Loneliness and Fear of Rejection - What Stops Me from Approaching Someone?

Written by Tom G. Stevens PhD

WHAT STOPS YOU FROM APPROACHING OTHERS OR BEING YOURSELF WITH THEM?

1. EXCUSES

Self-labels that prevent action. "I'M TOO...shy, heavy, boring, quiet, intellectual, much of a loner, afraid, conservative, inexperienced, clumsy, nervous, emotional, demanding, afraid of intimacy, ETC.

PRACTICE: Make a list of the labels that stop you from approaching others or being yourself. Then take each one and decide the degree to which you intend to change it or to accept it as it is. Keep in mind that there are many happily married persons who fit all of the above descriptions and realize that, you are looking for someone who would be happy with a person just like you.

External events or commitments that keep you from pursuing a relationship now. The difference between an EXCUSE and a CONSCIOUS CHOICE is whether or not you are being honest with yourself about all of your underlying motives. If you are avoiding involvement primarily because of fear of rejection or failure, then that is very different from saying that you are doing it because you are too busy.

It is ok not to be in a relationship or looking for one. You may want to be alone now. If you want to pursue other parts of your life and develop yourself into the person you want to be, that can be very healthy for building your own self-esteem and relationship potential. When you are ready for a relationship, you will be more the person who will be attractive to the type of person you want. If you aren't happy with yourself now, you might be wise to focus on that first!

PRACTICE: If you are not sure whether you are being honest with yourself about doing what might be helpful to improve a relationship or meet someone, try getting in touch with underlying feelings and beliefs, exploring new creative alternatives and possible outcomes. Then make a conscious decision based upon your true underlying motives.

2. STEREOTYPES OF POTENTIAL PARTNERS
Women's stereotypes. Women often say they can't find a men who can be both (1) sensitive to their feelings, romantic, loving, and fun and also (2) responsible, somewhat confident, and somewhat successful in their education and/or career. Women often think that men are "only interested in sex or the size of my breasts," "say they want an equal relationship, but are afraid of successful women". These are a few of the more common stereotypes that may fit many men, but also don't fit many others. Don't accept someone with whom you can't be happy. After all, what difference does it make if other men are that way if the man you're with isn't.

Men's stereotypes. Many men think that most women are primarily interested in money, expensive cars, restaurants, and gifts. Or, that they only want a man who is extremely good looking and charming with a good line (can make a good impression, but would make a poor partner).

PRACTICE: Make a list of your stereotypes which prevent you from approaching others or being yourself. Identify ways that you try to put up a front to make a good impression based upon your stereotypes. For example you may believe that you have to constantly be clever and funny because that is what you think women/men are looking for. In fact you may be turning the other person off, because you are being "phoney" and not intimate about who you really are. You are making the mistake of underestimating the person you are with. You think that they can't handle honesty as well as you.

Treat potential partners as if he/she were as mature as you
and as if he/she were the kind of person you would want.
(Then you will probably be more attractive to them.)

3. LOW SELF-CONFIDENCE EVALUATION BIAS
The low self-confidence evaluation bias means underestimating how well people like you. A research study at the University of Oregon had single women evaluate their conversations with single men. The women evaluated the men on a number of variables including if they would like to go out with them. To their surprise low-frequency dating men performed just as well as high-frequency dating men in actual ratings by the women. However, the low-frequency dating men UNDERESTIMATED how well the women liked them, and the high-frequency dating men OVERESTIMATED how well they were liked. This became a SELF-FULFILLING PROPHESY. The men who overestimated how well they were liked would go ahead and ask the women for a date, while the ones who underestimated how well they were liked, didn't.

Conclusion: If you have low self-confidence in how others perceive you, then you are probably UNDERESTIMATING how much they like you. As a result, you don't approach people as much as you would like. If you start OVERESTIMATING their reactions, you may approach more people and have greater success.