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WHO IS THE "RIGHT" PERSON FOR YOU--
WHO WILL REALLY WANT JUST YOU?
RELATIONSHIP INTIMACY HIERARCHY
There are many levels of closeness and intimacy with other people. Examples include: marriage, closest family and friends, close friends, friends, friends for specific needs (eg. work, bowling, church), acquaintances. There are many differences between different levels of intimacy. The amount of physical and communication intimacy, time spent together, commitment, sharing, helping each other, etc. will vary with each level.
Every person you contact in your life has some maximum potential level for achieving intimacy with you. This maximum level will depend upon many factors. Many people have the potential for lower levels of intimacy (such as acquaintance), but few have the potential for the highest levels (such as marriage). The fact that a person only achieves a certain level does not mean that the relationship "failed"--it merely achieved its maximum potential level of intimacy and could go no further.
IT'S OK THAT MOST PEOPLE YOU MEET AND DATE ARE NOT THE RIGHT PERSON
How many people out of 10,000 people in the appropriate age and sex group would you really want as your "significant other"? How many are really right for you? Most people you meet/date will not be a good enough match, so why beat yourself up when the relationships end. The relationship was almost certainly a mismatch.
Instead, try to understand the reasons the relationship ended. To what degree was it due to differences between the two of you? If the reasons partly include that you haven't acted in ways consistent with your own standards for yourself, then change your thinking and actions for the next person .
THERE ARE MANY "RIGHT" PEOPLE
If you believe that only one person is "right" for you, then you will become extremely dependent upon that person. Putting a person on a pedestal like this will most likely lead to dependent feelings and behavior that actually causes both of you to be unhappy. You may try so hard to please and keep that "person you can't live without" that you end up losing your sense of freedom to be yourself and giving up your own happiness. In turn you will become increasingly unattractive to your "pedestal" person.THE MAIN FACTORS CAUSING A PERSON TO WANT TO BE WITH YOU ARE INHERENT IN WHO YOU ARE!
Even though this may seem obvious, this is a very powerful statement! The factors that affect how much one person is attracted to another include the following:
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General beliefs and values: cultural, religious, moral, political, family, sexual, etc.
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Background: culture, family, career, education, organizations, etc.
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Relationship factors: previous history, control style (dominant-submissive or assertive), problem-solver, conversational style, empathy, independence-dependence, emotional expressiveness, playfulness, romantic style, liberated-traditional sex roles, etc.
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Interests: career, cultural, music, sports, education, romantic, etc.
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Personal characteristics and habits: honesty, responsibility, ambition, achievement, caring/understanding, openness, emotionality, independence, self-esteem, positiveness, cleanliness, orderliness, stability, assertiveness, adventurousness, sense of humor, etc.
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Personal problems and bad habits (big TURN-OFFs to almost everyone): addictions, dishonesty, cheating, withdrawal, suspiciousness, irresponsible, cruel, aggressive, extremely dominating or needy, emotionally out of control, etc.
The above factors are the kinds of factors that will be the major determinants of whether you and another person will be happy together. Most of these factors are determined by parts of yourself that are highly stable over many years. You probably don't want to change most of these aspects of yourself. If you just act naturally, you will reveal these true aspects of yourself to your partner (and vice-versa). Your partner will accept or reject you on the basis of how well these factors match their own factors (and vice-versa). Therefore it should be clear that nature tends to bring people together or apart on the basis of who they really are, so why try to hide?
Research and clinical experience shows that overall, the more alike partners are-especially in aspects important to the partners-the more likely the relationship will succeed and be happy.
If your partner is "right" for you, he/she will like you as you really are, and they will be attracted to you. Out there somewhere are probably many potential partners who are a lot like you! These are the people who will be naturally attracted to you. Think about it for a minute. How would you feel about being with a partner who is a lot like you in most important aspects?
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