John looked unconvinced.
"Give me one," I said, "Tell me something you were thinking about a customer."
"Let's see..." John recalled, "This lady was being really condescending and the other people..."
"Wait," I interrupted, "Let's take one at a time. 'The lady was being condescending.' That's a good one. Do you think you could argue with that?"
"Well...I don't know."
"Was she being condescending?"
"Yes. She was."
"Are you sure? Can you read minds?"
"No. I guess it's possible she wasn't being condescending."

"Maybe she wasn't. How could you know for sure? Maybe you misread her tone of voice and body posture. It happens, you know. Don't you hate it when someone misreads your tone of voice? It happens. Maybe you misread her's. Are there other possible explanations for the way she was talking to you?"

"Yeah, I guess. Maybe she was in a bad mood when she came in and I had nothing to do with it."

"That's a good one. That's certainly possible. Give me another one."

"Uh...I remind her of her son, and she's in the habit of being condescending to him."

"That's pretty good. You're good at this. Both of those explanations have nothing to do with you. In other words, with either of those explanations, you don't have to take it personally. And if you don't take it personally, you're probably not going to get angry. Can you think of another one?

"Let's see...How about: She was actually strongly attracted to me and had a hard time controlling herself and her effort to control herself looked like 'condescension.'"

"Okay. Good. Now which explanation do you settle for?"

"Hmm...let me think..."

"None!!!" I say a little too loudly. "You have effectively destroyed your original interpretation - the one that was making you angry. You've proven to yourself that there are other equally possible theories to explain what you experienced besides, 'She's being condescending.' Since you don't know what the 'real' explanation is, you can just leave it at that. It is unknown. And when there are several equally possible theories to explain things, you won't be too upset by any one of them. And you'll feel better. And you'll act more effectively because of it.

"This is good," he says, looking a little hopeful.

"It works really well. How do you feel now."

"What do you mean?"

"Do you feel angry?"

"No."

"See, it's working already!" MOST OF THE MEANINGS we make automatically are given to us during our upbringing. We're using the meanings we've been given without ever suspecting we have a choice. We're somewhat passive receptacles of the culture we grew up with.

We don't realize our power to make meanings, so we don't exercise it. But the meanings we make have a tremendous impact on our lives.

If you think when you and your spouse get mad at each other it means your marriage is on the rocks, that meaning will affect the outcome of your life. It will affect how you feel. If you become afraid of conflict because you think it means The End, and you avoid conflict (maybe you don't speak the straight truth in order to avoid conflict), you'll create misunderstandings. Things s/he doesn't know about you will start accumulating. Confusion and distrust will accumulate right along with it. This, in itself can lead to what you feared: the eventual demise of your marriage.

The meanings you make have an impact on your life. By experimenting with different meanings, you can improve your attitude and ability to handle problems in your life because a different meaning gives you different feelings and different actions, and that gives you different results in your life.

Meanings are not facts. When a meaning causes you dysphoria or ineffectiveness, question it.

Make up other meanings. You're in the driver's seat.

next: Recommended Reading