Don't talk up to someone, as if they are better than you. Don't talk down to someone, as if you are better than them.
You are equals. Talk Sideways!

Here are some "sideways" statements our couple could have made:
"Which thing should we do first?"
"I really want to take that drive. How much do you want to stay home?"
"How can we both get what we want today?"

[...Now would be the best time to read Clear Communication #2...]

Enjoy Your Changes!

Everything here is designed to help you do just that!

Clear Communication: #2

This is the second in a series of topics on communication. Refer back to topic #1 if you need to.

• Have a purpose, and remember it.
• Remember the topic, notice when it starts to change, and go back to it.
• Be ready to cooperate - so both people get what they want.
• If the conversation is going poorly, talk about the way the communication is going.
• Don't talk down to or up to the other person.

We are still using the same couple for our examples. And remember that these principles apply to all communication.

TRICK #6: DEFLECT ATTACKS WITH LOGIC

When the other person is talking down to you or implying superiority, you can avoid arguing by responding with pure logic:

He: "Let's go for a ride today."
She: "Why don't you ever want to stay home with me!?"
He: "I want to stay home with you often. Just not today."

If he would have responded to the attack instead, he might have escalated the anger with statements like:
"I'd stay home more if you weren't so grouchy all the time! "Why are you always picking on me?"

Or, another even worse way of responding to the attack would be to "join" her by being self-demeaning: "I know, I always disappoint you. I'm just a bad husband, I guess." [This one is a favorite of alcoholics and other drug abusers. It's usually used the morning after a binge.]

The key to deflecting attacks is to say how true or untrue the other person's statement is - and to do it in a rational way that does not reflect poorly on either person.

TRICK #7: CLARIFYING

He could clarify what he wants with:
" I only want to be gone a couple hours."
"I want to check out the stereos as the mall."
"I'd rather go with you, but I could go alone too."

He could ask her to clarify what she wants with:
"What do you want to do if we stay home?"
"We could stop at a restaurant on the way if you like."
"So you want to stay home by yourself or with me?"

TRICK #8: ASK ABOUT FEELINGS

Most disagreements don't create big feelings, but there are always some feelings, big or small, behind each person's wants.

Feelings tell us how little or how much we want what we are talking about. Talking about them leads to quicker and longer lasting resolutions.

After he says: "Let's go for a ride today" she might say:

• "You seem so excited about going for a ride. Why?"
• "Well I really want to stay home and I'd be pretty angry if we didn't get some time together today."
• "How would you feel about staying home and playing around instead?"

In these examples she is either asking about the strength of his feelings or telling him about the strength of hers.

We need to find out about and value each person's feelings to solve problems together.