How to Have a Lousy Sex Life!

Written by Tony Schirtzinger, MSSW, CICSW

Self-Therapy For People Who ENJOY Learning About Themselves

THE THERAPIST'S WARPED VIEW

Therapists may not know much more than the average person about how to have a GOOD sex life, but we sure do know a lot about how to have a LOUSY one! We've heard every bad idea in the book. Here, then, are the best bad ideas I've heard about sex in my years as a therapist. I'd suggest you put an "X" next to each item you think is correct. (Maybe a REALLY BIG "X" - to signify that you want this idea to go away forever!)

ABOUT NORMALCY AND "STANDARDS"

____ Always be sure that what you do in the bedroom is "normal."

____ Ask yourself often: "What would my parents think if they saw me doing this?"

____ Remember: God didn't give you sex to be enjoyed. He gave it to you as a cruel test!

THE SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP: WITH YOUR PARTNER

____ It's reasonable to be shocked if you are touched sexually away from the bedroom.

____ Don't worry about cleanliness or how you dress once you've "got" your sex partner.

____ Remember that women are passive and men are active. Period.

____ Never have sex unless you feel intense love for each other.

____ Never have sex when you are angry or "down."

AWAY FROM YOUR PARTNER: WHAT YOU THINK

____ If you have a thought about doing something "weird" that proves you want to do it.

____ Don't allow yourself to think about sex away from the bedroom.

____ Don't allow yourself to think about sex with anyone other than your partner.

AWAY FROM YOUR PARTNER: WHAT YOU DO

____ Never masturbate!

____ Never let your desires grow unless you are with your partner and it's OK with them.

____ Never look sexy in public (unless you are with your partner and they insist).

IN THE BEDROOM: WHAT TO THINK

____ Think of sex as "intercourse only" and as "doing it."

____ Don't have fantasies in bed. Think only about what's going on right now!

____ Remember: Your partner's pleasure is your responsibility, not theirs.

____ Remember: Your pleasure is your partner's responsibility, not yours.

____ Always think of your partner's needs first! Try to forget about your own desires.

____ Never discuss your fantasies, no matter how "accepting" your partner seems to be.

IN THE BEDROOM: WHAT TO DO

____ Build toward orgasm continuously.

____ Try to keep both people's excitement at the same level at all times.

____ Work hard at achieving mutual orgasms.

____ Don't touch anything but genitals, breasts, and maybe buttocks (on a "wild" night!).

____ Never touch your own genitals during sex!

____ Never try to enact "scenes" of any kind. Stick to business!

____ Never have "one way" sex! If either person isn't interested, just forget it!

____ Never "take turns" pleasing each other.