Recognizing Unhealthy Relationships and Creating Healthy Ones Online Conference Transcript - Recognizing Unhealthy Relationships and Creating Healthy Ones

Written by HealthyPlace.com Staff Writer

Dr. Appel: This should be handled in your therapy. And that is a real therapeutic issue. Feeling a burden to someone seems to be a part of the depressive side of the illness or disorder. I think you should talk to your therapist about this.

brooke1: Joni, maybe you should believe him if he says you are not a burden.

David: Here's another audience comment from someone who had Borderline Personality Disorder:

sweetpea1988: Hello, I was married for 8 years and I have borderline personality disorder. He tried to keep me from getting better, he loved the control he had over me. Two years ago, I finally left him. I took our three daughters with me, but lost them due to my illness, but now I have learned a lot and I am on my own. I feel much better about myself and life itself. I have hurt myself for 16 years and now since I left him I have stopped.

David: As I mentioned earlier, Dr. Appel married a woman that he met online. People are doing this more-and-more these days--finding relationships online. Can you share a bit of your story with us Dr. Appel?

Dr. Appel: I'd be glad to. I was in San Francisco on Valentine's Day in 1997, and a promotional ad came in my email from One-and-only.com to place a free ad on their dating service. I immediately deleted it, and went on with what I was doing. But then I had second thoughts and placed an ad describing myself and the kind of relationship I wanted. On April 18, I got an answer from Beverly. And that was the beginning of an email correspondence which numbered well over 1000 pages in two months. Beverly was in Tennessee, and our phone bills became enormous. And because our love had developed during this, we decided to meet in June in San Francisco. Everything we had learned about each other online/phone turned out to be wonderful and true. We have been together since that time, and truly feel we are soulmates. Out of this experience and correspondence and interviews with hundreds of people, we wrote "It Takes Two.Com," A Psychological and Spiritual Guide to Finding Love on the Internet Personals, in the hope that we could illustrate to others that good healthy relationship was possible on the Net, and that meeting from the inside-out could bring one closer than meeting in person.

David: We have some more audience suggestions on how to deal effectively in a relationship with someone who has a mental illness. I want to post those, and then we'll continue:

richcos: Serious mental illness in a marriage is tough, no doubt about it. Make sure you've found the best possible psychiatrist for your loved one. And then a therapist for yourself to make sure that you remain mentally ok. It's often unremitting stress and I would suggest looking at the spiritual angle for guidance. It's not easy, but if you can meet the challenge, you can feel a real sense of accomplishment that you didn't run away from the person you love.

Dr. Appel: richcos, I think this is a wonderful comment, and I am so glad to hear you say that the spiritual side will often help you through this dilemma, and enable you to stay with your loved one, and essentially see the relationship as a devotion without becoming martyred.

David: That is a wonderful story Dr. Appel. Commonality, of course, brings people together. And especially now, with the internet, many people with mental illness are meeting up and discovering they are not out there alone. Is this a good way to meet people?

Dr. Appel: It's going to depend on individuals, just like meeting each other face-to-face. The main thing is to be yourself, be honest, be mindful, and follow your feelings and intuition. The more you know from email, the more possible it is to make the right decision.

David: Do you think communicating via email is better, initially, than chatting?

Dr. Appel: Often it can be. It seems to give one a greater sense of distance and time to think about what they're feeling and saying. Chats often have the feeling of demand that you might find in a singles bar.

David: Here are some more audience responses to what's been said tonight:

bcooper: My boyfriend is having a hard time living with me. I have obsessive compulsive disorder (ocd) and panic.

Beverly Russell: My self-esteem has suffered a great deal as well as my self-confidence. I left because he no longer was interested in me and would not even speak or look at me when I informed him I was leaving. I have been thinking about therapy.

Jocasta: What are the chances/statistics of two people in a commitment (6+ yrs.) who both have mental disorders staying together in your experience with working with couples? Would you advise of a specific way for one party to convince the other that they need medication when that party is adamant about not taking any? And, can one party develop systems of the other's disorder from being attached for so long (codependence?) with very few friends?