Developing Friendships

There are a number of ways to begin meeting your needs for friendship. Consider the following:

• Remind yourself that your loneliness will not last forever.
• In doing the things you ordinarily do in the course of your daily schedule, look for ways to get involved with people. For example, you can:
  • eat with others
  • sit with new people in class
  • find a hobby or exercise partner
• Put yourself in new situations where you will meet people. Engage in activities in which you have genuine interest. In so doing you will be more likely to meet the kind of people you are interested in meeting, people with whom you have something in common.
• Make use of job and campus resources. Find out about organizations and activities in your community. Examples are clubs, churches, part-time jobs, and volunteer work. Ask for ideas from someone who has been around longer than you have.
• Work at developing your social skills. Practice getting to know others and letting them know you.
• Don’t judge new people on the basis of past relationships. Instead, try to see each person you meet from a new perspective.
• Intimate friendships usually develop gradually as people learn to share their inner feelings. Avoid rushing into intimate friendships by sharing too quickly or expecting that others will. Let the process develop naturally.
• Value all of your friendships and their unique characteristics rather than believing that only a romantic relationship will relieve your loneliness.

Developing Yourself

Think of yourself as a total person. Don’t neglect other needs just because your companionship or friendship needs are not being met.

• Make sure you follow habits of good nutrition, regular exercise, and adequate sleep. Don’t let work, academics, hobbies, and other interests slide.
• Use your alone time to get to know yourself. Think of it as an opportunity to develop independence and to learn to take care of your own emotional needs. You can grow in important ways during time alone.
• Use your alone time to enjoy yourself rather than just existing until you will be with others. Avoid merely vegetating–deal with your situation actively. Recognize that there are many creative and enjoyable ways to use your alone time.
• Whenever possible, use what you have enjoyed in the past to help you decide how to enjoy your alone time now.
• Keep things in your environment (such as books, puzzles or music) that you can use to enjoy in your alone time.
• Explore the possibility of doing things alone that you usually do with other people (like going to the movies).
• Don’t decide ahead of time how you’re going to feel about an activity. Keep an open mind.

In summary don’t define yourself as a lonely person. No matter how bad you feel, loneliness will diminish or even disappear when you focus attention and energy on needs you can currently meet and when you learn to develop new ways to meet your other needs. Don’t wait for your feelings to get you going–get going and good feelings will eventually catch up with you.

Need Additional Help?

If after trying these suggestions, loneliness is still a problem, you may want to consider further help. Discuss the situation with your doctor or contact a counselor or therapist.

next: Loneliness and Fear of Rejection