Clear Communication - How to Get a Clear Communication

Written by Tony Schirtzinger, MSSW, CICSW

TRICK #9: ASK FOR DEFINITIONS

If the communication seems confused, it's usually because people are defining words differently. When she says "stay home" he might think "be bored and stare at the tube." When he says, "go for a drive" she might think of driving aimlessly.

Statements like these can help a lot:

• "What do you mean by 'go for a drive'? Where would we go? How far? What would we do?"
• "What do you mean by 'stay at home'? All day? While we work around the house?"

This is one of the most powerful things I know about, and it is also one of the most difficult things to do.

We all need to confront other people about their behavior sometimes, and we all instinctively know that if we could do it kindly it would go much better.

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But being supportive when you need to confront someone means that you need to get good at using your anger and frustration wisely and resisting the temptation to get more immediate relief.

Watch children having temper tantrums. Notice that the natural thing they do is simply let it all out and try to get relief immediately.

As we get older and our needs get more complex, using our anger wisely and in appropriate doses works far better.

For instance:
He could have confronted her without support by saying:
"Why do you have to want the opposite of what I want!?"

Or he could have more strongly gone for what he wanted
while supporting her by saying:
"It'd be good to stay at home with you,
but let's do it after we see about that new stereo I want."

In order to do this well, however, he would have to REALLY care about her and what she wants! Faking it would not only fail today, it would cause huge new problems.

By the way, learning how to really care isn't about communication at all. It's about maturity, and commitment, and self-love, and loving others. And each of these is covered by other topics in this series...
Read on...

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