Recognizing Unhealthy Relationships and Creating Healthy Ones Online Conference Transcript - Creating Healthy Relationships

Written by HealthyPlace.com Staff Writer

ksisil: As a single parent of a special needs child, how would you even go about having a relationship. I mean if it doesn't work, then my child is suffering, or his disorders scare most men off.

Dr. Appel: It is difficult enough to find a relationship for a single parent period. Having a child with special needs makes this difficult, and would take someone with a really open heart, and a soulmate love for you, to move into this situation. I wish I could more clearly answer this question for you. I imagine this particular dilemma could be approached through online dating, which we'll be talking about soon.

David: One question I had was, as a parent, when can I put my "needs" forward as a priority? Needs for friendship, companionship, love, sex?

Dr. Appel: As a parent in a married relationship, the needs between the couple and the children are constantly changing and in flux. But the idea of dynamic balance should be kept in mind. As a single parent, that juncture will also depend on the age and stage of development of the child. The timing has to accord to the growth of both the parent and the child. If it is driven on the part of the adult, the timing is probably inappropriate. If it feels natural and agreeable, follow your feelings.

Jack_39: I have found someone that I love very deeply and she loves me as well. Unfortunately she is still married because she is afraid of hurting her young children. It has been over a year and we do love each other so much. What can I do? Should I let her go or wait?

Dr. Appel: Tough situation. If you love this person as deeply as you can, then you will take into consideration her need not to hurt her children. As a mother she knows more about this than anyone else. Respect her decision, and in terms of waiting, you will have to find time to go on with your life, and see if your feelings for her endure. And if your feelings prohibit you from forming other relationships as well. Sometimes we just have to back away from what seems wonderful, and let it play out in order to understand its lesson.

richcos: Dr. Appel: My wife, 34 years old, suffers from rapid cycling bipolar disorder. She takes all her meds, has an excellent physician, but she hasn't been herself for years. What can you recommend to the spouse in terms of coping skills, etc.

Dr. Appel: First coping skill: seek someone to talk to about it. It doesn't have to be a therapist. It could be clergy, or someone trained in listening. If she hasn't been herself in years, then you haven't been yourself in years either. So it's necessary to be that self, and to discover ways to cope while staying and ways to deal with the rapid cycling. I can only imagine it's extremely difficult for both of you.

David: I'd be interested in getting some audience comments. Maybe we can help each other here. If you are in a relationship with someone who has a mental illness, how are you making it work? For those who have asked, here's the link to the HealthyPlace.com Relationships Community. You can click on this link to sign up for the mail list at the top of the page so you can keep up with events.

Beverly Russell: I just got out of a relationship with someone who was diagnosed with obsessive compulsive personality disorder. What do you know about this disorder and how does it effect relationships.

Dr. Appel: Obsessive compulsive disorder, depending on its severity, can impact relationship in devastating ways. For the person with the disorder, control is everything. The major characteristic is the attempt on the patient's part to hold the world still while obsessing about problems of safety, contamination, etc. Or they may have repetitive ritual activities. All take the attention not only of the ill person, but of anyone living with him or her. I remember my mother saying some hundred miles into a trip, "did I turn the gas off? or did I lock the door?" She had a mild form of the illness. My father didn't turn around under her control and go back. But in the severe form of the illness where a person has say a compulsive hand-washing ritual, a severe fear of contamination, not only holds the world still, but shrinks it for himself and those around him or her.

David: Here are some audience responses to "how you are making it work - being in a relationship with someone who has a mental illness:"

catino: I have been married for over 25 years to the same person and just recently found out that she has MPD (Multiple Personality Disorder). We have been trying to work on our relationship but it is and has been a very difficult time for the past few years. I love her with all my heart and really want to work through all the problems and get our relationship back in harmony.

PEBBLES2872: Mental illness is 95% perception based on what one expects from someone else, and as time goes on, one finds out that they are not living up to your expectations.

David: Here's the flip side of the coin, Dr. Appel. How would you respond to this person:

Joni: I suffer from bipolar disorder, and I feel a burden to my mate. I'm separated and have met and love someone else - and he's "the one". I feel like a burden to him too.