Self-Therapy For People Who ENJOY Learning About Themselves

At least half of the letters I get are from people who want to change somebody else.

These letters usually start by listing the other person's faults. This is followed by a list of all the things the writer has done to try to make the person change. Then there are angry statements about how frustrating the whole process has been. And the letters usually close with something like this: "What else can I do, besides all I've already done, to make this person change?"

Sometimes I just want to write: "Give it up already! You can't make someone else change!"

But people who are so frustrated deserve a more complete answer.

HOW THEY GOT THE WAY THEY ARE

Let's start with an example we can use for our discussion. Let's talk about seventeen-year-old Sandra, who is extremely overweight.

How did she get to be so heavy? She ate too much.

This is about as far as most people go when they think someone should change. They look at the result and the one behavior they think caused it. And they insist that this one thing is all that needs to be changed.

NOT SO SIMPLE

In the real world there are many different causes for every effect.

What Sandra puts into her mouth is the most significant single cause. But there are many, many other causes
which, when added together, are far more important.

For example, all of the following might be reasons for Sandra being overweight:

Physical causes:
She eats too much.
Her genes.
Her health.
Her current size.

Emotional causes:
She eats to avoid anger, sadness and fear.
She eats when she's bored.
She eats when she's lonely.
She eats for the pain of feeling stuffed, to know she is "alive."

Relationship causes:
Her boyfriend also eats too much.
Her father always controlled her food.
Her mother is ashamed of her.
Siblings and friends make fun of her.

There are many causes for every effect and every cause can have many effects. Causation, especially when it comes to behavior, is always complex.

Life just isn't so simple.

Sandra's motivations are way too complicated for a few words or some clever strategy. Words and strategies won't work no matter how they are delivered.