Won't I lose my friends and lovers if I always insist on getting my own way?

Assertiveness is not about always getting your way. Nor is it about coercing or manipulating. Those are acts of aggression. An assertion does not violate another's rights, and it does not preclude compromise. But a compromise, by definition, meets the needs of both people as much as possible. If your friend or lover is unwilling to compromise or has no respect for your feelings, maybe there's not so much to lose.

My romantic partner and I seem to be coming from different worlds sometimes. It's pretty frustrating. What can we do about it?

It's normal for relationship partners to have different needs in at least few areas, such as: spending time with others vs. spending time with each other, wanting "quality time" together vs. needing time to be alone, going out dancing vs. going to a ballgame, etc. Differing needs don't mean your relationship is coming apart, but it is important to communicate about them to avoid misunderstandings.

• Tell your partner directly what you want or need ("I would really like to spend time alone with you tonight"), rather than expecting them to know already ("If you really cared for me, you would know what I want").
• Set aside time to discuss unresolved issues: "I'm feeling uncomfortable about...and would like to talk about it. What time is agreeable to you?" Pouting, sulking, and the "silent treatment" don't make matters any better.
• Inevitably you and your partner will have conflicts, but they needn't be nasty. Here are some tips for "Fair Fighting":
  • Use assertive language (see above for a reminder).
  • Avoid name calling, or intentionally calling attention to known weaknesses or sensitive issues ("hitting below the belt").
  • Stay in the present, don't dwell on past grievances.
  • Listen actively - express back to your partner what you understand his/her thoughts and feelings to be.
  • No "gunnysacking" (saving up hurts and hostilities and dumping them on your partner all at once).
  • If you are wrong, admit it!

Even when we're communicating well in other areas, my partner and I often get bogged down when it comes to talking about sex. I often feel we have very different expectations in this area.

First of all, it is important to be aware of your own feelings: how you feel about your partner, how comfortable you feel in his or her presence, what does and doesn't feel comfortable or desirable in terms of physical closeness or sexual contact. Trust your gut feelings.

• Communicate what YOU really want sexually. Express what you enjoy and also what you are not comfortable with.
• Communicate clearly to your partner/date what your limits are. Be prepared to defend your limits. If you mean No, then say "No," and don't give mixed messages. You have the right to be respected and you are NOT responsible for your partner/date's feelings or reactions.
• Both partners have a responsibility in preventing unwanted sexual contact. Men must recognize that no means no, regardless when she says it, and regardless whether you think she is saying "yes" nonverbally. If a person says "no" and is still coerced or forced into having sex, then a rape has occurred.
• If you feel unsafe, leave the situation immediately - fifty to seventy percent of rapes are perpetrated by an acquaintance of the victim.

I hear a lot about "co-dependency" in relationships. What exactly is that?

Co-dependency originally referred to the spouses or partners of alcoholics and the ways they attempt to control the effects of the other person's dependency on alcohol or drugs. More recently, the term has been used to refer to any relationship in which one person feels incomplete without the other and thus tries to control him/her. Some characteristics of co-dependency are:

• Fear of change or growth in the other person.
• Looking to the other person for affirmation and self-esteem.
• Feeling unsure where you end and the other person begins.
• Exaggerated fear of abandonment.
• Psychological games and manipulation.

A healthy relationship is one that allows for the individuality and growth of both persons, is open to change, and allows both individuals to express their feelings and needs.