Recognizing Unhealthy Relationships and Creating Healthy Ones Online Conference Transcript - Recognizing Unhealthy Relationships Online Conference Transcript

Written by HealthyPlace.com Staff Writer

Dr. Appel: This is a really complicated question. The only thing I can say here is something often said in AA and other 12 step programs: It is imperative to take your own inventory. It is imperative not to take the inventory of others.

SkzDaLimit: I am currently engaged to a wonderful woman who is diagnosed Bipolar I (rapid cycler). The problem I have is she does have occasional fits of anger, and she seems to draw me into lashing out in anger towards her. Are there any suggestions as to how I might deal with this?

Dr. Appel: This is a common situation in rapid cycling rage--that the partner is often drawn in. It is almost as if the partner takes on the rage of the bipolar. The only way to deal with it is to step away from it, even though this arouses more rage in the bipolar partner. The other solution is to "teflonize" yourself, that is, to contain the rage without absorbing it.

samantha 1: Do you think that codependence is a major problem in relationships?

Dr. Appel: I'm never sure what co-dependency really is. What I do know is that interdependence is a feature of healthy relationships. Co-dependence seems to be so enmeshed that often the sense of who is who is lost.

Sarah4: Is it possible to be in a relationship, break it off, and find that you have become better friends, more in tune to each other after, and if so, would you suggest trying it again?

Dr. Appel: It's absolutely possible, and I would suggest that you remain good friends. Natural development will take care of the rest. The less you think about it and the more you experience it, the more you will learn.

Dr. Appel: Also, Beverly has just written a new book, A Guide to Online Dating, which can be found at http://dlsijpress.com. It's an e-book, and also available for the sight impaired.

ACMercker: Dr. Appel, how does one deal with an infidelity on the part of their ill partner? My patience seems to be both a strength and flaw.

Dr. Appel: If the infidelity is part of the illness, as it often is in hypomania, then one should understand it as such. If it's part of the pull out of the relationship, the only way to deal with it is through therapy or through a very strong spiritual approach. There is no understanding of repetitive infidelity. What I mean is that understanding will get you nowhere. Repetitive infidelity means the other person isn't in the relationship anymore, and you shouldn't be either. Even if it's manic acting out.

catino: I agree with ACMercker about patience.

David: Somehow, after awhile, even if you're a "saint," and maybe this is just my perspective, but "understanding" repetitive infidelity would be tough. Here's an important question on adolescent relationships:

ksisil: This may be a little off the topic but in terms of adolescent relationships, how can I encourage these with my son when any child who has seen his rage never wants to come around again and of course when he calms down he is broken hearted because no one will play with him.

Dr. Appel: There are groups in larger cities and at university centers dealing with the problems of adolescents such as you describe. In these groups they learn relationship skills under techniques of cognitive behavioral therapy. They are quite successful, and you might be able to find groups like this online.

David: What about creating healthy relationships? When people say that, it sounds easy. "We just all get along." What are the keys to having a healthy relationship?

Dr. Appel: The key to a healthy relationship is that it is developmental in nature, many have beginnings and ends, and some last a lifetime. To create a healthy relationship, the main key is to give up judgment. This is extremely difficult. But if one can talk in "I" statements and not be judgmental and critical, relationships will endure. And, of course, as they develop, the development is deeper and stronger. It is not an answer to the wish, "I wish it was like it was at the beginning."

David: And intimacy takes effort, isn't that right Dr. Appel?

Dr. Appel: Absolutely. And once the effort is expended, it is so easy!

Jessica Neal: A year-and-a-half ago, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder after having about 3-4 months of rapid-cycling episodes. During those episodes I said a lot of hurtful sexual remarks to my husband. Some I remember saying, some not. I'm wondering what can I do to help alleviate his pain? It was hard enough for me to deal with bipolar, but now we have this hanging over our heads.

Dr. Appel: He should get some help to understand that those remarks were made in the heat of mania. And even though you might feel them deeply to be true, he will still have to deal with the hurt in treatment. Now that you have your illness under control, you'll be able to begin to be complimentary in a way that will rebuild his sexual self-esteem.

catino: Why is it that people find it so hard to decide that they may need therapy? How do they know that they do, in fact, need it?

Dr. Appel: If one is thinking about it, then perhaps there are some problems alive that need attention. If the person feels that a lot of their energy is tied up in conflict, such as difficulties with authority, relationships, aggression, and other symptoms, then the time has come to seek therapy. If you sense these symptoms coming on, therapy might help to preempt them.

David: It is getting late. I want to thank Dr. Appel for being our guest tonight and for sharing his insights and knowledge with us.

I also want to thank everyone in the audience for coming tonight and participating. That's what makes these conferences so wonderful and informative.

Dr. Appel: Thank you for inviting me! I think you have a wonderful community here. It's been stimulating to talk with you.

David: Good night, Dr. Appel. And good night everyone.

back to: Relationships Conference Transcripts ~ Other Conferences Index ~ Relationships Home