A new look at anger management by Adam Khan, author of Self-Help Stuff That Works:

I WAS RECENTLY VISITING a friend of mine at his workplace. He looked at me with a smile that obviously wasn't full of happiness. "I hate this job," he said, "I'm getting to the place where I can't stand these customers!" He was no longer smiling. "There's no place for me to vent. I can't tell off my customers. I'd lose my job!"

"John," I said, "Let me tell you a true story. Once upon a time, a team of researchers wanted to find the best way to deal with anger. They experimented with children at school. In one group, whenever a child got mad at another child, they had him act out his anger with toy guns. With another group, they had the child express his anger verbally. In the third group, the researchers merely gave the angry child a rational explanation for why the other child did what she did. And you know what? The method that worked the best was the last one."

"The rational explanation?" asked John, obviously needing a rational explanation.

"Yes. There's been a lot of research showing that anger isn't really something that 'bottles up' inside you, and that 'venting' doesn't help - in fact, venting increases your feelings of anger. Isn't that surprising? I didn't believe it at first. But pay attention next time you 'vent.' It makes you more angry! Anger is caused by the way you're thinking at the moment you're angry, and it seems like it's building up because you're running those thoughts through your head over and over, getting madder and madder. But it's the thoughts that make you mad, not the event itself.

"Imagine you're in a restaurant with a friend," I continued, "and you order dinner. Your waiter takes your order and goes on about his business. After awhile, you wonder where your food is. You look for your waiter but don't see him. You're getting angry. By the time your waiter walks up (empty handed), you're really mad. 'Where have you been!' you demand, 'And what happened to our dinner?

The waiter says, 'I'm sorry. I forgot to give the cooks your order until only a few minutes ago. I'm really sorry. The hostess just had an epileptic seizure, and I was calling the paramedics and trying to keep her from hurting herself.'

"On hearing this, what happens? Your anger disappears - almost instantly. Where did it go? If anger really bottled up inside you, it would still be there, right? You've had no way to 'vent it.' But you're suddenly not the least bit angry. The idea that anger builds up and needs to be released is just another generally-believed idea that's been proven wrong.

"The reason you're suddenly not angry is that your anger was being produced by the thoughts you were thinking, and you're no longer thinking those thoughts, so the anger is no longer being produced."

"So what am I supposed to do?" asks John. He isn't smiling, but he isn't frowning, "When a customer is being a jerk, do I think to myself, 'My customer is a nice person; I love my customer?'"

"Good question," I said. "No. I doubt if that would work, because saying things to yourself you don't believe doesn't do much good. Have you ever tried it?"
"Yeah."
"Did it work?"
"No."

"Right. Sometimes it does, but not very often. What you need to do is question your interpretation. Don't try to pump yourself up and tell yourself a bunch of positive stuff you don't believe. Tear apart the negative. When you're angry, you take your thoughts for granted. If you thought it, it must be so, right? You can trust your own thoughts, can't you? But if someone else came up and said exactly the same thing out loud to you, you could take the statement apart no problem. But you said it, so you just accept it.

"You should treat the thoughts in your head with as much skepticism as you would treat the words of a fast-talking salesman. 'Hold on there, buddy,' you might say, 'Slow down and say that again...(let him say one sentence)...Can you prove that? Who says? Has a study been done? Who conducted the study?' You don't take everything a salesman says at face-value. You question it. You should do the same thing with the thoughts you have that bring you down.

"As soon as you start arguing with your own thoughts, you'll find it pretty easy to tear them to shreds because the thoughts you think when you're angry are almost always exaggerations and distortions and unprovable interpretations. Almost always. Like 99 percent of the time. And when you take your thoughts apart, your anger disappears."