Maintaining a Physical Relationship While Helping Your Loved One to Heal From Sexual Abuse

Written by Indigo: a survivor

Discover how to maintain a physical relationship while helping your loved one heal from sexual abuse.

• Deciding to Touch
• The Body Recall
• Impact on You and Your Feelings
• Finding Other Methods of Helping
• Being Observant and Cautious

Let me begin by saying I am not a specialist in any way except one- I've had to deal with a lot of what your loved one is feeling and expressing, and I think that makes me a specialist in the sense that I can relate to what is going around in their head at certain times. On the other hand, each person's case is different. The best judge of what anyone feels or thinks or wants is that person. So if you and your partner are up to discussion, ask him or her first. In all honesty, if you can't yet discuss it, you probably shouldn't even try to resume a physical relationship at this point.

Deciding to Touch

I can tell you that many, many people are simply not prepared to manage in an intimate physical or sexual relationship environment after they have been raped or assaulted. Some will go to extreme measures to "prove" that the incident didn't effect them too much- and as a result will go to exceptional lengths to assert a promiscuous attitude. Others will simply back away from contact, emotionally or physically- sort of a "grin and bear it" or "run and hide" approach. Many studies have shown that the hardest relationships to maintain after abuse or assault are the most intimate ones. The victim has a great deal to handle in learning to trust others and feel safe again. They may feel betrayed, worthless, frightened to open up to friends and family, self-judgmental or self-critical, even suicidal.

The best way to determine whether or not your mate is "touch-ready" is to ask. Always ask before touching your mate. At a certain point in their healing process, they are trying to determine how they feel about many things that they didn't have the chance to discover or control before. What used to be acceptable to them may have changed in their view. Healing is an ongoing process; it changes constantly. Never assume that anything that was okay for them before is still okay.

The Body Recall

Even if your mate has problems with memory gaps filtering out their traumatic experiences, that person's body will remember. The body's memory is a very effective trigger. Some common reactions you may find your mate displaying while trying to sort out their physical and emotional boundaries are:

• Fear, especially fear of pain, darkness, or suffocation
• Need to stop foreplay or intercourse for no "apparent" reason
• Nausea or vomiting before, during, or after sexual activity
• Cramping or other unexplained pain
• Being triggered- often displayed by hand gestures, sudden silence, frightened facial expressions, or refusal to look at you
• Overzealous attitude or display of arousal that often appears unreal
• Crying or other emotional outbursts before, during, or after sexual activity
• Inability to tolerate sensation of any kind
• Dissociating, going out of the body or away from the present time's activities
• Questioning their sanity, senses, feelings, instincts, or emotions
• May want to shower or bathe often, especially after sexual activity
• Feeling trapped or bound for no obvious reason
• Panic attacks at sudden triggers may occur
• Nightmares, unexplained waking in the night
• Being startled easily by the sudden sound or apearance of another
• Suddenly recurring behavior you suspect is associated with the trauma
• Inability to determine the difference between sexual and non-sexual touching
• Inability to be comfortable with their body as a part of their humanity
• Inability to handle certain positions or postures without panicking
• Being unable to or refusing to take joy or pleasure in the experience
• Being ashamed or feeling indecent or dirty for participating
• Being confused about what is pleasant and what is painful

This list is by no means complete. It is simply an example of some of the possible reactions one might expect from a victim of sexual abuse. Often there are so many reactions at the same time, your mate may have trouble registering how they feel. Any reactions your mate displays are considered "normal" under the circumstances.

If your mate is displaying any of the previous attitudes or behaviors, they are probably not quite ready to resume any sort of sexual activity-- even though they may not realize it yet. When your mate will begin to feel ready to resume any sexual activity is entirely up to them. There may be intermittent progress where the victim will be fine with some activities one day, and the next day may not be emotionally prepared for even a simple hug or kiss.