipating sex because of its association with abuse. Working on separating the sexual abuse from your body and your sexuality will help you to become less triggered by sex. Focusing on being present in your body and in your immediate environment will also help you to remained rooted in the present.

Some suggestions for dealing with triggers during sex:

• Identify that you are triggered. If you feel any of the following feelings during sex and it's not related to how your partner is treating you then you are probably triggered: scared, numb, dissociated, dirty, ashamed, ugly, self-hating, panicky, and very anxious.
• Know that when you are triggered, you have a choice. You can decide to put the feelings or memories aside to be dealt with later, or you can deal with them at the time. Sometimes this doesn't feel like a choice, but there are ways to contain, separate from, and manage triggers

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  so that you can put them aside and deal with them later. Ways to separate include self-talk, reminding yourself where you are and who you are with, letting yourself know that you are safe, asking for a safe hug, and doing whatever you need to do to feel present again. For instance, you can visualize placing the trigger away for another time by creating an image that represents the abuse and visualize putting that image in a safe place until you are ready to deal with it. You can talk about the trigger and then tell yourself that you want to put it aside for now and be in the present. You can focus on the present moment by looking around the room, noticing what you see, smell, hear, and touch.
• You may choose to go into the trigger by being aware of how you feel, and what you see, hear, smell, and remember. You can let yourself go through the natural rhythm of the trigger. As with any feeling, triggers have their own rhythm of increasing feeling and tension, and then subsiding and decreasing in intensity.
• It may be enough to acknowledge to yourself and/or your partner that you are triggered, and what it's connected to if you know, and then return to the present moment.
• If a certain sexual act triggers you, a good guideline for minimizing the effect of that trigger is to approach the sexual act gently and slowly for a short period of time, and then stop for a while or completely, and come back to it later. Each time spend a little longer on the activity, building up your ability to stay present and to feel the feelings in your body.

Taking Charge of Your Own Sexual Enjoyment

Many survivors wait for others to initiate sexual contact with them or to ask them out on a date. They may fear initiating sexual contact or contact that could potentially become sexual. There are many reasons for this; you will need to discover your own. Some common reasons include: a fear of behaving like the abuser or being seen as behaving like a perpetrator; a fear of being rejected and vulnerable; a fear of standing out, being noticed, or being the center of attention; and a fear of being seen as sexually unattractive, undesirable, or unlovable.

Knowing why you are afraid to initiate sexual contact or to ask someone out on a date can help decrease that fear. Working on your specific issues. For example, finding ways to feel better about yourself, your body, your sexuality, and your attractiveness and lovableness. You might want to set small attainable goals such as asking someone out to a movie without having to worry about initiating sex. You could practice touching people in a friendly, casual fashion - not just people you are attracted to, but rather working your way up to that. Role play asking someone out or initiating sex. This can help prepare you and give you the words you're searching for. Just talking about the problem with someone can help, too.

Many survivors feel they must accept whatever their partner does to them sexually, rather than take an active role in their sexual enjoyment. Knowing what you want, what turns you on, and asking for that is crucial to your sexual enjoyment. Only you can really know what feels good and exciting to you.

Many survivors have to overcome a great deal of shame and guilt about their sexuality and their bodies in order to feel comfortable asserting their sexual needs and desires. Most survivors have learned to do the opposite; they've learned to endure, be quiet, please others, and to not be powerful by asking for what they need.

You can become more assertive by discovering with yourself what you enjoy, talking with your partner about it, starting to ask for what you want in other areas of your life, and gradually asking for something that you want sexually. Some survivors find it easier to hold their partner's hand and guide them rather than talk about what they want. Some like to show their partner how they like it by doing it themselves in front of their partner, and then letting their partner take over. Whatever works for you is just fine.

Sexual Healing Is Possible

It's definitely possible for survivors to feel better about their sexuality and sex. The key is to break the association between your sexuality and the sexual abuse, and to create a new experience - one that is safe, fun, and pleasurable - for yourself as a sexual person. You don't need a partner to do this, although eventually you may want to include someone in your sexual journey. At times, it may feel like it's taking a long time, but try not to get discouraged. Being patient and compassionate with yourself will help your sexual healing.

next: Sexual Intimacy After Sexual Assault or Sexual Abuse